My best friend and I have grown pretty close the last months, and I think I might be in love with her. For half a year ago, I began questioning my gender identity and sexual orientation, and that's when she began talking to me. We never really socialised with each other before, though we was in the same class for three years, and I immediately liked her. I had always wanted to talk to her, cause I really admired everything she did. Maybe it was a crush, I dot know, since I considered myself straight back then. We began talking, hung out, and I felt amazing with her - she made me feel whole and wanting to be a better person. I came out to her as trans, and she was so supportive, called me by my preferred name and pronounces, and helped me when I was feeling low because of body dysphoria and non-supportive mother. I came out to her as pansexual some months after, and she was totally okay with it. She said she wasn't even surprised. And now I've thought for a couple of weeks that I may even have a crush, be in love or love her, and it's both confusing, amazing and heartbreaking. I'm really sure there's something. She makes my heart go crazy when she texts me, I can't stop staring at her, and I can't imagine my future without her. She's probably not the love of my life, but I have feelings for her. I don't get butterflies though - only a little. Would I have that, if I was in love? The other thing with it is, that she's straight, and it hurts me every time she talks about her crush or points at a cute boy. She's a typical American straight white girl, and I don't think she'd ever consider being lesbian/bisexual or any sexual orientation that contains being a girl in a girl x girl relationship. She doesn't know I have those feelings for her, but I really want her to know. I'm just afraid that it'll scare her away. I'm trying to be with her as much as possible, but she almost never has the time and she never texts first, and I'm pretty sure it's a bad sign, but I don't know what it means? She also lies, changes from loving me to hating me and stuff, and I feel like she's just messing with my head and that I should let her go, but I also feel like I can't let her go without also giving her a chance to know how I feel. I can't watch her disappear from my life without just trying. We had a long text-conversation yesterday, where she said that her family and her are moving to the U.S after she graduates 9. class(in Denmark that's right before high school). I felt like somebody punched me and it really hurt, because it just hit me, that I'll never be able to spend the rest of my life with her. We've sometimes talked about moving together hen we graduate, and now she tells me they're moving in three/four years like I never meant anything and that it was just 'fun talk'. At this point I should let her go, and I can't. I love her, but I also hate her. Everything she does annoys me yet I find it endlessly adorable. When I think of her, I want to be with her now, but when I'm actually with her at school, I want her to go away. It's inly in my thoughts and when we're alone I can stand her. Is that possible - to love and hate her? And should I just let go before I hurt myself too much, because she's probably straight and will never care or like me back? Or should I give her - and myself - a chance to know and take it from there, or would that ruin everything for us? I want the 'old her' back, and I don't wanna lose her. She's so precious.
