Hello guys. I know it's been a long time since i've been here, but i need some help. I just had a fight with my parents. It was supposed to be a "casual family talk" but turned out to be a bunch of reproaches about my personality. A little background story here so that you understand the rest better: I am, an have always been an introvert, shy, anxious person, who likes to keep things to herself, especially her emotions. It's kinda been okey last year until i had a bad breakup and i was left feeling worthless. Then I closed myself even more. Now everything is better, and last weekend has been the best i've had in a very long time, i smiled, i laughed, i enjoyed life as anyone deserves to. In the past month i got a job, i turned 18, i got my driving license, i had the best party ever to celebrate all of that, and yesterday I took the car and spent the best afternoon with my best friends ! And here I am at that "family talk", and my mom is talking about how i hurt them, how i use them for my own purposes, how i don't love them, and then as i tried to defend myself and to say that i'm sorry, she said that horrible thing: "i don't know how you've come to be that awful person". And i lost it, i tried to take the door, my father stopped me, and I fell on the ground, having the worse panic attack ever. He told me nice things, and reassured me, but i still can't get over that saying of my mom. I mean ... yes i know that sometimes i can be impulsive, i know that i can react in a non-appropriate way, and i did the day after the party when they told me i couldn't drive that day. I know it was inappropriate, i was sorry, i felt bad inside, but SHIT i can't express that ! I feel like i should die because apparently i deceive people more than anything. I just want to leave because when i'm here i hurt people because i am, indeed, an awful person. And if i leave my parents will feel abandoned and i will hurt them too. SO WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO ?! I can't stay, I can't leave ! I can't die, i can't live ! I'm just here, living a boring life, being an awful person because i can't express my emotions, because i don't feel very close to my parents, because I'm fucked up, because i fuck people up because i'm fucked up and when i feel ok again, it all comes back to tell me how much life is not worth. I dream of travelling but that goal doesn't feel real to anybody. My parents knock me down every time i told them about that. When i came out to my mom she took it as a joke, as if i was doing that on purpose to make her unhappy. Now she thinks that i say i'm gay so that can fuck my best friend (who is also gay) and no-one will suspect because we both "pretend to be gay" #paranoia ... And they make reproaches ALL THE FUCKING TIME and they still expect me to be that nice little girl ! Like seriously, you don't respect me and my "lifestyle" and you still expect some affection from me ?! Anyways, i feel awful, i wan't to get in the middle of the highway and let a truck drive over me. Because that will make one less bad person in the world ... Am i a bad person ? Are they bad people ? what the fuck is going on ? why does life always knocks you down when you finally find a way to smile ? thanks for taking the time to read and sorry again for the length of the post, i still can't do short topics ^^
You haven't really included any specifics about what you've done or are doing to make you a 'bad person' other than you apparently reacted in some fashion relating to driving (or not driving) the family vehicle at some point in the recent past. However, from what you're saying your parents (most especially your mom) go out of their way to put you down, not take your seriously, and shoot down your dreams and aspirations. This is not acceptable. If your parents are actually doing these things, then the two things you probably need to do would be: a) work to get out of their house and out on your own as quickly as possible b) build your own life without them in it. Assuming you are not actively hurting yourself or others, their say in how you live your life is non-existent once you are self-supporting. At that point their choice is either treat you with the respect you demand (or at least stop trying to interfere), or don't have you in their lives. Todd
According to me it sounds like this: You are not a bad person, you just have a difficult time expressing yourself. Your mom is really mean... sorry if that's harsh... And well, she grossly misunderstands you. there's nothing wrong with being introvert. Noone with an Oreo-rainbow as their pic can be an awful person. You seem perfectly lovely to me <3 hugs
