Hi, I know this isn't the place to get help on addiction, but I just wanted to share my experiences, since my sexuality is a big part of why I started drinking two years back. You see, ever since first falling in love with a same-sex teacher in high-school, who also used to be my sister's best friend when they were in school together, I've felt horrible. I have to admit I also had fun: I got euphoric everytime I got to talk to her, felt butterflies and warmth when she touched me etc... But at the same time: there was guilt, guilt gnawing away at me, for fantasizing about her, for secretely staring at pictures I'd found on a laserdisc in my sister's room and in her yearbook. Looking back at it now, it was all very innocent, but still: I really felt like I was cheating my sister somehow. At the time, I had frequent nightmares about her finding out about my crush on someone she knew so well. Also, when the initial high of being in love wore off, I began to really consider my feelings and felt disgusted with myself for loving a girl. You see: I've always been somewhat religious and I often heard how "God hates fags" and "marriage is between a man and a woman." I also have very low self-esteem, I think I'm ugly and that's why I hated the fact that I was into a girl: I saw it as a problem, another thing that was wrong with me. I just longed to be " normal" and like guys. Adding to that the fact that when I found out she had a boyfriend, I felt extremely down and jealous, like you wouldn't believe. I longed to be a guy, a guy of her age, I would've wooed her socks off, if only I'd been a guy. I mean: I'd like to think I'm very sensitive, kind and creative with words, so I would've "poemed" her into the heavens(yes, I know poemed's not a word, just saying.) So, anyway yeah: I began drinking, on my own, not every day, but every few days and it only got worse from there on out. It got so bad that I recently had to stop for my mental health, so I'm off the stuff now. But I guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to on here, to help me cope with my negative feelings over being gay... pretty please. I don't really know any gay people in my environment and I'd really love to be able to chat with someone who understands.
It's great that you were able to share all of that with us. I'm sure it wasn't easy to to describe some of those things, even through the anonymity of the internet. Shame about one's sexuality is a contributing factor to alcoholism and impaired mental health - in some cases it can be the most significant factor. You seem to have identified that it's an issue for you. Acknowledging the problem is the first step, so you have already made a good start and I hope we can help in some way. If you need someone to talk to about the negative feelings, feel free to send me a message and I'll reply as soon as I can.
Religious, eh? Well, isn't God supreme in Biblical theory? Didn't God create each individual in loving image of himself. Don't pay too much attention to the stigma of Jesus' cronier friends. Don't pledge too much allegiance to the words of thousands-year old corpses. Place your faith in the here and now (including God Eternal if you want to, of course). You're really strong and brave for kicking the bottle in the butt and taking control of your own life. You're an admirable person. Being gay is only a small part of the whole that makes you so beautiful. And there'll be more girls coming your way. If you ever want to chat a bit, I'm here to talk! hugs <3
