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am i a lesbian? 28 year old female in 3 year heterosexual relationship

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lillirose86, May 20, 2015.

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  1. lillirose86

    lillirose86
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    Im a 28 year old female with the same feelings it seems that you all went through/ are going through ... I'm really sorry to be presumptuous as I s IIm a 28 year old female with the same feelings it seems that you went through... I'm really sorry to be presumptuous as I see you haven't been on for some time but I really value your posts. I have a turbulent heterosexual relationship of 3 years at present, I love him, but I just cannot shake this feeling that my life is supposed to be different some how. I've flirted with the idea for Years on and off kissing girls here and there, slept with one woman on a drunken night and not much else. There was one girl I fell for, the first, I remember it so well, it was like time slowed down when we kissed. It was like it was only me and her. It lasted 3 days I fell too hard as she had been out for years.
    I love my boyfriend but i can't stop thinking about women, no one specifically but I've always been fascinated by lesbian life. And some beautiful women. Trouble is, I don't know for sure that this is the right thing to do..... As in leave him to find this side of me, what if im wrong?? We have no children not married so I guess it could be worse but I'm the love of his life in his eyes and I know it will crush him. He knows that I am bi at least and is excited by that, but deep down I think I'm repressing the urge that I'm in fact a lesbian... It doesn't sound wrong, saying girlfriend sounds good to me where as I find myself omitting my "my boyfriend" out from general conversations... I have this urge to play with me this feeling that my life is supposed to be different some how. I've flirted with the idea for Years on and off kissing girls here and there, slept with one woman on a drunken night and not much else. There was one girl I fell for, the first, I remember it so well, it was like time slowed down when we kissed. It was like it was only me and her. It lasted 3 days I fell too hard as she had been out for years.
    I love my boyfriend but i can't stop thinking about women, no one specifically but I've always been fascinated by lesbian life. And some beautiful women. Trouble is, I don't know for sure that this is the right thing to do..... As in leave him to find this side of me, what if im wrong?? We have no children not married so I guess it could be worse but I'm the love of his life in his eyes and I know it will crush him. He knows that I am bi at least and is excited by that, but deep down I think I'm repressing the urge that I'm in fact a lesbian... It doesn't sound wrong, saying girlfriend sounds good to me where as I find myself omitting my "my boyfriend" out from general conversations... I have this urge to play with my girlfriends hair, do her make up, share clothing, have it done back.. little things and obviously hopefully sexual intimacy...

    Or am I crazy just unhappy and making it all up?

    It would make soooooooo much sense if i am indeed, a lesbian. Anyone got ideas?

    I really don't want to be unfair on him so I think I should leave, I'm just terrified and can't bring myself to make this decision..... But I do want to be blissfully happy, and I haven't for years....

    Ps have always freaked out during sex with 99% of my sexual encounters... Every man...

    Can anyone help :confused:
     
    #1 lillirose86, May 20, 2015
  2. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    I really don't want to be unfair on him so I think I should leave, I'm just terrified and can't bring myself to make this decision..... But I do want to be blissfully happy, and I haven't for years....

    For me this is the most telling statement. Putting everything else aside you are saying you are not happy and that isn't how you want to live the rest of your life is it? So rather than thinking do I want to leave you for a woman and what if I don't find a woman I think you should look at it that as much as you still have feelings and care about him, you perhaps are not still 'in love' with him and if you are not happy then regardless of the next step you take after him (man or woman) surely the first step is to break up with him. I am not trying to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, or how you feel but I am just taking what you wrote and giving you my opinion on it.

    It sounds to me you are definitely bi and possibly leaning at least towards gay if not perhaps being gay.

    Its difficult I know but you have to try not to think of it as 'if I break up with him it will crush him'. I am not saying you shouldn't take other peoples feelings into consideration you definitely should but by breaking up with him you are also thinking of his feelings but in a more long term way. Staying with him just because you don't want to upset him wouldn't be fair to him either. He deserves to be with someone who loves him the way he loves you.

    You are definitely not making it up, its just a scary and confusing thing to deal with, but you have come to the right place.
     
    #2 silverhalo, May 20, 2015
  3. lillirose86

    lillirose86
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    Sorry just need to add stupid phone messed up this post!

    ---------- Post added 20th May 2015 at 09:25 PM ----------

    Thanks so much sorry for the messed up post tried to edit but missed my window!

    I guess it's inevitable. I have tried to leave before for many different reasons... But I really do think that all this and years of struggling may be because I am indeed gay... I did kinda always feel like a lesbian... Just only coming to terms with it in the last few days.... I haven't said anything yet, just don't know if i can trust myself. I do love him, but surely I'd feel the way i feel about coming out, towards him if i really was happy?
     
    #3 lillirose86, May 20, 2015
  4. paris

    paris
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    Hey lillirose86, you were a little faster... I wanted to tell you that you already know what your sexuality is and what you need to do. I know it's not easy because you don't want to hurt anyone in the process but remember that you're not responsible for other people's happiness. Wishing you all the best. (*hug*)
     
    #4 paris, May 21, 2015
  5. lillirose86

    lillirose86
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    Thanks so much Paris, it's so hard, we always argue, we've only just come to a good point in our relationship after 3 years surely that's a sign. It's so unbelievably scary, should I wait it out a bit? I do care for him so much but simply I think you guys are right...

    X still just can't bring myself to do it, what if im wrong :frowning2:....

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2015 at 01:42 PM ----------

    And true, I'm not but I feel so responsible for him, he's told me he would kill himself if i left I've never seen anyone that distraught he actually cried for his mother it was so sad. He's had a bad life and I just don't know if im holding back from what could be with him or that I really am gay and it's because I care about him soo much, I don't know if i can not have him in my life....

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2015 at 01:44 PM ----------

    Also I want to clarify I dont really have the urge to play with me as my stupid post says!! Phone messed it up Honest!!! X
     
    #5 lillirose86, May 21, 2015
  6. paris

    paris
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    It's not so much about being or not being wrong but more about staying with him for a wrong reason. You stay with him just because he manipulates you and makes you feel guilty about leaving him. Does it sound like a healthy relationship? Does it sound fair to you? Moreover you can't stop thinking about women already, and believe me, this feeling won't disappear and suppressing it will only make you feel even more miserable.
    I know it's hard but from my experience I know that the longer you stay with him, the more difficult it is to leave. (*hug*)
    P.S. Haha, I totally overlooked that "urge to play with me" part. :lol:
     
    #6 paris, May 21, 2015
  7. lillirose86

    lillirose86
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    Lol I know! My phone completely chucked the words every where! Figures... That's me all over. Verbal diarrhoea.

    Thanks for replying, yes, I guess you are right, yes it's been a difficult relationship but i really do love him, maybe more in a caring way... I Im trying not to get anxious as I do live with him and he's home soon, I fee feel bad for lying, am I lying to myself more arrrrgghh
     
    #7 lillirose86, May 21, 2015
  8. paris

    paris
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    Please don't push yourself too much though, there's obviously a decision to be made but you don't need to decide right away, do it on your pace and in the way you feel comfortable with. Maybe try to post again in the LGBT Later in Life section. I think you may get replies from more people there because many people reading that section were or are in a similar situation to yours.
     
    #8 paris, May 21, 2015
  9. lillirose86

    lillirose86
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    Bless you Paris x thanks sweetie take care for now xxx
     
    #9 lillirose86, May 21, 2015
  10. cloudberry

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    Hey, I just wanted to say that I've been in a similar situation and I know how hard it can be. Just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years about a month ago (btw i also always felt a bit uncomfortable saying 'boyfriend' and I can really relate to a lot of things you said even though I'm not quite sure of my sexuality yet either), and it's never easy to hurt someone you love but sometimes i guess it's unavoidable. And even though I've questioned my decision since the break-up, in the end I know I did the right thing. There is also this sense of relief because I'd had doubts about the relationship for a really really long time and it consumed so much of my energy, so it's kind of like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders now that I don't have to be constantly analyzing my feelings and evaluating every aspect of our relationship and trying to pick up the courage to leave.

    Regardless of whether or not you're a lesbian it really doesn't seem like you're happy in your current relationship - you said so yourself - so I'd say that it's better to end it now rather than wait several more years and keep wondering if you could have a different life, because the longer you wait the harder it'll be for both of you. Although of course you need to figure out first if that's really what you want, so like paris said, take your time and don't be too hard on yourself because you really can't help how you feel! (*hug*)
     
    #10 cloudberry, May 21, 2015
  11. lillirose86

    lillirose86
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    You guys are awesome x
     
    #11 lillirose86, May 22, 2015
  12. lillirose86

    lillirose86
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    There is also this sense of relief because I'd had doubts about the relationship for a really really long time and it consumed so much of my energy, so it's kind of like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders now that I don't have to be constantly analyzing my feelings and evaluating every aspect of our relationship and trying to pick up the courage to leave.

    Cloudberry, this makes a lot of sense. If im honest I'm not the same bubbly loud loving life since.....well, around 23.. I'm drained I was drained to the point of exhaustion at the beginning of the month when we decided to give it 'one last chance ' Before I may or may not have had a revelation about my non sense life and misery. I just feel so damn guilty it's like honestly I'm waiting for an exit after an argument to make it easier...

    I sound like a total bitch :-(
     
    #12 lillirose86, May 22, 2015
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