Sorry, I have a lot to say. I was told that this as a good place to get advice and whatnot, so here I am I don’t really fit in. I’m not really that cool even though I want to be and kinda try to be. I have a lot of friends but I still don’t feel emotionally satisfied. I feel empty and like I’m missing something, but I don’t know what. I don’t fit in, really I don’t. Especially with my own gay community. I’m not pretty enough. Even when people give me compliments, I believe that they're lying. I've always wanted to have good looks that make people attracted to me. I thought I would feel better after losing tons of weight (250 to 170), I would feel a lot better but I still feel the same. I’m not middle class enough. I’m not privileged enough to buy anything I want and not have to worry about paying bills. My family wasn’t that lucky. And I’m still not comfortable with sleeping around with anyone, so I’m made to feel like a freak. And my relationship with men is complicated. Most of the men I’ve grown an attachment to have hurt me or betrayed me or died. And I’m not pretty enough to have a boyfriend I’m actually attracted to anyways. Like the one guy I fell for absolutely crushed me. He led me on, left, came back and when he did, I felt things again and he totally left me for dead. It’s because I’m ugly and stupid. And you know what hurts too? He’s totally moved on with his life while I’m still a disaster inside. It’s gotten a little better but not much. It also bothers me because I feel like he looks better than me. And even if he didn't, he probably gets perceived as better looking. I’m not sure what to even do anymore. And I don’t even like who I am. Am I too obsessed with beauty? Sometimes I feel like I am but I can’t help it. I’m told that looks are everything. Good looking people get more attention and they’re listened to more and what they say is taken more seriously. I want that privilege. I hate pretty people at times because I’m not one of them. And I’m not that smart, in my opinion. Some people compliment me and say I am but they’re just doing it to be nice. But I want to become smart one day. I just wanted to get all of this out. Sorry if this is all too much!
I am so sorry you feel like that, and I do empathise. I sort of know where you are coming from. The feeling you don't fit in, and the inability to accept compliments, is very much how I feel. Of course, it is a low self esteem issue. I know that in my case, and I am sure that it is the same for you. But saying that is easier than doing anything about it, of course. You have to learn to accept yourself, and soon. Interesting thing is, the coolest people, and the people who have most success socially, with boyfriends, etc, are not always the best looking. They are the confident ones, who can accept knockbacks and just move on. Anyway, I am glad you are here, and I hope you get some better advice than I can give!
