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Am I abandoning my friend by hanging out with his friend?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Foxywolf, May 25, 2015.

  1. Foxywolf

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    Hi, well so I have this guy friend who I've been hanging out with lately, and through hanging out with him I've gotten to know his house mates. And one of them gave me her number and told me that we should watch some of these lesbian TV shows that she told me about together. (She has a girlfriend so we're only doing it as friends which is perfectly fine with me).

    But anyways, I'm worried that hanging out with his house mate will make him feel abandoned or left out (he is prone to feeling left out).

    So do you think it's weird or wrong to hang out with his housemate? We would probably be hanging out at the house so he would likely be there.

    Should I somehow notify him that I'm hanging out with his housemate? Say something like, "Hey (insert housemate's name here) has asked me to hang out with her and watch lesbian TV shows. I just wanted to let you know so that you don't get confused when you see me over there :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:"

    And then should I say something about hanging out with him or say that he can join us? I don't want to offer for him to join us if the girl doesn't want him to for whatever reason.
     
  2. AKTodd

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    Since you're going to be at his house, it's proper courtesy to let him know you're coming over and why.

    Assuming the housemate is fine with him being there, then go ahead and invite him, but do it in a way that makes it clear he doesn't have to if that's not his thing (you may already know it's not his thing). If she's just wanting a 'girls only' thing, then see below.

    Consider combining the invitation to watch TV with either another invite to go do something with just him later or a confirmation of something the two of you are already planning to do. Don't treat it as a big 'I'm doing this so your feelings won't be hurt' deal, but rather the sort of casual thing that two friends would just do.

    If/when thing reach the point of all three of you being friends, then it becomes a matter of doing things together, but also sometimes doing things with just the two of you since that can be a different type of pair-bonding (not better or worse, just different). So you might all three go see a movie, but only go hiking with one of them because the other really isn't into hiking and then later go with the other to the beach because they really like that. Or whatever.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  3. sweetfemme90

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    I edited your phrase a bit:

    "Hey (insert housemate's name here) has asked me to hang out with her and watch lesbian TV shows. Care to join us?"

    I think that sounds better. You don't want to have him think you're only including him because he lives there. You're including him on the activities and being casual about inviting him and not walking around on egg shells. If he is prone to feeling left out he has a insecurity issue that he needs to deal with, not everyone around him. You are being sensitive enough to invite and include your friend.
     
  4. Foxywolf

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    Yeah, that would sound like a reasonable thing to say to him sweetfemme. However, I am concerned about if the girl wanted it to be a one on one hang out. I don't know. I just would feel bad inviting him if the other person didn't really want that.

    But I suppose since it is a house they all live in and she's inviting me, who was initially his friend first, then she is probably not going to expect him to not be around. So yeah, I think that that sounds like a reasonable thing to say.

    But the thing about inviting him to do something else afterwards sounds like it could turn out being a good plan too.

    I might end up saying the 'care to join' type thing though, because it sounds more inclusive and casual.

    Do you think that the girl could be annoyed by my asking him if he wants to join? I mean I actually didn't know if the netflix would be in the common area or in her room or something, because a lot of people in college just do everything in their room. So if it was in the common area then it would be natural that he join us, but if it was in her room then if she didn't want him to join us then she might get annoyed. (As you can tell I overthink things a lot).
     
  5. Foxywolf

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    Would this be an acceptable thing to say: "Hey, (insert housemate's name here) invited me to watch lesbian shows with her, so I'll be over there, would you want to do something with me before or after?"

    OR

    "Hey, (insert housemate's name here) invited me to watch lesbian shows with her, so I'll be over there, would you want to do something with me before or after? Or maybe you could even join us?"
     
  6. sweetfemme90

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    Any of those would work. Or say "If you're around feel free to join us". I wouldn't overthink it. I wouldn't be concerned about his room mate so much unless the two of you were interested in each other romantically which isn't the case, so him joining you for some shows shouldn't be an issue whatsoever. The place is his just as much as it is hers so either way he should be welcome to participate in whatever happens in the common areas of their living space.