Everyday I go to schoold and after that I get on Facebook and Twitter and watch all those feminist posts and bad things that happens and and animals being killed and young girls being killed and young boys and girls and pretty much everybody being raped and my society and culture being treated like it was hell by my own friends and all the people being both angry but somehow happy and I remember when I tried to kill my class mates with my very hands and me getting F's in chemistry no matter how much I study and me wishing suicide were a viable option and me being totally insesitive to everything and me hating on people that definetly don't deserve it and me feeling like bullying that people so those rich smart and beautiful kids know what real sufferment is and me knowing that i will never be able to bully anyone bc I can barely hold a conversation with anyone without breaking and bullies yell at people and my voice is too weak like instead of feeling offended people would ask what I just said and it would be embarrasing and more girls being killed and my father and stepfather being total homophobics and people around me looking happy and not getting F's in chemistry and imagining in the news "17-year-older discovered dead in her room" and somehow sound of silence by simon and garfunkel sounding in the background bc that is what i'd like it to be like(sound of silence not being dead forever) and knowing this is just getting more deppresive and me writing things like "all feminists should die" or "animals are not humans, dont treat them like they are" or refusing to anything just for refusing to something bc i feel like i have to fight the world bc the world hates me and more and more bad things happening and me still not having been kissed by anyone makes me sad and music don't estimulate me anymore like it used to do and me having to go to sleep again to wake up in a few hours to see that i hate again and be nice to them and i don't know how people don't go crazy with everything happening clearly i didnt care about my grammar or other things here i just wanted to write this it was doing it or keeping in twitter writing bigot shit until i capted the attention of some of that people and they tell me all i need to be told im going to shut up now goodbye and hope tomorrow some of my teachers die or something so something different happens and plus i leave school earlier
Surrounding yourself with negativity in the news has clearly not been good for you. Take a break from some of those media outlets for a little while. Go outside. Also if you truly feel like the poor state of the world makes life seem worthless, then perhaps it's time you started becoming a more serious activist? Being a bystander only enforces your own feelings of powerlessness. Clearly you have some care or concern for others. I think that trait is stronger than the callous part of you that "wishes" people would die to ease your evident boredom.
Hey, keep going... It's hard, there will be always a bunch of things that make us sad or mad but we cannot let them take the control of our life and mind. Try everything to get out of that hole babe. Try pills, try doctors, try books, try talking with someone about this... But you can't keep on punishing yourself like this anymore. You're worth it, believe me. And everything will get better soon.
If you are feeling like you want to hurt people, and did already nearly kill some of your classmates, you need to talk to a counselor about it. You need some help, and hurting other people because you hurt is not the answer, nor is killing yourself. And if you're feeling things like this you can't control it by yourself, even if you think you can. It will consume you eventually. Talking to a professional, or perhaps taking some medication, can make everything feel so much better, and you will leave this old angry you far behind. Just so you know, just because people seem pretty or rich or happy or to have an easy life on the outside, doesn't mean anything at all. A lot of those people who seem to have it all, have alcoholic or drugged out parents who beat them, people who are raping them at home, or who are cutting themselves, or who are gay and can't tell anyone. I don't know if that makes you feel better or not, but you are wrong to assume they don't have a hard life, and in some cases even harder than you. Hurting them is not fair, they might be in pain already. If all of the violence and pain in the world troubles you, adding to it by killing other people, wishing other people dead, or killing yourself is not exactly helping that, is it? Gandhi's quote is one to live by: "You must BE the change you wish to see in the world." I'm sure you won't believe it, but if you died, a lot of people would be incredibly sad. Suicide is a chain reaction, and if you were to kill yourself, other people might do it also - people you actually like, who you think make the world a better place. Sometimes that happens with people you don't even know. Sad headlines get to all of us. It only makes the world a worse place to see that teachers or classmates have died, or a kid has killed themselves. It only adds to the feeling that the whole world is out of control. You can help yourself feel more in control by STOPPING ever looking at Twitter or other social media if it makes you feel bad. You can help yourself by seeing a therapist or school counselor or someone in a clinic or LGBT center. You can also take back control by DOING something about the world around you, by volunteering and getting involved in actually helping others who have problems. You have the power to help a lot of people, just being you. The choice is yours to use this energy in a positive direction, or a negative one. You can work to make the world better, or work to make it worse. As they say though, if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. So get out and do something you enjoy, or fake it until you actually do enjoy something, to help make the world a brighter place. Lots of people are angry, and sad. It is what you do with those feelings, what you do with your life, that determines what kind of person you are. I think you are stronger than what you think you are, because you reached out and said this, and touched people just by stating how you feel. They know that they are not alone in feeling frustrated. But turning frustration into violence is the wrong answer, and only makes the world a worse place to be.
