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is anyone else in this boat?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lemur4, May 27, 2015.

  1. lemur4

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    Yo everybody. So I just finished my 3rd year of college and am still struggling with coming to terms with myself, or even knowing if its right for me. Literally its on my mind every day. and the idea of a single thought alone shouldn't consume you... anyway i think part of the reason I'm having a hard time is because from kindergarten up until high school i never questioned myself and was very comfortable with myself as being straight. I even had a girlfriend for two years(whoa), whom i was attracted to at the time. But everyone else... on youtube... seems to have known deep down of there sexuality early on, like in middle school or elementary. this is Not the case for me. I seem to have spontaneously flipped a switch.

    Freshman year of college i realized that i was jealous of my roommate's looks... HA which i realized is another way of saying, hey this guy is attractive. and that scared the shit out of me. so i had to ask myself the question am i gay? i rolled over in bed and said no i can't be... and just left it at that for a year or so... its only in the last year and a half that i have consciously, seriously thought about my sexuality. and it hasn't been fun. I realize that with that and some other things i have to learn to be more honest with myself if i want to find answers... i just don't know how to be. I also have low self esteem, bad social anxiety and am scared to death of relationships.. so that doesn't help at all.

    Has anyone else in the EC world been unaware until later of the possibility of being gay/have any advice on being open with yourself?

    :icon_bigg :eusa_doh:
     
  2. azoth21

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    Hey man how's it going. I found your story interesting, about 3 years ago I had just moved away from home and started school. I had a roommate, i slowly started getting feelings for him. we had many things in common. one day I asked my self the same question. Am I gay maybe bi? at the time i really didn't have anyone to talk about this so I ended up suppressing those feelings till recently. about a month a go I was watching a youtube video and it really inspired me to come out to myself. i found it best just to accept what you feel and not question it. if that makes any sense. but yea, a couple weeks ago i came out to my best friend and she 100% supports me. im still trying to figure things out but for now im happy that at least one person really knows who I am. Oh i forgot to mention that i have some of the issues your dealing with. relationships scare me! and I am such a shy person. Your not alone. Hope this helps. :slight_smile:
     
  3. MattisStuck

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    I always sort of knew, but denied it. As for the social anxiety, being honest with myself, fear of relationships, low self esteem, etc. I can relate. I got to a point this year where I could no longer deny it, and realized I'm to detached from my emotions to deal with it (sort everything out) alone. I sought out a therapist from my local LGBT center, if there is one near you I'd seriously recommend giving it a try. I've only been going for about four weeks and I'm learning things about myself I never knew, actually getting somewhere. Long story short, it's been very helpful.
     
  4. Michael

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    Being bisexual still scares me.
     
  5. AKTodd

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    It never occurred to me that I might be anything other than straight until my first year in college when my roommate in the dorms asked me if I was gay. My response was 'I don't know yet.' Before then I assumed I was straight more as the default, because wasn't pretty much everybody? It didn't really occur to me to think otherwise even though I never had any interest in girls growing up. I just saw sex and relationships as something that the little people did. I was above all that.

    I didn't think about it again until a year or two later when a guy hit on me in the locker room and I took him up on the offer. It was about a year later that I came out.

    So no, you're not alone in not being aware of things until you're a bit older.

    As far as being open with yourself - there's nothing wrong with being gay. It harms no one and (quite frankly) can be a hell of a lot of fun.

    Once you take that on board, everything else just kind of follows.

    Todd
     
  6. guitar

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    Lemur4, just know you're not alone in your feelings of being a late bloomer. I didn't figure it out until my mid-20s. I had feelings and inklings all along, but I was very much like you. I had enough of an attraction to girls to get by, and had anxiety about the thought of having to reinvent myself if I really was gay.

    Todd said it best, there is no harm in being gay. It takes some getting used to, but if you really are gay, it's a lot more difficult spending your life hiding who you are (although obviously coming out isn't always an option). You don't have to be effeminate to be gay, you simply need to be attracted to guys. Don't let meeting some random stereotypical criteria determine what your attractions really are - whatever they are. When you finally wind up with who you deep-down want to be with, it can change your world. The first time I kissed a guy, after having had several girlfriends, it was like "woah, okay, this feels so right and so much better than it did with a girl. This is me."

    With that said, if you're straight and maybe just confused, that happens too. Let your feelings and attractions come naturally. Think about who you're attracted to and why. Stick around this forum, there are great people here who want to help you through this rough patch.
     
  7. ATtappman

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    I am in EXACTLY the same boat. Like, the identical boat, if only a little younger. I'm just now starting to come out to myself, and I think it might be a while before I can come out to any of my friends or anyone else I know. - it's rough, man. In my experience, it really won't sit right at all for a while. But gradually you start thinking of yourself as bisexual, and then you kind of just allow yourself to check people out, experiment, etc. It gets easier, but that'll take a while. - it's like trying to fit a weirdly shaped puzzle piece into an almost-complete puzzle. You have to turn it, and turn it again, and really mull it over in your head before it fits just right. All you can is hope that you start having more times when you're sure and happy and confident than times when you're in a questioning obsessive hell.

    - Just wanted to let you know there was someone else out there who never had crushes on their childhood friends, or felt conspicuously non-conforming when they were a kid.

    Good luck (*hug*)
     
  8. kaotyc

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    I never knew what I was either. I'm 24 now and I'm still unsure of what I am. Although I'm a little closer to solving it.
     
  9. lemur4

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    hey guys. pretty pissed off right now because this is the second time that i have tried typing this long response to you all. the last two times i had it all written out but when i posted it, the site made me log back in and i lost everything... so frustrating... so many of my precious minutes lost lol. my brain is really scattered now.

    anyway, on a different note...
    thank you all for the responses. i truly appreciate every one of them along with the support and advice. it was great reading all of your stories, really helped me to know that I'm not alone with this late bloomer thing.

    azoth21, that did help. thanks for sharing your story, i think ours are very similar. and congrats on coming out!

    MattisStuck, glad to hear you're more unstuck. I'm currently seeing a LGBT friendly CBT therapist but he only helps with my anxiety. talking to a LGBT center therapist might help me out, thanks for the idea.

    AKTodd, now that i think about it, i had similar views on sex in high school, which is why i abstained. and those views became stronger in college. i can remember seeing guys and girls together at parties or just around, having a good time. And listening to who had sex with who from my guy friends. part of me felt left out, but part of me felt like i had evolved beyond them. as for being open with myself, i know that realizing theres nothing wrong with being gay is my main hurdle. but i grew up in a very christian house so for me its hard because that moral compass is deeply ingrained into me. fortunately I'm able to be somewhat open minded about it but it can be confusing.

    Guitar, I'm really not that effeminate, and I'm not attracted to the stereotypical gay guy. which might make it harder to find someone. as for who I'm attracted to, if a girl is hot ill be turned on sometimes but i can't get turned on by a guys body. its more the thought of a guy. i think I'm more attracted to character and vibes. and for a while my drive has been low... so its hard to really know who attracts me.

    these feelings are confusing to deal with especially since they are relatively new. so far I've come out to two people but feel very unsure of myself after each one. I'm not sure i was ready. i didn't get the relief that most people talk about. the first one was a guy i thought was gay but turned out to be straight... awkward. the second was a over text, not the best thing to do over text i know. but I'm seeing her in person soon and she is gay so I'm looking forward to talking with her.

    ---------- Post added 31st May 2015 at 09:59 PM ----------

    Finally worked!
     
  10. Celatus

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    Yes, definitely! I didn't even see it coming until my senior year of high school. I remember always being envious of other guys my age for their attractive looks for many years, ever since I became aware of that kind of thing. But I always assumed that I was just jealous. But little did I know I was actually admiring how handsome they were xD. I remember people asking if I was gay after I would act a certain way or say something, very occassionally over the course of several years. Then it just occurred to me that a friend of mine was actually cute. Just overall, personality and looks wise, cute. Like hey, I would date that guy. And then it hit me haha. So I pretty much went from a supposedly straight guy for 17 years to a secretly gay guy in less than a few months.