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My life so far and me ranting intoxicated but its true. I do have questions though?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by TyTy91, Jun 4, 2015.

  1. TyTy91

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    I havent been on here for a long time its been awhile. I just want to say that Im intoxicated, however I feel that I'm honest and relaxed and could careless about anyones feelings. Im not here for a pity party, if you feel bad for me then it what it is. I can't help you with that!

    So about the beginning of this year it started out on a bad note, I had to move back in with my parents, who are devout Jehovahs Witness, because I couldn't afford to live with my roommates (which one of them was my sister and her kids) so I had to leave and then my sister came to my parents place, because, they had an eviction notice. So Im pretty much living with my parents, and they were kind enough to let me live with them for until May. Yet I'm still here! My sister and her family already moved out into their own place, they're somewhat struggling. My sisters boyfriend has a full time job and my sister is unemployed but signed up for temp agency and is getting some positions from day to day. Today for example she had to work most of the day 8am-5pm and I had to watch my nieces, while my parents are out of town for work.

    Anyways I'm going to talk about me because my sister had ALOT of problems while growing up and she is 27 and is still going through problems today, at this point i'm still talking about my sister and never about me. Its alway been about here.

    I REALLY want to work in the entertainment industry for TV/Movies, and be a independent actor for small rolls, but I jut dont have the talent and skills to do that. I dont think I have a poor memory and I feel apathetic most of the time, even though I can feel emotional too sometimes.

    I am naturally attracted to music and singing and acting but I dont have any talents with that, I wish I did but I don't. It is what it is.
    I want to work in the Tv/Film industry behind the scenes but I dont feel like have the skills to do most of the careers, even though in high school I had 3 years of taking Broadcast Video Production. I had a Bs during those classes. I wish I was talented in editing like Mark on Mark & Ethan on youtube. Ive been watching them for the past 2 years. They are great!:slight_smile:



    I'm going to be honest with you, I dont feel like that im going live long, I just have a feeling, and it's also in the back of my mind for a while, and I don't know why. Also when growing up I cheated death 3 times where I should've died. I was nearly crush to death twice, and I almost drowned when I was much younger. I can swim now thanks to that. In away I think it's going to happen soon because Ive honestly accepted death its part of life , we're all not going to be on this earth forever. I believe there is an afterlife, but I know that the life we are living right now isn't going to last. I'm not really taking anything seriously anymore, retirement, the future. I've never been in a relationship before ,and im giving up on that now, I dont have any talents or good skills that I posses of. I tried them but keep failing. I fail at everything pretty much. I try and Im trying but no use. Why try more, when Im going to be disappointed in myself?


    I honestly thought about suicide when I came out to my mom in 2010, I thought about hanging myself, but I was too chicken to do it. She said (my mom) she said she knew that I was gay, but, at the same time she was pretty angry. So how are you angry yet you already knew that I was gay??? I guess she did know but didnt want to be true. My I told my dad I was gay in 2009 (February) he knew but told me that I was going to die when armageddon. I am getting emotional right now, I keep thinking to myself that "someone is going through something worse" and that is true. However there is so much that I can take.

    Recently the movie with Queen Latifah and Monique the HBO movie "Bessie" came and long story short when my dad was downstairs along with the rest of my family Queen Latifah as Bessie was bed with another woman and my dad said "Ewww she has a girl friend" (Bessie Smith was really bisexual btw) anyways I just shook my head standing by my door, and I came out to my dad 6 years ago and he is still the same. My mom is too the same way.


    Ive been dealing with ADHD -Inattentive since I was 6 social anxiety and depression for a long time. Ive been going to my doctor since 2011 when I told him about my symptoms Ive dealing with for weeks. It sucks now because he is retiring very soon. This month is going to be last time I see him this June! :frowning2:

    It doesnt make me feel any better by going on youtube and looking at people who are dealing with racism within the same gender loving community. So I as a African American gay man that has really never been outgoing and seeing these videos out here it just makes me loose hope.
    How in the hell does a gay person discriminate another person because of their skin type? That is hypocritical, because I myself as a double minority, i,m black and gay and see both sides and you wonder why you don't see people of color in HRC campaigns or GLAAD you don't feel apart of anything. I don't feel apart of anything. So if people who are social and are gay and of color, what makes you think that I stand a chance???
    This might be controversial but it is what is, you white gays and latinos in the US be thankful for who you are, and that you are NOTICE esp in the gay community, because we African Americans and Middle Eastern and Asians have it VERY tough in this country.
    I dont get why people have such strict preferences love is love and that is true. You say love is love but you have on a profile "no chocolate, no curry, no rice, no whites, yet you say "love is love" too! Fuck you!

    It also makes me frustrated that alot of gay men and lesbians still want to go out with people like that, its crazy to me I dont understand and neber will. With me Im blessed that I dont have a racial preference, because I know how it feels to be discriminated against and notice that (even though I never been in a relationship before) LOVE IS BLIND, if you fall in love with a person you wont care about their faults or the way they look.


    We really do! It makes me ANGRY that marriage equality is more important than a LGBT (I should say a same gender loving person) on the street and having nothing to eat or to steal and lie to have have feed themselves or being bullied and wanting to hang themselves because of who they are I don't care at the end of the day, the HRC only cares about marriage equality not anything else. I feel that way. I feel that homeless same gender loving and transitional genders are notice, people with HIV, unemployment discrimination that more important than fucking marriage, most people are going getting a divorce because people lack in knowing what love is. Look at the straight people 50% of them are divorce and its climbing.

    I wish I could win the lottery to financially be on my own, and to also help build more homeless shelters for people of any age that are going through something tough, whether it be because of rejection and being kicked of by the parents, substance abuse, anything of that nature. I don't know why God hasnt blessed me with hundreds of millions of dollars to do that. I did guess a couple of numbers yesterday on the Mega Millions 11 & 22 this past Tuesday. Who knows. I just wish to help people in need, because that would make the person feel good, and they would make me happy to and being happy is a GOOD THING!

    OMG this felt nice to get off my chest Im crying but it is what it is.

    This world is just so fucked up and you have to admit that it is fucked up. It's true, I'm telling you.

    There is alot of things that we should be thankful for, even me Im not dying of cancer my parents took me in even though in their religion is suppose to disown me, etc.



    My parents are in LA right now they will be back, I feel like I need a drink of alcohol (not as much as I have in me now) but enough where I feel relaxed and just talk openly to my parents for once about how I feel and whats going though their minds as well. Because they've had a rough life too and I think that has affected their parenting skills with me and my sister because Im 24 and my dad hasn't spoken to his dad since the last time I've seen my grandfather when I was 7 or 8. They don't talk!


    So yeah if you think im crazy and etc Im on medication Im on Wellbutrin (4years) Effexor (2 months) Ambien (6 months) I take them all 3 times a day.

    However I will admit something crazy about me is that I always have a smile on my face and I never tell people how i'm feeling.




    Do you think Im suicidal? Should I tell my doctor? Im scared I don't want to tell my therapist and doctor about my feelings.
    What is wrong with me?
    How to get out of my shell when you have social anxiety?
    How to be more couragous and more motivated?
    How to continue conversations when you have social anxiety?
    When/ If I go out should I tell them an advance that i'm dealing with social anxiety and to please forgive me?
    How to get a look for a job with no motivation and scared

    Please dont judge me, we all have problems! Please dont judge me
     
  2. awesomeyodais

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    Re: My life so far and me ranting intoxicated but its true. I do have questions thoug

    Hey we all struggle with something or other, and most of us have done things that don't sound so great after the fact, but did at the time.
    I would encourage you to talk to your doctor about these thought patterns, whether they've been with you for a long time (i.e. meds aren't helping) or are more recent (and could be side-effects of meds). Speaking of interactions, I encourage you to research side-effects of alcohol and the meds you're taking. You may want to discuss with your doctor, and possibly adjust your alcohol intake. That decision is up to you obviously, but it could be contributing to some of your issues at the moment.
    Keeping a positive image/smiling while feeling hurt/broken on the inside is something most people here have dealt with at some point or another, or still do. Not necessarily the most healthy behaviour, but in many cases that's how we have been told we should behave. Possibly this falls in the list of lessons or patterns to "un-learn", and some form of counselling could be of help in this, if that's available to you.
    Sounds like you're having a difficult time, but it's encouraging that you are realizing it, and reaching out. Some people spend a good part of their life without even being aware that it probably doesn't have to be like that, and that they deserve better.
     
  3. Gandee

    Gandee Guest

    Re: My life so far and me ranting intoxicated but its true. I do have questions thoug

    Hi there!

    I am one of those people who are incapable of feeling pity. I don't know why, it is what it is! But I can offer compassion and more importantly, a listening ear, or in this case, a reading eye :slight_smile:. I will try to help in anyway I can.

    First of all, don't think "other people have it worse", your problems are real and they cause you suffering. Don't guilt trip yourself! Only think that way if it's truly inspiring.

    Now to your questions:
    Do you think Im suicidal? Should I tell my doctor? Im scared I don't want to tell my therapist and doctor about my feelings.
    Yes, I think you are probably suicidal. I've been there. And yes, you should tell your therapists and doctors. They are there to help you :slight_smile:. If you find it difficult to talk about your feelings, perhaps you should write it down to paper and show them instead?

    What is wrong with me?
    You're human and you're suffering. That's what wrong.

    How to get out of my shell when you have social anxiety?
    Baby step, by disclosing your feelings to your doctors and therapists first.

    How to be more couragous and more motivated?
    Honestly, I don't know :frowning2:. It's different for each person. For me I just keep looking for new things. Sometimes I just think "Screw it! Love me or hate me, I don't care! I want this!"

    How to continue conversations when you have social anxiety?
    Baby step again, start with small talks, if the conversation isn't going anywhere, drop it, wait for another opportunities. If you're lucky, you may find one of those people who are just easy to talk to.

    When/ If I go out should I tell them an advance that i'm dealing with social anxiety and to please forgive me?
    I think you don't have to tell anything. People can pick up on those things. And they are actually quite forgiving :slight_smile: Most people don't mind. However, if it makes you feel more comfortable, then tell them! It might actually be a good ice breaker as most people went through social anxiety at some point.

    How to get a look for a job with no motivation and scared
    Sorry, there is no trickery. You'll just have to fill application after application. You will get rejected more often than not, but eventually you'll get there. It helps if you have someone who can vouch for you. Hm, someone in America might know more about job opportunities than I do, so don't take my answer seriously.

    We are here for you :slight_smile:
     
  4. TyTy91

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    Re: My life so far and me ranting intoxicated but its true. I do have questions thoug

    @ Gabdalf Hey its late here but Im sober now! I still don't regret however I wouldn't have admitted about me feeling suicidal. Other than that yeah I would've said what I said in the beginning without alcohol.

    I had this idea of getting to know me by interviewing myself about deep question and be all honest by recording myself by audio. Or to gather everything I can from my memories and write them down. I don't know what to do.

    However Gandalf you made me feel better when typed above saying that with a therapist I can write out instead of telling her.
     
  5. Monraffe

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    Re: My life so far and me ranting intoxicated but its true. I do have questions thoug

    Ty, you have already won the lottery, you are just not able to see it. Since you like movies I'll use Groundhog Day to make my point. But first a diversion to a little math to demonstrate how the plot of the film brilliantly uses something imaginary to talk about something real. There are limits to math that go beyond human ability to calculate certain things so the Greek mathematician Heron of Alexandria in 1550 came up with the idea of complex numbers which turn uncalculateable figures into real numbers so that things previously hidden from our view could become understood. I believe the plot of Groundhog Day does a similar thing with life. It converts something we can't see or understand very well into something real so we can understand it. So in reality Phil Conners is in a rut. He wakes up every morning feeling shitty about his life because he is having trouble advancing in his career, love life, etc., and everyone and everything around him just seems to annoy him. Then he gets a better job and advances but deep down inside he knows he is still in his rut and that he will eventually start feeling shitty again. So the film repeats Groundhog Day over and over in order to convert and play out the consequences of being in a rut in real time. It's just brilliant. So the million dollar question is, what is it that Phil Conners does at the end of the film that allows him to finally move on? The answer to that question is the point of the film. It's the uncalculatable equation that when converted to a real state - dealing with the day repeating over and over - gives us insight into the solution for getting out of our complex ruts. And Ty, you are in a hugly complicated rut here. So watch the film again. Over and over if you like (sorry about that :wink:).

    The rational for your journey through life is ultimately a positive one. I truly believe that. Have patience and don't walk out on it before you get to the good parts. You are African American and gay for the most perfect reasons and you are a beautiful, beautiful, human being, frustrated, and looking for a way to let the blind know about you. I hope you find it!
     
    #5 Monraffe, Jun 5, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2015