Once I was told, that as years pass through, it'll hurt less, that I'll miss less, cry less. I turned 18 yesterday, and I can say it's a lie. It hurts more than it used to. Scars are deeper. Tears burn more. You are expected to do more, to somehow deal with everything. And you know, it changes you. And you'll probably hate it, hate yourself. Or am I just getting weaker? I'm just tired. Tired of faking, trying, breathing. Even when I'm the best version of myself, it ain't enough. I'm sorry it's not related to the forum, but I just can't..
These feelings are temporary. I used to hate when other people told me that. Years don't feel very temporary and it's easy to feel trapped. I've been dealing with continuous health problems and the unexpected deaths of 4 people in my life during my tween and early teen years. I think that the phrase, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," is bullshit, but I do think that how we change as we cope isn't all bad. I've gone through years of hating myself, of feeling weak and useless. I know the hopeless feeling that comes when depression clouds over everything you felt was positive. But those positives are still there. You will come to see them again, along with all of the other good things that will accumulate. I can't guarantee that things won't be hard, but I can guarantee that there will be more good in your life.
You'll cry less about the problems you have now. You'll hurt less about the problems you have now. Time does heal everything. But you're always gonna face new problems and new challenges, which hurt just like the old ones did. So maybe you won't cry less and won't hurt less in total, but the problems you face now won't be as big in the future. As you grow and you face more problems, you'll find ways of managing them easier. You see things as part of a bigger picture, have different priorities, develop stronger coping mechanisms. That doesn't mean you won't hurt, it just means you get over things quicker.
You are not your best version, and at your age I was unstable 24/7... And life was as real as you described. It doesn't 'get better'... It's more like you acquire tools to avoid being on the edge at all times, but still even at 32, 55 or 100, you'll remain human. You will feel, laugh, hurt,cry,despair and the rest... Being human is not easy, who said it was... Now this doesn't solve anything, but you know what... There is no real problem, this is a temporary situation we have to deal with. Sometimes it will seem easier, and we'll say 'oh, it gets easier', but that is what we say, not what it is. You need to arm yourself and get a thick skin asap, or else you won't survive this. And once you got both, you'll see there are those moments when all is quiet, quiet enough you can see your own reflection mirrored over the waters... And then you'll recognize yourself there, and you'll know that after all life is really worth it. Get to know yourself and you'll know all there is between heaven and earth. And then you'll go to a forum like this one and will post something silly like 'don't give up yet, 'cause it really gets better'. Welcome to the rollercoaster, baby...
