Am I going insane?

Do you perceive the people you talk to as real entities? If not, you have probably just made a habit of talking to yourself or projections that appear to listen in order to cope with situations, not the worst thing ever. I do it occasionally just to arrange my thoughts more coherently.

If you see the imaginary people as actually there, though, that sounds more like hallucinations or schizophrenia or something. If this sounds remotely likely, a therapist or psychiatrist is probably the best choice, whether you hate them or not. Mental health is as important as physical health, and can go wrong in a similar fashion too.

 

Im sorry about your dad. Mine went the same way when I was three.

I also talk to myself and 'imaginary friends' as well because I have nobody else to talk to.

I believe it'd be wise to go talk to a therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist as welll.

 

You're not alone in talking to yourself. It helps me think more clearly. Many of my friends are characters in books. I like to think of them a real.

 

You have clearly had a difficult time and you can be proud of yourself for moving on and making progress more recently. Losing your Dad so young must have been very hard for you.

Many people talk to themselves, or more correctly, talk out loud as it brings emotional relief from vocalising their internal thoughts. I've done it myself sometimes, to bring order to things. It doesn't follow that you, or I, or anyone else who talks out loud is insane, or otherwise mentally ill.

What you describe sounds more like an habitual process Wallflower. It doesn't seem to be damaging, but if you are really concerned about it, you could make progess with the help of a therapist, by working on replacement behaviour/s.

 

No, you are not going insane. But let me ask this... Do you have panic attacks?

 

To me it seems your father's death (together with puberty) has been the trigger for such behaviours. I lost my partner almost two years ago in similar circumstances, and the feeling of losing it was there too, 'cause I spend in shock months, almost a year, thinking that he would return someday with some kind of fantastic excuse, even if I helped to clean and dress his corpse. I have never been in such state of denial, except about my own gender...

A year after, the shock seemed to evolve, and self destructive behaviour begann. I sunk into depression, my gender issues became worst, and to keep myself sane I overloaded myself with research (I'm into computers, also professionally), also I begann to drink heavily. While this was better than videogames, 'cause at leas it's more productive, I used it on a way to become harmful : At some point I spend 24 hours in front of a computer screen. My eye sight suffered as well as my whole system. And the 'drinking problem' turned my daily routine into a series of awful hangovers, trying to recover from the hangovers, and struggling to get the best from a brain that was hardly able to lead me to the bathroom without stumbling and falling over, 'cause the place was a mess of machinery,tools,empty bottles and whatnot... That's not living.

There is some degree of feeling guilty after somebody closer to you dies, and there is an absurd need to punish ourselves. You might need some counseling to work on the grief, as well as take good care that you keep a social life. Just get out with somebody 2 times a week, even if you don't feel like it. Write about yourself and what happened. I'm no softie, but I spend time crying at the beginning... First I cried everyday at random times, for a long time, which annoyed me, then just a single time everyday, and then it slowly stopped. Now it's very rare, and I'm not dealing with self destructive behaviour anymore. I'm not even drinking, except an occasional random screwdriver or beer at weekends, which is not really 'drinking'.

Try to open up a bit and talk about what happened. Time doesn't always heal everything, a bit of work by your side is needed. Some do it alone, some do counseling. I did it on my own, 'cause I wanted to learn how to heal myself and how do I 'tick', but today, looking back, I would probably went to a counselor.
Also be very kind to your mom, she needs you. Take your time to talk to her, give her random gifts, try to make her smile. To give is to receive. It could be also a factor, how did she dealt with it... To me the worst wa seeing others suffer, it turned it somehow 'hardet to deal with'... It made me felt as if I had a duty to comfort everyone, but wasn't strong enough for taking care of everyone...

Try to go outside more, and alternate days of videogaming with no videogaming at all. Go to the movies, to the mall, just avoid staying at home.

 

When we lose someone close to us, it creates fragmentation in our sense of self and identity. It leaves gaps that we try to fill through one of two methods: introspection or through outside sources. You initially tried to cope through introspection which resulted in depression and self harm. Over time it became unbearable and you turned to an outside source to fill the void in your life which was video games, this also allowed you to escape from the painful thoughts. Both of these behaviors are fairly natural responses to grief. Personally, after having cancer, I spent 5 years playing video games for a similar amount of hours as you do. This went on until I felt ready to move on and then through therapy and written introspection I was able to come to terms with my feelings and past.

It's good that you are starting to build up a new life but coping with grief does take time and you need to be patient with yourself. If you can, I would suggest to find a therapist who will hopefully help you understand yourself better in a safer environment and guide you through this complicated process of coping with grief and the rebuilding of a stable identity.

(*hug*)

Yael