What have I done?!

You need to stop being so hard on yourself. I know that feeling of regret and wishing you'd done things differently but the best way to look at it is that it's done now and no matter how much you beat yourself up you can't change the past.

I know it's hard but just think positive and don't beat yourself up too much. I know I regretted it after my first time but I soon forgot about it. One day you will meet someone you won't regret doing it with I'm sure .

 

You're heart wasn't in it - it'll be different when you give yourself to someone you love. Your emotional "virginity" is still intact. So what, you let another person touch you in a sexual way... you weren't feeling it, you weren't enjoying it (that much)... In my books, you're still a virgin

You haven't truly given yourself to somebody. Completely lost yourself to them. You haven't forgotten how to speak or forgotten how to stop repeating the same word over and over. You haven't been at the point where nothing else matters except that he's inside you, or you're inside him, and it feels so great you never want it to stop. You haven't pushed yourself to your physical limits, and then realised how much further you can push just because you want it-need it faster, harder, longer. You haven't gone so slowly and so gently that you had to stop just to kiss because slow wasn't slow enough. You haven't been simultaneously unable to walk straight, or at all, or maybe your knees wobble or buck but you can't stop smiling or biting your lip when you remember why. You haven't begged for more.

In my books, you're still a virgin. You haven't felt any of those truly corrupted, animal thoughts; you haven't put aside all else to fuck your way to ecstasy or make sweet love in the dark. You may have gone for a dive, but you didn't really feel the motion of the ocean. He touched your body, not your mind.

At least that's what I think

I think the whole idea of "virginity" is bulsh anyway. It just objectifies and shames people, polices and dictates what sexual activity people can or should be getting up to, and generally makes people feel shitty no matter what side of virginity they're on!

Go play a video game or watch your favourite TV show or read a book, and remember, you didn't give your body to anyone, and definitely not your soul. Just learn from this - you didn't enjoy it this time, with this person, in this place - maybe one-night-stands aren't for you. Or maybe they are, and this was just the wrong set-up. But you certainly aren't "damaged goods", "corrupted", or "broken" - you just learned you aren't a model man-slut, and that's okay <3 Nothing wrong with any sexual act or lack thereof unless your actions are directly imposing on somebody else's freedoms or safety.

Hope you feel at least a tinsy bit better (*hug*)

 

In situations like these it's best to focus on what you have learned and gained from it, rather than what you think you have lost. Learning from life experience is very precious and important and something we should never underestimate -- sadly, many people don't learn from experience and continue to make the same mistakes. You will not now. You have gained a very good insight into what you really want. You know that you want sex with a special someone, who you have a strong connection with.

I look back on my life and think about the first time I had sex and it was really nothing special either. Don't misunderstand me, it wasn't a hook-up and I really thought I was in a special relationship, but it wasn't to be and I now think I could have waited and done better, but I didn't know then, what I know now. The point is, we live and learn and in order to learn, we must live. We can have a life of regrets and think about what might of been, but I can tell you (because I'm old enough) that it achieves nothing.

I don't know what you did with the guy you hooked up with, apart from oral and I'm not actually asking, but there are different ideas about what it means for a gay man to lose his virginity. Some people think you lose your virginity only when you bottom, others say it's only when you top and I can't tell you who is right and who is wrong about that. So unless you tried everything to completion it might be worth thinking that you have your virginity intact for that special someone.

Try to avoid thinking about this in a catastrophic way. I can tell you that when you have great sex with someone you love and care about, it will mean so much to you. This first experience may have been disappointing, but when you have the real thing you will be very happy again.

 

Oh, DanDan, I'm so sorry you feel so shitty about this. First experiences shouldn't leave you feeling so down.

I hate to get all preachy, but having sex with someone does not make you dirty or corrupted. It may feel like you've lost something, but you haven't: you learned something about yourself. You grew from the experience. We're humans, we're flawed, and sometimes we do things we regret -- but if we learn from them, then it wasn't all a waste.

The whole concept of virginity (prizing it, saving it, "losing" it) is hugely flawed. Yes, it was your first sexual experience, but in the end, it will not be the most meaningful for you. You'll meet someone with whom it will be amazing: sparks, sexiness, and sizzling, the works. Fireworks, actually. Having been with someone else before won't make that any less special, I promise.

If it helps, my first sexual experience was not unpleasant or painful or disgusting, but it was not beautiful, it was not enjoyable, it was not amazing, it was not meaningful, and it was not with someone I loved. Later, I slept with someone with whom it was all of those things and more. You really, really can have that in the future.

 

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy yourself. Maybe casual sex just it's for you .

That said, " virginity being something special " is just one of the bullshit lies that people like to repeat. It ranks right up there with "the one that is perfect for you" existing. These lies hurt those who actually believe and buy into them.

Right now you are probably thinking along the lines of "what did it mean?" Or "am I a slut?". The truth is that it means that you got laid. No big deal. Don't read too much into it. Sex is a physical act and most people do it at some point. I don't think that you have a problem with the sex. I think that you have a problem with having sex with a stranger because it didn't mean anything to you. I've had my fair share of sex with strangers and I've also made love to people I care about. Sex is just sex. Don't worry when you find someone to actually make love to it will be just as special if you have had sex with 100 people as it would be if you were still a virgin. Making love is an emotional connection sex is a physical act.

Sorry that you didn't like just having sex, hopefully you can find someone to actually make love to then you will understand the difference.