( Okay, this has a bit of sexual identity, gender identity and just general stuff all lumped up into one category so I'm putting it here cause I didn't know where else to place it ) I'm not sure where to begin with this, so I'll pick up where I last left off. I made a thread awhile back about crossdressing. At the time I was really into the idea, and very much excited for it. The thought of getting to express myself in such a way, and the fantasy of being mistaken for an attractive girl sorta excites me ( not strictly sexually, though I won't deny that is a component of it ). Right now though, it's a complete non issue to me. At this moment I feel nothing towards it, negative or positive I just in general feel nothing. This is a common thing for me, I have a weird tendancy of getting into some kind of 'mood' where I'm really excited and think about this a lot, and it usually comes with a subtle shift in personality. I'll gravitate towards more 'cute' things ( online cause god forbid a guy do something cute -.-' ) and I'm kinda heading back that way again because when I just got my slyveon in Pokemon X and saw it's adorable pinkness I about lost it! Anyways, I just find it weird how I can just flip back and forth between being indifferent and being super into something of this nature. It feels weird in a way... I guess it comes in handy since my dad's already made it clear that if I start dressing like a girl he'd hate my guts. Then again, despite what he says, I can tell he has some level of disdain for me. Now when he found out I was bi ( thanks to a nosey brother ) he lost his s**t and I went through a few years of just some really awful experiences, that probably qualified as abuse. Especially that one where he grabbed me by my hair and threatened me with physical violence. We both try and just forget about that though ( as much as we can ). Now a days he acts like he's changed, and I think he tries to be accepting but I can just tell it's mostly 'for show' I guess. He always has some little snippet to toss in that really undermines his efforts. This one time his GF was talking about some nurse she knew and was trying to set me up with him ( not that I would be interested cause I ahte the concept of blind dates and am extremely uncomfortable talking about anything relating to my personal/love/sex life ). He looks at me and to my face tells me, "He's too good for you." It hurt a surprising amount, and I really don't even feel comfortable being around him because I just don't feel welcome around him at all. Now I'm open about my sexuality as far as Person, "Heard you are bi, is that true?" Me, "Yeah" That's it. I hate talking about it, and I loathe when other people have a conversation about it in front of me ( and I'm usually the example/subject ) and they want my input, but I don't even like talking about it so I just sit there awkwardly letting them argue it out and try not to get roped into the discussion altogether. I'm just really uncomfortable about it all. I have been asked a few times about my realtionship/sex life and I hate it. I DO NOT like talking about it. I don't like that being a point of conversation, it makes me feel so awkward and weird. Side note: Does anyone know if there is any correlation between sexual fetishes and self-esteem? Because sometimes I get he impression that a lot of my personal fetishes are some kinda weird self-punishment system...but as stated above I really don't like talking about any of this kinda stuff, I'm weird and my fetish stuff is weird. I have zero self-esteem. I mean literally zero. Everything I do, I can't stand it. Nothing is ever right, or good enough. My drawings all suck, at work nothing I put together looks good enough and I don't get it done fast enough, everything I write is complete s**t, and I'll never amount to anything at all. I don't even fully know where this comes from. When I was a kid I took an IQ test to get into L.E.A.D which was the smart kid program in our school and mine was "136". Which I guess places some expectations on you. I reallyed loved that program when I went, it was the only time I really felt excited about learning. We had a lot of fun and everything was more interactive. We wrote stories and a murder mystery ( which we acted out ) and it was awesome X3 buuut being "smart" does have a downside, you get a lot of expectations placed on you. Everyone just assumes you're gonna be amazing, do amazing things, become something spectacular, and when you're me....well you realize pretty quickly you just suck at everything. You're mediocre at best, but unlike the general population you're just smart enough to realize the reality of the situation. You have no talent, and the things that would inspire you to try are things you'll never truly be any good at. Eh but whatever I guess. That's life. No seriously that's gotta be my life motto "Whatever" I am so passively accepting of everything that happens. Good or bad, I just feel a general indifference towards everything all the time. I think I've rambled enough here...I don't even know if there is a question in all of this. Maybe it's just my thoughts being jotted down because I was thinking it. Whatever.
It would really be better to look at all of the things you mention here in isolation, because lumped together it seems more overwhelming. I don't know if it feels like that to you? In many respects you sound utterly defeated by life and I guess that's best reflected by your "whatever" attitude to your situation/s. The one thing that seems to run through all of the issues you identified is low self esteem. It seems to be a deeply embedded issue that may well be connected to the strained relationship with your dad. A harsh or overly critical parent can do a lot of damage to a childs self esteem and it can lead to a level of indifference in the relationship and beyond. People with low self esteem may then look elsewhere for a sense of escapism, belonging or satisfaction. Do you think the idea of cross dressing was an example of something that [seemed] to bring a temporary feeling of escapism, satisfaction or worth? If low self esteem is fundametally part of your problems, have you considered how you could or should address it? Is it something you are willing to consider or explore?
Well honestly the idea of low self esteem has crossed my mind before. I don't really know how I'm supposed to address it though. Also, Sorry about the big jarring mess of a ton of things all at once. I had a lot on my mind, and I didn't want to make a hundred threads >.< ---------- Post added 9th Jun 2015 at 06:39 PM ---------- I'm not sure honestly. It's a weird on again off again thing I have going on. Even since I was little I've always been a lil drawn towards picking the female characters in video games and I used to read the crap outta Nancy Drew X3 I guess I'm just naturally a lil on the feminine side anyways. If I really had to say it's probably 1 part genuine interest 1 part escapism. I've pretty much always had long hair and I don't feel right without it, and it's caused me to be mistaken for a girl more than once. Usually when that happens I feel happy about it in a weird kinda way.
There are some pretty good books that you can read on the issue of low self esteem, but therapy may also bring good results, if it is something you are willing to consider.
Yes. In "reality" you seem to have no real control, or feel you do not. At least with sexual fetishes, which deal with your perceived reality, you are still in control and can stop indulging in them. This grants you the power you lack in "reality", which is a boost to the self-esteem as well as sort of coping mechanism. I say this as someone who used to "corrupt" others, because certain emotions and experiences make others susceptible to things. You remind me of a few individuals I knew growing up, who had damaged self-esteem, so to fuck with them, I'd suggest various things for them to do, which gave them a sensation of power that they lacked, and so it was hard to give that up, even if what they were doing was cutting them off from reality. It felt better to have control in a fantasy than to be nothing in reality -- and I used that to maintain control until, well, I grew bored of them. They're both heavy drug addicts, or were. I have no idea where either of them are now, as it has been a few years. Not to suggest you'll do that, but eventually their fantasies made them feel desensitized, and they had to turn to other coping mechanisms. They never tried to seriously resolve their life, so they retreated into controllable fantasies.
Well I don't really have options for counsellors so far as I know ^^" ---------- Post added 10th Jun 2015 at 07:11 PM ---------- Hmmm... That's something worth thinking about for sure.
