An introvertic 17-year old who is said to be extrovertic, arogant, weird and unusual, at least that's what psychologist said... I have had some troubles with myself since forever... I've always been sapiosexual, I always loved people with whom I could just intelligently talk about anything and everything, I have had two girlfriends, but I could never really get physical with them, I thought it's because I was young then... I started understanding that I'm not straight... I've been calling myself bisexual for quite a long time, but I never believed it myself, it was just easier to accept, because you may eventually lean to the "regular" side. I haven't told anyone until few months ago. It was my online friend, who I actually played game with, we knew each others' names and I invited him on facebook, but he didn't accept my invite for a long time I just wrote to him asking why and he was totally honest with me, he told me that he's gay and he doesn't want much more people to know and that on his wall are some things that are sings of his sexuality. I played it cool and said that it's not a problem for me and I'm cool with it, but inside I was freaking out of happiness. He seemed like a great guy and I didn't mean I was attracted to him in a... you know, the specific way, he seemed like a perfect guy to be friend with, even more after he told me about it. I was scared, but I felt like I should tell him about myself and so I did, few days later. I have told him about how bad I feel and I said that there is one more thing that upsets me even more than family situation, school, people around and my diabetes and it is that I'm gay. It was the hardest time for me to force myself to push enter and send it, it was the moment that I will not be the only one to know about who I really am... But I did it. He didn't say much, he said he knew. I was scared for a bit "Do I really SEEM that gay?!" we talked via voice communicator, so is there something specific in the way I talk? But then stopped thinking about because I know it's a bit of a "gay-dar" thing, which I truly understand. Since then I could talk to him about everything, he was the first person that knew about my sexuality, feelings, depression, biggest dreams, fears... I told him everything. Then all of a sudden he started keeping distance, he wasn't much online, he didn't respond to some of my messages, he seemed like he wouldn't even like to talk to me. I was depressed even more, he was THAT person that I wanted to know and stay close to forever. First true friend. Then some day he was just honest again, he was told that there is a chance he has cancer. I immediately started crying I was negating the thing he wrote then I got to the supportive mode and with tears all over my face I started spamming him to tell me more and that everything will be ok, but he kept the distance. It lasted for two weeks, the worst two weeks I ever had, he almost didn't talk to me, I felt devastated, I isolated myself from people totally and kept listening to music anywhen I could - always. In the meanwhile he just wrote to me, that his bf (I got to know that he had a boyfriend) broke up with him. I don't know how could he do it in such moment, but it's not important here. I stayed away from people for as long as he was unsure about the medical results, then the day came when he informed me that it was false alarm, I cried again, happiness. For these two weeks I was praying for him every single day. I believe in God, but I don't accept any church (yet) although my father is conservative catholic and I must go to church every week. I don't feel it. I started looking at people differently, like everyone of them could possibly hurt me and I still do it. Then my depression got even bigger, with no bigger reason. I wanted to cut myself for attention... Stupid enough, but after I got few scars I felt so good... I have never had any problems accepting physical pain, but didn't know it was such a pleasure. I decided to not show it to anyone. I felt much better with it. There was no day without having at least few new scars. I got scared when two of my irl "friends" noticed my hand after around two weeks. They wanted to talk with me, to know more, but I didn't want them to know, I literally was telling them to "fuck off", because it's my life. Then one day school's psychologist invited me. She got "calls" from people and teachers that since some time I'm different and I keep insulting people and act arogant, cheeky etc. She kept asking what has changed, but I was only repeating that "my private life is private, can I go?". It didn't change anything for better, I just started hating people even more for invading my life. The next day my mother noticed. Somehow. I told her to get off me. What she did is cut my internet connection, my only way of connecting to people that I was addicted to (at this time there was one other person I really liked talking to, he still doesn't know though). I asked some guy I knew on the bus If I could use his internet on phone for a bit, I wrote to them that I might be off for a bit because I got into trouble. I didn't sustain much, after two days I argued with my mom really hard and after being called "the worst" and telling me that I ruined everything, (my parents are not divorced but for 8 years have been daily arguing about anything and are not even sleeping in same room or talking normally) I wrote a note to her telling how I feel and revealing that I'm gay. I felt like it's the only option to get my internet back, I couldn't live without two people that were at that moment the only ones I could live for. She was very supportive but while she was talking I was biting my pillow face down to my bed, I told her to get me internet back and get the fuck out. She was always the kind of person that cared more about others' opinions than other things, baaah, my whole family do so. I got my connection back and stopped cutting. I can't forgive her that she forced me to say something I wasn't ready to say. Since then I tried to be normal once again, I think I'm doing better, my scars are still a bit visible, but I do love every single one of them. It's my story... I know it's long, but I couldn't shorten it in any way. Congrats if anybody reads the whole thing. Sorry for typos/mistakes it is not my native language. I wake up everyday wanting to cut, I don't know how I am not doing it, I guess it's my strength of will... I'm asking God and myself why am I gay, why am I that way, I can't accept myself I feel like I'm lost and I can't live normally. Also this best friend again started keeping distance and I don't want to be obtrusive, I'll let him do what he wants to do... It's his life and if he doesn't care about me I'll be sad, but I cannot change it. This whole thing probably sounds pathetic and again I'm struggling to hit that "send" button, but oh well... What could happen... I'm already feeling like a worst kind of human...
Hi, Feln. Thanks for sharing your story. I think you write in English very well. I've never cut, but, I understand that it can relieve the emotional & mental torment one experiences. It sounds like your friends are trying to be supportive. I know, sometimes, we just want to be left alone, while we figure things out. I'm sorry that your new friend is being distant. It's possible he has his own things to work through & just needs his own time & space. I'm sorry also that your mom responded the way she did. She probably was confused & did what parents do sometimes when they're not sure how to act, they get argumentative and/or restrict something. I'm glad you have your online access back. The God I believe in is tolerant, understanding, patient, giving, loving. Just to name some positive qualities. We reflect those. Unfortunately, not all people apply those. Or, at least, not as much as they should. I'm new here, but, I feel you will discover a lot of acceptance here. I will send you good thoughts & big hugs.
Thanks GypsyButterfly I know God is tolerant, but the people think differently, that's the problem. I have never thought that such things like cutting would be so addictive... I don't want to even think about what could happen if more people knew, but I know the day will come and that scares me. I soon will be 18 (5 weeks) and I'm hoping for getting my life together as soon as possible.
Hello Feln I am so sorry that you feel bad. Life can be very difficult. Having made a good friend online, who could understand what you are going through, must have been a lifeline. And then he had all his troubles. The cutting will not help. And you could do yourself real harm. If you look in the Resources part of this website you will find stuff about cutting, which may help. Please try not to do it. God is a tricky one. I am a Catholic. I think you have to detach God from the human institutions which surround him. Everyone wants to make God in his or her own image, and then religion becomes a big power thing. The Catholic Church in Poland is pretty conservative and homophobic, I know. But that is Poland, not God. God is not homophobic! He made you the way you are, and loves you the way you are. 18 in 5 weeks? Gosh, that's a big day. Hopefully you will get a measure of independence. I don't know where in Poland you are, or what the gay scene there is like, but hopefully you can make some physical, as opposed to online, friends. We are all here to be your friends and as supportive as we can be. Try to be strong. Things will get better!
I know that church is not God itself, but it's ridiculous for me that some think you are going straight to hell for just being who you were created as! Well I'm waiting for my birthday just to get my ID and travel somewhere. Alone. I have been saving up money and I just need to find where would I like to go... I haven't got crazy much, but enough. I wanted to, oh well, visit the guy from England who actually probably saved me from doing something that would be unchangeable, but as he is distanced to me now my plans fell apart. And as for where I am in Poland it's the south part of this weird country no big citys around, so I don't think I'll be able to find friends like me. I know gays are everywhere, but if there's a place for LGBT it's most likely only in few bigger cities in PL. I love the "it will get better" which is literally everywhere, I hope it's true Thanks for your post it really uplifted me. PS. As for cutting I still feel somehow the emptiness of not being able to control any kind of pain, but I think I'm making a right choice. "Each and every scar has its own story and the fact that the wounds are healed reminds us that the things will get better".
You won't hear my advice, but here it goes... Get to know yourself. And... Instead of 'waiting for the right person' to give him all your love, try to give each and everyone you meet a little bit. Love is a flame that keeps getting bigger inside of us at all times, so if we don't let it out frequently, it burns on the inside. Be kind for your own sake. Also, focus on developing a thick skin as soon as you can. Mind your life, but don't take it seriously. It all seems big and important, but only because it's new and it's happening for you the first time. Go to Berlin, and build something there for yourself. Explore, enjoy, but don't let the fire burn you : Remember to give a little bit everyday, be kind, help others even if they don't seem to care... Some people will care. And as I've said, this is for your own sake. Feel free to come there anytime. You seem very interesting to me.
Thanks much For most of my life I tried not to care what others think, but inside I really did. I never felt too comfy in my skin so I guess it's time to shed.
