Married to man, widowed, relationship with woman...Confused?!?!

:welcome:

Many of the people here who identify as bisexual find that their sexuality is fluid and changes over time (myself included). Sometimes I have more or less attraction towards my husband vs women.

I was a teacher, so I totally get the pressure there. I was always afraid to do anything out of the perfect mold of what a teacher should be (like have a drink in public), and I'm actively working on being less self conscious in public. I'm sorry I don't have much advice, but I'm glad you found us!

If you want to know more about my story, I put it in a blog post. It should be linked through my profile on the left. Once you hit ten posts, you will be able to write on people's walls to direct questions at them. Feel free to start new posts or respond to others as well.

 

I would also like to welcome you to the EC community. I agree with bi2me. Many bisexuals fluctuate between being attracted to the same sex and opposite sex. So there's nothing wrong with you.

I'm so sorry that you became widowed so soon into the marriage, and at such a young age (*hug*)

Children can be very mean when they want to, and I'm sorry you had to endure being teased by them in school. I don't think that should keep you from having kids, even though I understand why you say you're having second thoughts. People tend to be a bit more understanding about these things now. At least in my experience.

I was (and probably still am) a lot like you regarding "switching" between being attracted to women versus men. That was part of, but not the main reason, for me breaking up with my girlfriend a few years ago. During our 1 week relationship (Yes, it only lasted for a week), I ran into one of my old male crushes at a party and that flipped the switch again so to speak. I started questioning my sexuality again and felt that it's unfair on my girlfriend to string her along whilst I'm unsure about my attractions. I was convinced that I'm a lesbian during that time, but running into my old crush made me realize that I'm still into men too. At this stage, my main attraction is towards men, but I do at times wish I had a girlfriend again, I miss my ex.

Perhaps you should talk to your girlfriend/ex girlfriend about your uncertainty regarding your sexuality, if you haven't already done so. I think she's great for sticking by you after all the ups and downs of your relationship. I'm sure things will settle down eventually and you'll be happy again. I'm sorry I can't be of much help. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope things even out now. (*hug*)

 

Similar situation. I always felt from highschool that I preferred girl friends. Having sex with guys in hs was icky and I didn't care for it at all. But, I wanted so much to like it and to be normal. I got married. He is a wonderful guy. But, I can never find my spot with him. I try, cmh I do, but doesn't work. We have a great relationship but I cheat on him with other girls. I know that I should tell him, but I somehow can't bring myself to do it. I don't think he has a clue. I put on a good show when we are having sex.

Problem is that many of the girls that I meet for affairs have bfs and want to let them participate. At first I said no, now I just give in. So, feel even more guilty cuz now it's not just with a girl, but her boyfriend to! geesh. So, I understand you.

 

I can't completely identify with your story -- I'm so sorry about your husband -- but I can identify with the going back and forth. I've been going nuts since I fell for a girl (harder than anyone I've fallen for ever) at 25. 25! I recently decided to say I'm bi and call it a day so I stop torturing myself. It's been a battle.

These are my thoughts. Not sure if they're correct or the same or anything, buuut, seems like you're saying a lot about your perceptions on societal issues. Freaked out to be a lesbian because you're a teacher. Freaked out because you don't know how it will be when you raise children, and you've had the experience yourself, so know it's not always easy.

If you love this person and can't imagine being without her, but these perception thoughts are what creep into your mind and make you miserable and question the way your life will look, which in turn make her miserable -- I don't know, seems like you already solved your problem. You "love her" and "can't imagine being without her." Like, I imagine that's what it's like when you're in love with and want to be with someone.

I understand the missing a male aspect. I like masculinity -- I look for it in females, except not too much. I love androgynous women. If you look at any of my posts, Ruby Rose is a big one for me. She's like my goddess and I tell my friends I'd come out to the world in one foul swoop if I could be with a girl like her. However, I've been with mostly men, and like feeling like the super feminine one, but also the sex part. Penetration would be a big deal for me/not something I'm willing to give up in bed. Sorry for the TMI, and not sure if this is something you can even connect with. But it's just to say that, I understand the back and forth. And I don't think it has to do with a fluctuating need as some people like to say (though it may), I think it has to do with what you're craving at the moment, and what's attractive to you in the moment. So you walk down the street with your girlfriend and there's a hot guy you take a peek at and start wondering about, which windfalls you back into questioning your sexuality and making you wonder if you're dissatisfied and really want to be with a man, which seems more appealing maybe because hey, that's certainly an easier life in this world, no?? But that's like saying if someone was in a union and they were straight, but saw another male or female hotter than their significant other, that it would make them go and question everything about the person they're with. I'm sure it's like, damn, I would be with them... wonder what it's like to be with them. In the end, I think it's about, who do you want to go home and cuddle and sleep with and wake up to in the morning on your worst day? Not just have sex with (though that's important), but who can you be yourself with and also love completely?

I think you should be on a break, because it's probably not fair to her, but at the same time, she should be able to listen to and understand your feelings about stress in a situation of having kids or being gay and being a teacher to children. They're all valid concerns. They shouldn't be, but society makes it that way because they're stupid and think things are one sided.

Also, you can move to a place that's better for gay couples if that's an issue. And don't worry about being gay and a teacher -- it would be nice if people would come out and show that gay people aren't just flaming, sex club occupiers. Plus if you're worried about how the kid would turn out, you seem to be a productive member of society. There's a lot worse. Like people who abuse their children. Growing up with same sex, loving parents is a million times better than a million other things.

 

Hey welcome to EC. I am sorry for your loss.

As I was reading your thread before I got to the point where you mentioned it the thought that first popped into my head was 'I wonder if she is craving men because of the difficulties a relationship with a woman brings with it'. I'm not bisexual so don't have experience with fluctuating sexuality but if someone said to you that your life would be no harder and your children wouldn't be teased and they could promise you that would it make a difference?