Over the course of the past year, I've come to terms with my sexuality and slowly come out to everyone, including my parents (not an entirely positive experience) and a former teacher who's gay and initially helped me understand that it was okay not to be straight. I joined the Gay Straight Alliance and was very out and proud for a while, and I haven't struggled with accepting my sexual orientation since the initial shock wore off about nine months ago. But now I'm really worrying about being gay and Catholic, and I'm starting to recognize the warning signs of depression, which I dealt with once before (I'm almost sixteen, by the way). I though about seeing a therapist but in the past that's only made me feel worse about myself. That teacher has been particularly supportive in the last few weeks since I've been out to my parents, but school just ended, so he's no longer just across the street from my high school, and I'm feeling kinda alone. I was so happy to be out to everyone and finally be able to have a girlfriend and eventually have a family and be happy, but now my biggest problem is myself. I can't stop wondering if being gay really is sinful and if I should be trying to fight it. I could go either way, but I'm going to be really miserable until I decide whether I should embrace it or fight it. Help?
Marcy, it's important to understand that the idea that homosexuality is sinful comes from a narrow and highly selective literal interpretation of a few brief passages from scripture - some from the Old Testament and some from the New Testament. Instead of focusing on the wider context in which these passages are set we home in on a few words and indulge in a process of emotional flagellation because those words don't appear (at first glance) to match our 'lifestyle'. It's actually a very blinkered way to read The Bible. Lets take the often quoted passages from Leviticus; viewed narrowly and literally they appear to condemn gay relationships, but those passages are part of the wider Holiness Code for the people of Israel and shouldn't be viewed in isolation at all. Furthermore, if we read Galatians 3:22-25 we are told to live by faith in Jesus Christ - not by faith in Leviticus. This is the same Jesus who made no specific mention of same sex relationships - the same Jesus who condemned judgement and injustice, who preached a message of love, justice and commitment. It was also Jesus who harshly criticised the Pharisees for keeping to the letter of the law, in ignorance of its higher purpose. All of these things we know to be true, but we seem to forget about it as we struggle to reconcile the idea that we can be LGBT and Christian at the same time. It's a process I have been through myself. I'm not a Catholic myself, but I do detect changing attitudes within the Catholic Church and certainly within predominantly Catholic countries. In many respects the church is out of step with the people in the pews, the most recent example is the Irish referendum in favour of same sex marriage. You have made great progress and you can be proud of that. Don't get fixated on this issue - it can tie you in knots.
Marcy I'm so sorry you're struggling with this I'm also Catholic, raised by parents who are hardcore Catholics, and I know what a mind fuck it can be when you're raised with that narrow view of morality. I'm also 10 years older than you and still haven't come out to my parents. You're really brave for doing that and you should be proud of yourself for having that courage! What's driving your worry about being "sinful"? Is it stuff your parents or saying? Also, what Patrick said: If you think about this stuff too much it definitely can make you depressed, so it's not worth it.
Thank you both for your support. In response to starlights, my mom gave me a lot of trouble initially, but that doesn't bother me too much because I've never had a great relationship with her, and she's often verbally abusive. What really got to me was my dad saying that it was really unlikely that I'm actually gay because they think there's a genetic component to it and none of my relatives have come out, so my dad is convinced that they're all straight. He says homosexuality can't be entirely genetic because they've done twin studies, so he thinks it's more likely a genetic thing that has to be triggered by an environmental factor. And that actually makes more sense to me than any other theory I've heard. Both my parents have gotten to a point where they won't confront me if I don't start it, so we've sorta gone back to normal, since we never talked all that much anyway. So I think I'm struggling now because I wasn't planning on ever being able to have a girlfriend becuase until recently, I didn't really think that was in the cards for me, but now that my parents know, I'm a little more free to decide whether I actually want to stick to my previous life plan, and so I have to decide whether there's maybe something to the arguments about homosexuality being sinful. And if it's an environmental thing, then I can fight it. I'm waiting for a chance when my parents aren't home to sneak past their room to get my bible and read some of the passages the way Patrick suggested.
There are a few ways you can go with this. I grew up catholic (still sort of practicing..but eh) and I know exactly how you're feeling. I had been having the same issue for awhile. Are you in a youth group at your church? If yes, I would suggest talking to your youth minister. If not, go straight to a priest you can trust and talk it out with him. Priests are there to help you, do it in confession if you really need to. I don't know if the way I have gone is the best way exactly, but I've kind of just moved away from the idea of organized religion. I wouldn't say I'm agnostic or atheist, I'm still spiritual and I believe in a God. God to me just isn't the traditional idea of this man in the sky who controls everything. Nature is my God and my church. Now, Pope Francis has addressed this (which helped me a lot) as being okay. There are probably more ways to go, but that's all I can think of right now. I hope this helped a little..
Well I take a different, less patient view, which is: Fuck them. I've heard all the Catholic fire and brimstone stuff a million times. Being gay, or "acting on it," is a mortal sin. It's right up there with murder. That's NOT the belief system I want to be involved with, and as I've grown up I've come to really resent the way people in the church judge others. Maybe not all elements of the church, and the new Pope seems to genuinely have love in his heart, but I'm so sick of the hatefulness that masquerades as holiness in Catholic circles. Why should anyone else dictate our lives? Why is it their business? Who are they to say what we can feel, who we can love, or whether we have a right to be happy? Also, why should you have to "fight it"? That's a path to lifelong misery and denial, and again it assumes that something is wrong with you and that you need to be corrected in some way, all in order to fit into the sick, mentally abusive worldview of grown adults who think they're going to float up to a magical city when they die. Then there's the "tolerant" side of Catholicism that says "love the sinner, hate the sin." Personally I refuse to be judged in a belief system that labels me a sinner for something I have no control over. If you do go a priest and tell him you're gay, chances are he's going to tell you that you're not in a "state of grace," so you can't receive the sacraments. Worst case scenario is that he's going to push you toward some Catholic therapist who's going to fill your head with more hateful bullshit about how you're a sinner. To me, that's mental abuse. I'm sorry, I know what I'm saying might come off as extreme to someone who still has one foot in the faith, but this is something I've dealt with my entire life as well, and I really do consider it a form of mental abuse. I love my parents but they're hateful too, otherwise I could be honest with them, and they wouldn't have a daughter who is distant from them and can't even share who she is. I can't reconcile Catholicism with who I am. It might be different for you, but reading your posts and knowing the type of environment you've been raised in (because it was the same for me), I can't help but think that youre suffering too. You shouldn't have to feel depressed or disgusted with yourself because some Italian jerks in robes made up stuff about God two thousand years ago and insist that it's the truth. OK, I'll stop now. If that was at all helpful to you, then good. If it isn't, I'm sorry and I'll shut up. ---------- Post added 12th Jun 2015 at 03:17 PM ---------- Meh. I should add that the priest will probably say you're not in a state of grace if you're sexually active with other women, or if you masturbate and fantasize about other women. Again, that absurd difference between being gay and "acting on it," like we're expected to be joyless, sexless recluses because we have the "wrong" sexual orientation. But of course having that conversation means sharing intimate details of your sex life with a man you don't really know. Not my cup of tea, especially if you're in the confrssion booth and they start asking you detailed questions. (And some of them do, which is creepy. Another reason to stay away.)
I've had some trouble dealing with priests. I was an alter girl until last year when a priest told me I couldn't be because my shoes were dark brown instead of black. Luckily he left and we have new priests now, but I'm not in great standing with them right now. I haven't been to church in months. I just wouldn't know how to approach our priest, or how to get my mom to take me to the church without letting on that I'm struggling with this, giving her the perfect opportunity to return to telling me how awful being gay is.
Do you have a drivers license? If not, definitely work on that. It's so worth it, especially in a situation like this. If you know of any other priests, try them. I would suggest talking to them in confession though, they can't talk about it afterward and it's a private conversation. You can probably talk to your parish priests in confession if you want. Again, they can't bring it up around your mom and your mom can't be there to hear it
Hello Marcy. First off, I want to say it is really great you have come out to everyone. I knew I was gay in middle school, but it took me until I was 25 to come out to a person in real life. I am a cradle Catholic (though largely agnostic), and I know how hard it can be to feel being gay is sinful, but from my own experience, repressing what is natural to you and (most importantly) not harmful to anyone else leads only to pain and suffering. Remember, if you believe that "God is love" and that your love for women is sincere, then you should not regard your love as sinful. Unfortunately, the Catholic church tries to play both sides by now saying gays/lesbians can be accepted into the community, but they must be celibate. They do try to be consistent in saying all "extramarital non-procreative sex" is forbidden, but in practice we know that most heterosexual Catholics are not following those rules by either having premarital sex or using contraception. Personally, I think that is too extreme as most people think sexuality is an important and necessary part of a healthy life. Also, you should really consider talking to a counselor who is familiar with depression and LGBT issues. Don't feel shame; mental health is as important as physical health. I suggest one who uses cognitive behavioral therapy or something similar. Working with a counselor is very good for getting an expert perspective on how to manage stress and move forward in your life. ---------- Post added 13th Jun 2015 at 10:33 AM ---------- Your dad seems to be at least rational, but he should know that there is also evidence that sexual orientation appears to be fixed early on in life, probably before birth (some people don't realize it until late in life). If there is an environmental trigger, it's not when you are a teen or adult, and examples of "conversion therapy" (changing sexual orientation) have failed miserably. Even a famous Christian "ex-gay" group shutdown after its founders apologized and admitted they now believe trying to change sexuality is wrong: “Ex-gay” Christian group shuts down following bombshell apology - Salon.com Also, you really should get a plan for moving out of your parents' house. As long as you live with them and don't have independence, you are going to be forced to live under their rules.
I just want to apologize for my post, it probably wasn't helpful at all, and obviously I'm not over my own issues with being raised Catholic and having strict Catholic parents. I'm also sorry for mocking people who believe in heaven. resu gave a much better reply than I did, and I second the advice to work at becoming independent as soon as possible. A heavy burden will be lifted once you're away from that environment.
I truly believe it isn't necesaary to move out. Maybe it would be nice, but not worth the trouble. I only have to deal with another three years here before I leave for college, which I need my parents to pay for. I'm used to letting my mother's ranting roll off my back, and I barely talk to them as it is. The other thing is that my parents fund my education. Not only college, but I go to a private school. I could go to another school, but the reason I'm so attached to this one is the GSA, my queer friends, and a handful of gay teachers who have been really supportive of me. I think my problem right now is really me. What I'm trying to do now is be okay with myself again, this time specifically in terms of religion.
Marcy, I struggled with this same thing for awhile. If you ever wanna talk about it message me, I'd love to share my experience and help you
