Simply put I hate being gay. Seeing pride or anything to do with it gives great shame to me and the fact that this whole month is pride month is just torture. What is there to be proud of? Something I can't change? A community that doesn't accept those who don't conform? I was glad to see the GSAs around my school because maybe I could be accepted into a group for once, but no. It was just more people trying to convert you to the stereotype.
I love being gay. I am truly my own person comfortable in my own skin. Such that I do not concern myself with what others think about me being gay, how others choose to be gay, and the likes. What is it in particular that you hate besides your feeling of needing to confirm? Which, as your probably aware is not just a gay thing, but very much a straight thing as well.
Hi DeathArcana, Ouch. Sounds like you've got a good deal of internalized (hell, even externalized) homophobia going on. That really can't be easy to deal with, so I'm sorry. Why do you hate being gay? That has nothing to do with liking the community or identifying with it. Liking guys is a part of who you are. It is something you can't change, but that doesn't mean you should hate it. I imagine, viscerally, you know there's nothing wrong about being gay. But you say you're ashamed. That's the real issue here. Why? Have you always felt this way? As for the community, well... The only thing we all have in common is being some flavor of LGBT. There are assholes in the community, and there are great people in the community. Personally, I like the sense of community. I've involved myself in groups that I knew would fit me: a militant group against LGBTphobias, and a campus group that likes to have fun. Both are very open to diversity, and people who do and don't fit the stereotypes. Community is just a way of saying "You're not alone." So believe me, there are many gay men out there struggling with the exact same feelings. Thee's nothing wrong with people who fit the stereotypes, but of course no one should try to make you be something you're not. You met a handful of people, you didn't get along -- but that doesn't mean you wouldn't get along with other people in the community. Before that, though, you should realize they're all people, individuals. What is there to be proud of? All the people who fought for our rights. All the rights that were won, and the ongoing fight for the ones we're still waiting for. And, yes, the community, the support, the resilience. I hope you find support and community here on EC.
I'm sorry you hate how you are. Not everyone who is gay has to be part of the out-there "gay community". I'm bi, and I don't like the gay pride marches and festivals either because I think they just reinforce anti-gay stereotypes. However, I understand some of the reasoning behind it and respect those who want to attend. You don't have to conform to the gay pride standards. If you want to "fly under the radar", do so. Society IS becoming more understanding and accepting, especially in Canada. With time, the USA will too. There are numerous gay role models now that you can look up to and not be ashamed of.
There are hardly any out there or those who just reinforce the stereotype. As for community, it's only for those who fit into it. Community means be like us or get out. Not in any of the communities that I have been a part of have I felt I belonged. I have more in common with straight people than gay people, so much so that I wouldn't call being gay something we have in common. Yes there is something wrong with being gay. People expect certain things out of you or to be a certain way. You also have to play the guessing game with each guy out there if you don't go to bars, clubs, or use hook ups. Not to mention that from an evolutionary standpoint, you have zero use. People say that everyone in the community is different, but they are not. They're really not.
No, even in a community there are many sub-groups. No doubt you will find a niche here. Irl it may be harder to find masculine gay guys because they blend in so well. There are quite a few masc guys here as well, snoop around the forum and you will find them. They know what you are going through and may offer you better support. ---------- Post added 15th Jun 2015 at 10:44 AM ---------- http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/179924-its-lonely-being-masculine.html This is not directly relevant to your issue, but it may help to let you know you're not alone.
Everyone is the same except for you? Are you really telling me that you think you are the only person who feels like they aren't "a stereotype"? Just by reading this forum you can find hundreds of people that feel just like you. The problem is that all of you are too afraid to create your own communities and are focused on what others are doing and how that stops you from being yourself. So guess what. Those feminine stereotypes that you see around? Yeah, those people got beat up, lost their jobs and sometimes family for being the stereotype. Then they got up, created their own communities, created events, and created a movement. But trust me, while they are taking care of themselves, they aren't thinking on not being a stereotype just so you can be catered to. I get that this can come off mean, but I'm just trying to put things in perspective for you. Want people like you? Then stop focusing on what other people are doing and do something to contribute to the community. You don't see your "type" out and about? Go out and create a group for people like you. Go out and create event for people like you. Do something instead of telling other people what they can and cannot do. You are wonderful, you aren't alone, and your feelings are valid. Now go out and do something about them.
Join the crew. the most part I hate is I've always hate it, knowing I'm not comfortable with my body, I just feel unlovable cause I know deep in my heart I would not make a man happy. I just wish I could a been a lesbian, the problem with that is I hate my body parts. and I don't really have feelings for woman well their not as strong as they are for men. just be lucky that your not me, look on the bright side you was born male so it a be easy for you then it would for some one like me. no men wants a half men and the only one's that do they only want one thing.
Stop being a dreamer. It's pretty obvious that our feelings aren't valid to them if we are posting them on here. So what if they endured suffering? What about those who did the same but still don't feel like they have a place in community because of the pervasive established ideals it has. Body image is clearly one of those things and the same thing regarding the current stereotype. Anything new would be edited in order to conform to the current values of the community and that's body image and "fabulous". Even the so called gay geeks are more like models in geek outfits. So as you can see it doesn't matter what you create, because as soon as you tack "gay" onto it then it just becomes another part of the established traditions in the community. There is no room for different just more of the same, so that's why we are here. That's why I hate it, because I can't be myself. As soon as the word gay comes out I'm berated for not having that body type or I'm expected to act and like certain things. It doesn't matter what I tell them, because it the end that's not what they want from me. They want me to be like them.
I just want to hug you. I get it, its painful. I just don't know how to communicate that this...gay world that you have in your head doesn't quite exists the way you think it does. It seems like you have been personally attacked by a certain group of people. Either perceived or real, and that sucks. But there isn't a group of people that get together and decide how certain gay things must go. But again, I will urge you to try and get involved with some type of philanthropic lgbt organization and focus on what you can do to help other people feel welcomed. Have you tried going to therapy with a friendly lgbt therapist? It sounds like you might need some type to process the hurt that you are feeling. I hope you feel better
DeathArcana has a lot of good points, many I've felt myself. I came out at 15 and am now 39. I've had one relationship in late 1995 that lasted a year. That's it. First of all...to everyone else - stop comparing us to straight people. They get 95% more choices than we do. In most places we are among 12-15 other gay people and that's all - that's before finding out you have nothing in common or you don't like each other or you've already met or they use drugs/drink. Many of us are stuck at about 16 because we never got a chance to explore and experiment with a gay community that is so damn hostile towards one another, that isn't so 'well, that's your problem - tough' or patronizing (wow - you're angry - I sure hope you get help and feel better). There is no real space to vent within the community about issues that affect our sense of self and sense of place within a community that, as I've seen over the years, wants nothing to do with you if you have no money, no college degree, no car, no expensive clothes - remember we came out to rip off those constraints that were keeping us in hiding - only to find a community that's even MORE judgmental and rude towards it's own members, and if you don't meet their checklist you're basically dead to them. And that right there is the problem. Trust. We don't trust each other. We have stopped looking for love because the internet has helped prove that very few, if any, of us are compatible sexually; there is so much indifference and door-slamming in each other's faces online that so many guys don't even bother looking anymore. Why should they look for love when their own community members treat them this way? What good is gay marriage for the other 90% of us who can't even find a serious relationship? One thing we NEED to discuss - if we care about gay marriage for the whole community and not just a selfish thing for our individual selves - is exploring how to find a healthy person to get involved with, how to keep that relationship going, what to do when you fight - things that most 16 year olds deal with. Many of us have been brutally rejected before coming out and worse yet, after coming out, by our own people. It's no wonder so many of us are in isolation and so many have taken their own lives when discovering they can't find any safe place in their lives. So I get what you're saying. Get angry. Talk about it. Stop allowing these people who patronize and condescend you to shut you up because you're actually expressing dissatisfaction with a gay community that did not welcome you at all after what's often a permanent, life-changing event (coming out) that you unfortunately get to deal with alone because we are too self-important than to care about the mental well-being of one of our community members who just came out and needs a few friends. Not doing these things is part of the reason our community is so addicted to pills, heroin, alcohol, etc - because we need love and compassion and a sense of belonging. Without that human interaction with each other, many of us will find it in some kind of substance eventually. And that's really too bad we are living like this in 2015. We haven't come as far as we think we have. Straight people have come a long ways in accepting us, but we have gotten nowhere when it comes to accepting other gay people.
I think I understand where you're coming from, DeathArcana. I do. I'm sorry you've had shitty experiences. I just want you to know that it's not always like that. Surely you've had shitty experiences with straight cis people, too. That doesn't mean all straight cis people are shitty. It's the same with us. We really are all different, because we're just like everyone else: human. I fit no lesbian or bi stereotype (apart from liking cats, I must confess). I've never been clocked as anything but straight by anyone, unless I'm clearly being open about my orientation. Despite that, I've found many LGBT people to be accepting and friendly. In fact, at the LGBT meetings I attend, only one person has ever asked me about my sexuality (lesbian, or bi?) -- the others just didn't care, and accepted me as one of theirs from the get-go, just because I showed up. I don't have any more in common with them than I do with most straight people, but we have fun and we're accepting. That's the point of these meetings. I still think you've just been unlucky, and I'm sorry for that, but making generalizations about the entire community is not the answer. Yes, we're flawed. And yes, why not try to fix those flaws? But that's not a reason to hate your orientation. I think that sucks, and must be an awful feeling. (Regarding the evolutionary standpoint, eh, that's debatable actually... But I see your point.)
It's just largely hopeless. I don't fit into either world and even less into the LGBT world. As I said, they don't accept you but only try to change who you are to fit their mold. Every GSA I have been to has just been people talking about the stereotype, something I have no interest in. Even among the geekier types I have no place because of my tastes. People just want my conformity, not me as an individual.
I know it isn't easy, but if you can focus on school and or work and have a well rounded personal life (not video games/TV 24x7) you'll grow as a person. You'll become more confident. There are a lot of cool, accepting people out there. You'll create a virtuous cycle: the better you feel about yourself, the more interesting you become, the more you'll be attracting solid/interesting people (gay and straight). The more "together" people you attract the better you'll feel. The better you feel the.... IT TAKES TIME...you'll see progress in weeks and months I hope. I know my teens were a struggle. Although I was good at school and a good athlete I was very skinny intimidated by girls (even though I obsessed about them...I was probably gay). But slowly I gained in confidence until I became an Alpha Male jerk (just kidding, sort of).
