I don't know what to do... Life in general is so complicated yet so simple. All those feelings, all those situations, all those problems and struggles are something so tiny compared to the Universe. I see people acting silly, bad, doing stupid and reckless things, I see people who help the others and are rejected. I am surrounded by the conservative folks, I feel like I'm the black ship in my country... I've been told I'm smart yet sometimes I think I'm so stupid compared to the others because I don't do the things like they do, don't act "normal". I want to do things I'd get rejected for, I wanna help, I wanna be different, I wanna live in a good world, I do shitty stuff, I feel bad for everything that happens to the others yet I'm so ungrateful for what I have and I don't appreciate it, I shouldn't be depressed, I can't be, I've always thought I'm over those things yet I'm just one stupid confused being who wastes its chances and doesn't do what it should, I know exactly what to do yet I can't go on, thinking about all the problems, hurting myself, thinking I'm relieved, but I feel even worse on the inside. I'm such a scaredy cat, I can't even cut myself properly... I smile but I cry, I pretend I'm good, yet I'm so bad compared to other people, I'm so lazy, I'm so puzzled... I'll never find love, I'll never tell my mom I'm gay... like I can't say such a thing in such a conservative surroundings, I'm so depressed, I'm not social, I'm alone... Am I actually stupider than the others, am I dumb and ugly, am I gonna find that someone in this cruel but poor world... I always reach a dead end... I do shitty stuff, I'm on my own, I die a little on the inside... I sometimes think I'm a genius, sometimes nothing special, sometimes stupid... Jesus Christ, does everyone have to go through this? I don't even know if anybody gets me... I'll just commit a suicide someday, if I have the balls.
No no no. Suicide never was, and never will be the answer to your problems. It seems you are suffering from depression... pretty badly. I suffer from it, too. When you have depression, your mind is a mess; there is always so much going on. It feels like there's no way out; like you're constantly in a loop. It's like you've fallen in a very deep ditch, and everytime you try to get out, you just keep slipping and falling deeper in. I completely understand this. First, I need you to understand that punishing yourself isn't going to resolve anything. I know it feels like the only solution, but it isn't. Secondly, I want you to breathe. Calm down; close your eyes if you need to. Go to your happy place. Now... just think about the people around you. Not just your family and real life friends, but everyone here at EC. It may seem hard to believe sometimes, but we all love and care about you. I'm pretty sure your parents have told you this at least once, right? No matter what happens, your family will always love you. Sure, there are bumps on the road sometimes, but deep down, you are their everything. If you were to suddenly be gone from their lives, their world would crack. They would go crazy. Your friends; they care about you. If they truly are friends, they will love you even if you decide to marry a cactus. If they don't accept you, f*ck them! Their loss. I don't know if these words are helping or not. When people try to make me happy, it usually doesn't work. I hope I helped, Anthony. I really do. You are a really cool user and you make intriguing threads. Oh, and don't ever feel ugly; you are fucking sexy. O: Don't feel dumb, either. No one is dumb. There are just some people that decide to use their brain, and others that don't. Hear this song: Fight Song by Rachel Platten
Hey, harming yourself is NOT going to help. I want you to draw a butterfly yourself. Now, name that butterfly after some one you care about. (If you can't think of some one, name it after me.) Everytime you want to hurt yourself, read, draw, write, do something, other than hurt yourself. When you want to hurt yourself draw more butterflies and name them after people, too. These butterflies are special, because they will die if you hurt yourself. Remember they rainbow is on the other side of the storm. And what really matter is that you are okay with yourself. We are here and we care.
No I suffer from depression and have attempted suicide. It is the worst thing imaginable. I have been struggling with self-harm for a while and it is a constant battle. It is the worst addiction because you can do it anytime, anywhere. Stop while you can. Please. Do things that make you happy, listen to music, watch a movie, read a book, whatever you enjoy. The key is that you are HAPPY. Happiness is the key. Do anything to distract yourself from hurting yourself. As Hobbes said, the so called Butterfly Method works great. Name the butterfly after someone you love, don't cut or the butterfly dies. It is a great way to avoid hurting yourself. And remember this, We at EC all love you, and we are not going to let you suffer like this. We are here to help and will do so in anyway possible. You are handsome and you are loved, if not by anybody else, by us. I understand the fight, it is a hard one. It seems like it won't ever end, but this shit gets better. You have to stay strong.
I understand your struggle, I'm pretty much in the same position... Although I have cut before, not long ago. It felt relieving, really good and I had finally the control over the damage done to me. I was too scared to commit suicide, yet I thought about it every single day. What was my idea of getting out of that state? I set a goal in my life which I want to acomplish, I failed, but quickly got another one, I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, but while still being overly said and trying to not show it to anyone I feel the need "to be". Hang in there, buddy you're not the only one sitting in the closet, I can sit near you if you want
Have you tried: -masturbating...at least its temporary relief -getting into a sport with progressively hard workouts AND camaraderie. I was lucky to find running in high school. I was pretty good at it (track/cross country) and it really took the edge off my anxieties. It takes a while (several weeks) to get used to the physical discomfort but once you get in basic shape you'll start to enjoy it. Just a couple of ideas. Hang in there my friend. I can tell you're a very nice guy.
