A few years back, I was meditating every day, and striving to abandon sensual pleasure, instead striving to find peace of mind within. I can recall that, although from time to time sexual desire would come to torment me, that on the whole, I was much happier than I am today. I know this might not matter to anyone else here, and that someone as unloveable as myself saying this might not even register on the radars of the rest of Humanity, but I think I ought to go back to the path I was on before, and abandon this futile notion that I could have an intimate relationship ever again. I think I am going to live, and die, alone, and the loneliness and tears just tear me up inside daily, and so really if I just let go of the idea, the rest of my life wlll be easier to bear, than if I keep holding out for something that becomes less and less likely the older I get. Time to let go again. Time to strive for freedom from desire again. Don't flame me for this if you find this silly, you have no idea how much I've suffered these last few years. Thanks for reading.
Hi Damien. I don't think anyone would flame you, or find this "silly." I just find it extremely sad, and wanted to thank you for sharing it -- because I welcome anything that makes me stop and reflect. I doubt you are doomed to live and die alone. Can I ask why you believe that, or do you not want to share? I'm not going to decide which direction you want to take your life in. If you didn't want a relationship, I wouldn't attempt to convince you otherwise. But in your case, it sounds like it is something you want. Telling yourself you don't want it won't make the desire go away. And I'm not one to encourage hiding things like that from yourself. Ultimately, I think being honest with yourself about what you really want can only lead to greater happiness than not doing so. Happiness is not defined by lack of desire. Your approach might be a little flawed. It's normal to want, to crave intimacy and love and relationships. But that doesn't mean you can't be happily single. In my opinion, that's what you should strive for: not the lack of desire for a relationship, ever, but the realization that being single does not say anything about your worth, and you can be happy single. Some of the strongest and best relationships come from two already healthy, happy people coming together. From your post, I get the impression that you have self-esteem issues. Have you tried to address these? Why would you not matter? Why would you be unloveable? Why should you be alone forever? -- I don't mind you not wanting a relationship. But feeling like you don't deserve one, now that is something else altogether, and much more problematic. Just my thoughts. Feel free to disregard them, but I mean every word. I'm sorry you're, well, not happy. And whatever you choose to do, I hope it will get better for you.
