Hey, Chase here! I thought this thread might be a good idea... If anyone here is like me, they often want to share their problems but don't like focusing stuff too much on themselves... this thread is basically for everyone to type their thoughts out, and maybe see if anyone has similar stories... You can share anything that's happened to you recently, so don't feel shy. If something's bothering you, this is kinda a public way of sharing this issue to your EC family, without looking for advice directly... I'll go first, though I don't have much of a story to tell- First off- I lost my best friend. Her name was Katelyn, and then a week or so after I left EC I broke up with this chick I liked... named Kaitlynn. They were both really close to me, and me and Kaitlynn still are close friends, but I am still kinda heartbroken over no longer being friends with Katelyn. I think it was a few weeks ago, me and Katelyn decided to go see a movie together. I told her before I was trans, several times, and we kept it a secret from her parents... but it always bothered me when she called me "she" or "Autumn" in public and when we were at my house... the two places I was accepted. It hurts because she was an awesome person besides that, but whenever I told her I was a guy, she said "I don't believe in that". This was because she was raised Catholic, and we used to get along so well, with me being an Eastern Orthodox Christian at that time. That day was doomed to fail. First she came over and I was excited... but then I told her about my new boyfriend, who I had recently started dating. She, like any good friend, wanted to talk to him, so I let them... but then they both started arguing over my gender. My boyfriend, Campbell, sees me as a guy 100%, and is understanding, which shocked me at first since he's cisgender. When they were done with that, we listened to music, having nothing else to do and us both being uncomfortable... I was about to cry, and we were kinda silent.... After a while, she kept asking about the singers. She asked if one on them, Ally Hills, if anyone knows her, was a lesbian. I then showed her a funny song made by Ally Hills about "How to know if a girl is a lesbian". It was full of stereotypes... I laughed, but she didn't. We finally went to the movies, and it was fun. We watched Cinderella, though we were the only non-couple there, with an elderly and young adult couple in front of us, and a teenage couple making out in the back. When we got out of the theatre however, things turned messy. I didn't have a phone on me, and neither did she. I told her mom knew when to pick us up, but she wouldn't listen. She kept calling me "Autumn" and eventually I kept correcting her, which made her embarrassed, since we were fighting in public. When we got home, stressed out, I introduced her to some of my FB friends, one of whom was Catholic like her... however, she kept addressing her as a "him" since she was transgender... She went home later that night, but we both knew we wouldn't talk again after that... So, anyone else wanna rant?
I am not particularly excited about the opening of classes next week for I'll be seeing two of my ultimate crushes again. First one is currently in a relationship with a male human being. She identified herself as bi and dropped some hints along the way (or maybe it's just me assuming real hard), the other one is straight but worse than the first one when it came to dropping hints. She's like the typical hetero woman who just breaks gay women's hearts while being completely unaware of it all. Anyway, I guess I'm just worried of myself feeling feelings for any of them again. After two months of hibernation, I just can't feel feelings again.
I need at least one million euros to make my dreams come true. I also need a toilet made out of solid gold. And several multifunctional servants that are preferably male, but honestly, I won't complain if they're female as well. I can definitely use someone who will cook, clean and take out the trash for me. I also want a cat, but I don't want to take care of it. Tough life.
I'm moving to another country, therefore changing schools. I only two people over there, but we'll be in different schools. I'm worried I won't make any friends, or the wrong friends. And I'm worries for my little brother, who's stressed about the move. But it's for the best, and hopefully it'll give me a chance to start over. These past few days, I've been avoidong my friends; don't want to hang out and saying no to sleepovers. I don't want to see them. Maybe I'm just afraid of saying goodbye. I dunno. I hope it all goes well.
ehm this might be kind of heavy since I don't talk often... First, I suck at opening up. Suck. Could hardly do it to save my life. I've been living in my own world without letting anyone much in for the last, idk, 10-12 years (dating roughly from the time I was sexually assaulted and, in my subsequent confusion, slept with two friends of mine and was exposed). My trust issues are so bad I couldn't honestly say I trust a single living soul, especially not myself. It makes it so hard to deal with it all. I have no one and nothing to share in or deal with my problems except for my own mind. My abondonment/attachment issues are a major danger to myself, perhaps not so much to my own life but my own happiness. I almost lost a friend some time ago and was resigned to that if I did I would throw nearly all of my life away. I would abandon my self, so that no one could abandon me again. I would live only for 2-5 close ones, never again form a relationship, give up on transitioning, give up on therapy, and live only for others. My mood swings are great. When I'm up. When I'm down it's so dark... Yesterday I went from up-down-apathetic-up-down-apathetic-up-stop... It's so fast and I can't do almsot anything about it. I suffered permanent damage from being in a respirator (induced coma) when I was 11. I don't know if it's that, but my memory is really terrible sometimes and my concentration suffers. It's making things like searching for a job, working for Amnesty, and just normal things like making food harder... depression makes it worst, my appetite has lessened. Dysphoria is fucking with my mind so bad. The paradox as it would seem, is that when you accept being trans, it often gets much worse. I cannot have sexual relations or masturbate. I haven't masturbated for many months. Even if my mind wants to drift away into a sexual fantasy I supress it, otherwise I'll have an erection and won't want to live anymore. The last years when I've masturbated I've gotten so incredibly depressed, sometimes for weeks afterwards, though I didn't realize what that meant. I am hypersexual. Yeah. A hypersexual, but dysphoria has forced complete celibacy onto me. Having the wrong hormones in my body makes me apathetic. I would prefer bleeding more often. I've cut sometimes but I don't dare do it deep enough. I've banged my head against walls/trees but my brain is always too reasonable and tells me "you've already lost too many brain cells in the hospital". I have panic attacks or break down and cry, sometimes randomly. When I'm depressed, like now I'm mildly depressed, I don't see life as preferable to death. I find it difficult to spend time with my sister sometimes. She's my life and joy, and yet I get mood swings and have to go away, although I can act for some time. It makes me feel like such a terrible sister.
I'm super jealous of anyone who is totally out. People who have fully transitioned. And earlier. Ugh...
