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Everyone Knew Before I Did?! Letting Go of Bullying

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Starwind78, Jun 20, 2015.

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  1. Starwind78

    Starwind78
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    I feel like if I came out to people I knew in school, they might laugh at me and say, "I told you so".

    All throughout school, people would give me shit about being gay or, at the very least, hyper masculine (by their standards). I was called the usual like "dyke" or "he-she" and this pushed me to dress more feminine to prove them wrong. The direct accusations and name-calling became less frequent, but people would still smirk at me with knowing looks or talk behind my back.

    At the time, I was a conservative Christian (except the dressing more masculine) closeted even to myself and used to cry myself to sleep wondering why people always thought I was gay, even when I changed my appearance.

    Since these bullies were essentially right about my orientation, I feel really stupid for not having figured it out sooner. Every time I think about becoming more openly gay, I remember the smirks I used to get from people when I would deny their accusations and I fucking hate it.

    I would like to say that they didn't really know and were just putting me down about being more assertive and (at the time) masculine, but I think they knew.

    Having other people, ones you despise no less, know something so personal about you before even you figure it out is infuriating.
     
    #1 Starwind78, Jun 20, 2015
  2. Seagypsy

    Seagypsy
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    I know the feeling Starwind!! Many people thought I was gay whilst I still thought I was straight, and a long-term older family friend said he thought I was bisexual whilst I was still a teenager (he is bi too, but married). I felt really insulted and angry at the time, but that's how internalised homophobia works.
     
    #2 Seagypsy, Jun 20, 2015
  3. Starwind78

    Starwind78
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    They meant to insult me though. They were anti-gay themselves. It would be one thing if another gay person had teased me about it, but these were religious or semi-religious bigots who knew I was sensitive about it.


    Gee, I didn't realize how much I hated these people until I typed it out.


    I'm now looking up internalized homophobia.
     
    #3 Starwind78, Jun 20, 2015
  4. Seagypsy

    Seagypsy
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    It's such a shame that so many people can't reconcile religion and sexuality, I feel sad for you having such people around you. The family friend I mentioned is both bisexual and a Christian, he works at my church xx
     
    #4 Seagypsy, Jun 20, 2015
  5. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    I can totally relate. When I come out as trans to my mom, she said that she had tried to send me signals before and had talked with other people (practically speaking behind my back) about me, although perhaps in terms of being stereotypically gay or something rather than trans, I don't know.

    People knew before I did.

    Although I would actually say deep down I knew all along. There's a difference between knowing something consciously and knowing something subconsciously.
     
    #5 Invidia, Jun 20, 2015
  6. Nelly1

    Nelly1
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    My older sister is bi, and for a few years she's been calling me her 'little lesbian.' This was a pet name, but it still upset me as I fiercely denied such a thing. And the thing is, I didn't realise myself at the time and found it very frustrating because, when I did come out I wanted to talk about it. To others there was nothing to talk about. I may be very feminine, I may have never been with a girl or even a boy, but I'm gay, so I'm gay.
    You should argue to your friends that, like you said, they called you gay or a dyke as an insult, and that you shouldn't be determined gay as one. Just because they "predicted" it doesn't make them better than you. If they were your true friends, then they should've talked to you about it gently, not criticise you because of it.
    Remember, you may not be able to change your sexuality, but you CAN change friends, even if it seems hard at first.
     
    #6 Nelly1, Jun 20, 2015
  7. Starwind78

    Starwind78
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    Oh, thankfully these weren't my friends. These were people I generally disliked and enmity went both ways. Even though I myself was religiously conservative, many of my friends at the time were gay or bi. They never even mentioned it to me. If they knew, they kept it to themselves.
     
    #7 Starwind78, Jun 20, 2015
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