So this past week I was at the CalNev UMC conference. (Church stuff... if you are Methodist you know what I mean) I'm agnostic/pagan and do not believe in "God" so this past week I have be lying so much about my faith. I was out as pansexual and trans. One of my chaperones was pan as well and I wish we couldve talked more. Anyway I'm going to begin my rant. (I wrote these while at conference so it is in diary life form) 6/15-20/15 Ugh....the fuck wifi here at the hotel is shit. My friends are gonna think I hate them which will make them hate me. I miss my ex...its been 3 weeks since I've seen her. It seems like sge wants us to get back together...then she hates me. She knows I still lover her...like a lot...right? I have met a gorgeous 16 year old shes absolutely gorgeous (but shes a bitch in the inside). Ive made 4 friends. O who is heteroflexuble chick cause shit happend, R whos a straight guy, J whos a straight girl, and K whos a straight chick...and 16 whos gay. My anxiety is getting bad. I dont belong here! They arent my friends. I'm just some dumb pan trans dude who nobody likes I can see it in their eyes. Maybe I shoukd jump out the window...actually I'll cut. (I ended up cutting 6 times) I fucking love how much pan, ace, demi, aro, and all the other unknown sexualities/genders exsist in the church'... I guess I cant marry with in my section! oh well.... I just bought some rainbow crosses for Pride so f u. I really wanna jump out the window and onto the highway... they wont stop singing!! My ex is back wuth her ex that isnt me. All the LGBTQ+ shit isnt passing for General Conference.... why am I here?! My grandma and mom dont support same sex marriage....greaaaat So as you can all tell I've been very depressed, anxious, and suicidal. The only three highlights of my week were that the LGBTQ+ marriage thing passed in my section, I was accepted as trans by a lot of the youth, and i met a hella cool pan pastor who is going to help me with something. (She knows I'm not Christian) My questions are, how the fuck should I deal with my mom and grandma on the marriage issue? How should I nicely tell them I'm trans and pan so they can stfu and sit the fuck down? How can I cope with my anxiety? Any advice for telling my family I dont believe? ...thanks...
