Feeling uncomfortable with my own group...

Hi everyone,

I don't normally do things like this, as I generally just chat to a friend or think it over and resolve it in my own head, but I experienced a very uncomfortable and frankly upsetting situation the other night whilst out partying to celebrate end of exams with our uni's LGBT group. You may agree with me, or be avidly against me, but any sort of input is appreciated.

Firstly, just to get it out there, I identify as bisexual. I understand that there's a lingering stigma with some people (I've had this if a guy asks me and I say this, they suddenly get all "no you're gay, stop lying" etc.) Doesn't bother me, I don't take notice, I'm comfortable with my sexuality with myself. I'm occasionally camp but for the most part I'm quite "straight acting" for lack of a better phrase. The majority of our LGBT boys are gay and very camp. Again, doesn't bother me, everyone's their own person, I'm happy as long as everybody is happy. This however, feels as though where a problem arises.

Because I'm not really camp, I find it very difficult to talk to one particular guy who is a group regular, no matter how hard I try. We started the year off bad; long story short I liked someone who he liked, I was oblivious until I started having feelings for said guy, who then screwed us both over and the disparity has stuck. We started to talk and get on for a bit, but last Friday it's just gone back to square one.

So, I arrived at the predrinks, things seemed fine, didn't think there was going to be any bad aura and everyone was gonna have a good time. I sit down and say hi to this guy (we'll call him Ted), and Ted's fine. As the night progresses, topics came up just as general chat goes, but every time I contribute to the conversation there's a "you're talking bullshit, stop lying" comment from Ted. I ignore it.
One of the guys in the group turned up for 5 minutes and then left, about 30 minutes later I said "oh, where'd Sam go?" and Ted goes "she's already found her prey for the night, that was quick...." to one of the other members.
We talk about arranging a karaoke night and I say "yeah that'll be great! I love singing!" and Ted instantly jumps in and goes "I've heard you, you can't sing, don't try it".
We also got asked by the girls who tops/bottoms etc out of us lads and I said "well I top mostly, but I'd say versatile because it's dependent" and he jumps in and says "no you're a top, you're a top, everyone knows it" so I say "well I just prefer the control" and Ted instantly exclaims "well you make that clear by the way you are all the time, learn to lighten up".

This was about 30 minutes of the predrinks, and it just went on like this with me ignoring the comments. His excuse was "oh well you know I'm all T all shade, so don't get offended queen".

After pre's ended, we got on the bus and bumped into some LGBT guys from a neighbouring uni, and the others knew them so there was a big conversation going, one of the guys turned to me and as we were chatting he called me "queen" and carried on, I said "don't give me queen" in a playful way, the guy laughed and Ted gave me a glare.

So after all this, we got off the bus and stopped in a McDonalds for a rest stop before going to the club. Ted decides to confront me outside and shout at me, in front of all the people inside about how intolerant and insulting I am and how I don't respect other people's ways of expression, but then decided to turn around and say how "he respects me as a person, thinks I'm genuine and kind but always look for the bad". I spent a lot of the night feeling crap and got upset. I didn't see him for the rest of the night (thankfully) but it's basically the intolerance bit that got to me.

Of all the people talking about intolerance, this guy spends all night being insulting, shouting and doing whatever he wanted, I feel like I can't be me because I'm seen as not camp enough for the LGBT and it really gets me loathing that side of the community because to me it's just the pinnacle of intolerance. My family don't know I'm bi and I get enough crap from my dad saying how I don't know anything and that I'm stupid so the constant negative comments hit home.

Even the one time we started talking about drag (I watch RPDR, find it really fascinating and Ted has done drag before) I asked him about it like if he went the whole way with it or what and he got offended that I asked it. I said that I'd probably get my face done but wearing the clothes and shaving, tucking etc doesn't really take my interest and he sighs at me for that. I don't know what the hell his problem is.

Bottom line, it's making me feel more and more disconnected from the group that I thought would make me feel the most comfortable, but it just feels like it's turning out to be just as "exclusive" as any other group, and it's really starting to get me down. I'm about to go back home for a few months and I won't have anyone to talk to. I can usually handle it, but I can see it being uncomfortable for the time and the feelings just keep going round in my head. Am I just being overly sensitive? Am I being intolerant? I know it's a one sided account of a situation, and a bit hodge podge, but it's just how it's been. Sorry for the long post and if you've made it this far, thanks for you taking the time to read it all.

 

Thanks for the replies guys, like I said I can normally deal with this sorta bullcrap but today it's just really worn on me.

Gandalf, to answer your questions: Unfortunately not really, I'm the only guy in the LGBT going out group that identifies as bisexual so can't determine if it's anything like that, and I don't really feel like I can talk to the girls about it. Fortunately I don't really see him as a 'friend' never have, likely never will. I had respect for him as an LGBT member. I have also defended some LGBT members from comments before as I feel that sort of struggle isn't needed, especially in a university environment.

Thanks also Dextoid, he acts more playfully with the other members and he's been in their friend group for longer, so they are all friends too. The first time it happened I mentioned it to one of the reps who remarked that I wasn't the only one getting pissed off with him, so I think it rides on the nerves of the others but he doesn't continually provoke anyone else specific. I spoke to my friend but since she's friends with both of us just said she didn't want to get involved, which is completely understandable, but a part of me wishes she could have just mentioned something to him.

As for the "camp" thing, it might just be me, and I might be targetting it, but it doesn't always help with conversations as I'm always seen as the odd one out (I don't really "drool" over people, and I don't get particularly hot under the collar for things like pole dancing men). I generally prefer the more "twink" style guys, and they prefer their hairier, older men. As soon as I stated my preference I got told "that's a bit fucking creepy". Just makes me feel like I can't say anything without getting judged.

Sorry again for the super long post and reply, but it's definitely helped to get it off my chest.

 

It's the uni LGBT group awesomeyodais, the other members joined last year, I was struggling last year but this year I've learned to accept myself and have started to attend the LGBT events, so them being closer is of course a factor that I've put in. With the "likemindedness" aspect; surely that's because we're all LGBT? Like, the whole point of the group is to stand together under that banner instead of berating others who still fall under the banner but have different preferences within the said banner?

He has no problems with his sexually which I think is a lot of the problem; he thinks I'm 100% gay and say that I'm bisexual because I'm conflicting, which really isn't the case. Rather than it being him on the defensive for his own issues, he thinks I'm bullshitting to myself. As far as I'm concerned, if I do end up turning gay, or even going back to being straight, it's not his business and I thought that he'd be more supportive, but he's just loud and rude and just says "oh it's all T all shade". I find he uses his confidence as a weapon, rather than a supportive mechanism.

There are several reps, with "Ted" being one of the more prominent members, which makes it all the more difficult. I'm thinking of talking to one of the more level headed reps since I've known her before uni. In no way are any of them unsupportive and I'm sure they'd be fine in talking it out, I think I'm just more worried in making rifts within the group and it just makes it worse But I think I'll contact my level headed buddy and see if I can talk it out with her.

Could you imagine that first post without breaks? Sentence avalanche!

 

I'll elaborate on the guy who I liked, since it's sort of linked with me coming out to friends (plot thickens eh? :icon_wink ). It's very, VERY condensed, otherwise you'd be reading a novel :lol: :

I sort of lied to myself for the most of last year, saying that I was straight, and when I got to uni I started getting on with this guy (who shall be named Jim - three letter names are much more simple!). This was the guy Ted liked. I didn't think much of it, we just seemed to click and we both played instruments and started jamming. I didn't feel anything for him at this point but as the year went on I noticed him looking at me in lectures or looking for me. He was also close to Ted at this point and as uni goes, I heard stories going around that Ted liked him, and that they'd kissed a few nights over freshers. Again, I didn't take much notice, it's not like me to get in the way of anything like that.

Funnily enough, Jim started ditching plans with Jim to hang out with me, but I was oblivious that he was doing this, and Jim, who I didn't really know at the time, got really bitchy with me. I started to get a bit nervous around Ted, and we went out a few more times. One night we kissed at a club, I was so drunk I didn't realise it was him (I couldn't remember this in the club, but a few close friends individually mentioned it the next morning), but we got home and he text to come round mine. So we laid on the floor a bit, I kissed him and he didn't have a problem, he just said "I'm scared". When I asked why, he just kept replying "dunno". He then really freaked out, left, and I really thought he was never gonna speak to me again. Turns out I saw him the next day for our band practice, he hadn't remembered anything and acted like it had been a normal night. I asked him if he remembered kissing and he got thrown into panic with stuff like "oh shit, everyone's gonna think I'm gay, no girls are gonna like me". I said (regretfully) that it was only a kiss, it doesn't matter, just a drunken thing (I wasn't out at this point so I was just trying to say that it was a drunk thing). He calmed down, asked me if I was gay, then calmed down and left. I was shitting myself thinking he was going to be funny with me.

Anyway, things actually got better, we hung out more, had more laughs, everything was great. We even had a day where he asked me and "asked 2 of our female friends" (lol no he didn't, i asked them after) if we wanted to go see the London stadium. Turns out the "girls cancelled so it was just us". Really nice day, we also went for a meal, in which the waitress left some ribbons on the table for us. I wasn't going collect mine, and he reminded me to collect it, looking quite concerned. Still have the ribbon tied to a bow stuck on my wall (lame right? I'm a romantic really ) I started to really like him, thinking back I think he was my first guy love; couldn't see him without feeling nervous, and he just made me happy.

I remember him getting annoyed with me because I invited a couple of friends to go to the music shops with us, and he got angry and cancelled, ended up going to the zoo with Ted and not inviting me out clubbing that night. Wound me up proper at the time.

Got to the point I asked him after a night out if he liked me, told him that I liked him. His reply; "oh but my dad's military and he'd get funny, I'm not gay". I asked him a few times upset, since I felt as though I knew it, and finally he said that he did, then told me to get out. Next morning I went up to apologise for making him confront his feelings, but exams were coming up and I couldn't think of anything else. I also asked him again (so it was a sober thing). He said he still felt the same. Happy cw1993.

3 weeks more of hanging out before the exams, exams went, night of the year group leaving party. He came to mine as I wanted to ask him if he felt the same. He still said yes, but halfway through the conversation said "oh you might have gotten the wrong idea because I call my friends at home babe all the time, it doesn't mean anything, I've never felt anything but friendship for you". I got really angry since I knew he was making excuses (he's never called me 'babe' ever, if he did I think I'd throat punch him!) Ignored him for the night, although he kept coming up to me to try and talk and dance with me "to stay good friends", preceded to phone me up when he found out I was seeing a friend from home to verify it, and insistently denied any feelings for guys (I don't think he's gay, but he definitely has feelings for guys, always looking at them).

It's a year later and after a year of him trying to talk to me and me not wanting to, he came up to me at the end of year party this year and admitted that at the time he did like me (all I wanted, can't stand liars, and especially since at the time I was going through saying to friends too, jeez...). Basically, his accumulation of back home family circumstances and upbringing really just cement him in a shell (he loosens up when he's drunk, but he doesn't get drunk around me any more, wonder why....).

I think it's a lot of the "you're not gay enough to have an opinion, you're lying to yourself still" bullying, but he doesn't see anything wrong. I really detest the flag waving "you must tolerate everything I do attitude", due to the fact it's generally those who are the least tolerant of others (i.e. not gay enough! more rainbows!!). I'm really not the bitchy type (another thing I detest, falseness or deliberate provokation, how hard is it for people to get the fuck along, especially in solidarity? Maybe I'm too much of a visionary :bang: )

I'll have a look for the bisexuality threads and see if anyone else feels the same thanks Just to reiterate, I really couldn't care less how anyone acts or is, as long as they don't impede or try to call me out on being too conserved or different (in conversation, not behind a keyboard :icon_wink )

If you made it through that shitstorm of text, have a dancing banana (potato wasn't available) (!)(!)(!)

---------- Post added 22nd Jun 2015 at 11:16 AM ----------

^^^ last emotonovel, I promise! ^^^