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Loneliness and apathy

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Invidia, Jun 21, 2015.

  1. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    This might be kind of long, since I haven't really talked about it before. I just need to get some stuff out of my head whether anyone will read it or not. I'm also practising being open, I have started psychiatry and want to get something to show for it out of it, so I have to be able to talk about my feelings.

    When I was younger, I was often quite happy, I think. My memory of my childhood is close to non-existent so I can't say for sure. I was in the wrong body, which was one of the things that made me into a person who is always a bit "out there", "way up in the clouds", daydreaming more than other kids, wondering how they could find such happiness in small things like playing ball. I was, I have been told, bright, very polite and kind.
    I was introverted but still very intuitive about people.
    I think, as a young child, I was at least okay, and often glad.

    I didn't have many friends. I had one best friend, I knew him my entire life.
    Other friends I had were more like buddies or acquaintances.

    At the age of about 7 I was sexually assaulted by a "buddy" of mine twice my age. Not much physical damage was done, but I was so confused I hardly knew who I was anymore. My grip on reality was weak at this point.

    At this time, me and my best friend were both in school and we took turns in calling each other about once a week to play.

    In my confusion, I slept with my second best friend. First of all, I lost him as a friend. Second, we were exposed by my mother, as I was bleeding from my anus. The shame I felt was greater than I had ever felt. I still remember the time on that sofa, sitting and watching what normality I had in my life disappear before my eyes.
    That was the first and only time I genuinely considered suicide. I was about 9 years old at this time.

    My relationship with my mom was damaged by this. Definitely not destroyed, but damaged. I started feeling that I couldn't be open with her. In fact, I started feeling I didn't want to open up to anyone ever again.
    She dragged me to therapy and I hated it.

    After all of this, my attitude to life was "fuck it". I wanted to see if there was anything left to live for in the world, to make sure that I wasn't throwing away something that might, after all, be worth it in the end.
    The cold, calculating attitude to my own life I had still gives me the chills to this day.
    I started hanging out with the wrong group of people, all because I thought that might be fun, although I did guess it would not be truly rewarding. I used my intuition with people and became "friends" with them.

    My last life line, quite literally, was my best friend. He was the last thing in my old, normal life that seemed to me to be always there.
    And then I started noticing something. We weren't really calling every other week anymore, I called 2/3 times. Then he called even less. In the end, I tried not calling for a month, then half a year, I gave in to my loneliness and called, we hung out, then I didn't call him for a long time again. He had stopped calling me.

    My mother always told me she loved me every day. And still I felt so unwanted. The only people excect for her basically who wanted anything to do with me were people I had to pretend to be someone completely different to for them to like me. My best friend , the one person I felt kept me on the ground as much as I could be while at the same time suffering from gender dysphoria, had simply lost interest in me. It hurt so much that he meant so much to me while I meant so little to him.

    Time went by, my school results got a lot worse, I still hanged out with my new "friend" group, forming some bonds with some of them, though never strong or honest ones.
    At this time, my heart was a solid lump of ice hidden behind a brick wall.

    When I was 11½ years old, something happened that thawed my heart a lot. My sister was born. She is now the one I value above everything else.

    Fast forward, I break up with my friend group slowly but surely.
    I go to high school and a new school, meeting an open-minded, nice class. I make several new friends, one of which is now my best friend.
    My heart is thawed a little bit more.
    I mentally experiment with gender and discover what my innate gender is. I'm steamrollered by the realization and start falling into a depression. I'm out of school and unemployed, worrying about finances and having very little contact with people (this is right now).

    I had to face the possible prospect of being abandoned by a friend again some time ago. I have not been so low in a very long time.
    It made me realize how frail I am.

    It also made me realize that I need to face my problems of anxiety, being antisocial, my mood swings, and most of all, my apathy, the wall shielding my heart.
    That would be the only thing that could help me make friends.

    I am very lonely. Not because I'm trans, not because I like certain people, but because life has left me emotionally crippled. I have a gaping hole in my heart and I only want a friend to be able to fill it.

    I know razing my wall will hurt. I will cry, perhaps I'll try to hurt myself again (can't do it anway).
    But I have a good decade of pent-up loneliness, fear and anxiety in here. Plus gender dysphoria, which is almost two decades.
    Even if I'll just bleed and still won't make any friends I prefer that, though. I am so anguished by my own lack of emotion. The lack of pain hurts, if that makes sense.

    Hopefully, in time, someone will like me.

    Thanks a lot for reading if you've gotten this far.
     
    #1 Invidia, Jun 21, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2015
  2. Eveline

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    You are so brave to have made such a huge step.

    I'm sure you know that you are not alone in your struggles and I'm here for you if you need me. I'm also pretty much alone outside of my family, It's so hard to make lasting friendships when you feel so distant and disconnected. Therapy should help you cope with the lingering effects of the early life trauma and transitioning will help you open to the world. Find hope in these thoughts and stay strong... you have friends here and I can tell you at least one thing, I definitely like you and care for you! (*hug*)
     
  3. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Thanks a lot, Yaeli, I really appreciate your words!
     
  4. Florestan

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    There are some people who shut themselves off from everyone without even realizing it. But sometimes there are people who do it because it's the only way to protect themselves. When it's finally safe to open up again, it's scary and painful. You didn't want to be cut off, and you didn't deserve it.

    Finding joy again isn't easy. I went through eight years of my life feeling, at best, superficial pleasure. I reached the breaking point three years ago after a difficult breakup. It happened because I was pretending to be someone I wasn't, and when I was called out on it I spiraled out of control. Repressed sexual fantasies, bad Calvinist theology, and severe depression worked together to fill me with near constant suicidal thoughts.

    I'm still scarred by the thoughts that went through my head during that time. I still have moments when I go back to those thoughts. But the pain does heal. It may sting, but it will lose its strength. This may sound sappy, but I think you have the power to do great things. (*hug*)
     
  5. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    I guess I shut myself away both without realizing it, or least without realizing the consequences that would come with it, and to protect myself.

    It is scary. It's terrifying. I'm taking it a bit at a time, which is how I do things. I've been crying a lot. Yesterday I cried for hours until I fell asleep. Woke up sad, too, sleep didn't make me less sad. Still sad.
    It's like you consciously open up a spurting wound in your heart where you see an opening behind the wall. And simultaneously attacking the wall with a sledgehammer that shakes your foundations.

    I also went through roughly the same amount of time feeling at best superficial pleasure. It sucked. I felt so unreal.
    Or well, except for being with my sister, that is.

    The pain does sting. More than stings.
    I'm not suicidal, but suicide did cross my mind yesterday. I felt like no one would miss me. But then I remembered my sister, my mother, my grandma and my best friend. And I knew that no quick relief or escape route is worth their pain in reverse.


    Thanks, Florestan.

    hugs
     
  6. lone

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    You are so brave. I have lived with my insecurities my whole life. I was also molested as a when i was younger by two of my cousins when i was young it left me so confused. I have always felt alone, but to this day i have yet to share this with anyone around me i went to therapy but could not be honest with the man i knew everything i said he was reporting to my mum. I could not trust him, you atleast are openning up about it. I still carry this secret. Well atleast I shared it with someone.
     
  7. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Thanks a lot, lone.

    It's so painful, because I know I could go to all the therapy in the world and become the mentally healthiest person who ever lived, I could save the world three times over and fulfill my dreams, that still would do nothing to fill the hole in my heart. There's only one thing that can, friends, and I feel so lonely...
     
  8. warthog

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    I can totally sympathise, and we share many aspects. making friends is very hard for me, and getting back in the comfort of my shell and talking to furniture is how i deal with problems. I hope you find that one special friend that gets it.
     
  9. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    I wish that for you too, warthog!

    x