Lately I've been feeling numb to everything, I don't want to sleep or eat. I just want to leave already. Nobody cares about me it's a fact of life and I'm okay with that, even if people did care I would still want to die. I have no idea what to do. I have the pills, Prozac ready for shots, but I have no courage. Help me find something to let me do it I'm so sick of being here, don't give me cruddy advice on how "It will all change" N.O it won't ever. I am born to fail. I have mental problems, can't talk to people, my family is abusive and my mom is dying slowly so fuck that. I'm an incompetent shit with nothing good to my name so help please.
I looked back at your posting history and I was filled with sadness that you reached out 5 months ago and received replies that didn't help you cope at the time. What makes the whole situation more frustrating is that the reply that hurt you most was nothing but an introspective post by someone who was trying to identify with you and saw your experience as their own. After your last reply the poster that wrote the insensitive remark wrote: "I wasn't talking about any of you being passive aggressive your a cool cat...i was talking about my family at home" This is a support forum and many here are going through similar situations as yourself, your life is obviously unique but depression is common and devastating. Depression skews your perspective, making everything darker than it really is, it gives you a feeling of unrelenting hopelessness that makes you numb and you just stop caring. I know the feeling so well, just two hours ago I was lying in bed and feeling the same numbness, the same hopelessness and same desire to just end it. Like you, I have no real fear of death, however, deep down I know that I am here for a reason and I'm holding myself back from moving forward and becoming the person I'm meant to be. I want to help people, make the world a better place and save others from the same suffering that I've been through. A child somewhere, is struggling with the same issues that you did years ago, of abuse and a feeling of rejection by those that are supposed to love you. You have the power to help her if you find in yourself the strength to survive and not let others dictate the course of your life. Suicide, is nothing more than giving in to your abusers, letting them control you until the very end. You are not alone here, write down your story and unburden yourself of the pain and loss. People here will listen and they really do care. We are all here together in this world and we are all connected to each other through the words we share here. Much love and all the hugs in the world, (*hug*) Yael
Do you ever feel empty and that life just keeps throwing banana peels in front of your feet? Well I do, too. If you ever want to just spill your guts on my wall, I'll listen to every word... hugs
As someone who ticks most of these boxes, and someone who regularly feels depressed and numb and empty, I feel that I am able to tell you that life does pick up eventually, and people care and want the best for you, even if you can't see it. For the meantime, find something that helps you hold on and want to breather the air of a new day, for it will brighten up and it will get better. I would recommend speaking to someone about it, whether it be a counsellor, parent, teacher, whoever. Because depression is very dangerous if fought alone.
I'm fine just afew messed up things at a time, I failed math with a great 0%, I can't talk to my psychologist about suicide she'll tell my parents which will get me yelled at and she might call some psych ward to check me up. I don't have friends, no teachers since it's summer and I haven't had the best course with adults/social workers/teachers, most will tell anybody they can until yer' in deeper problems. Nobody wants to listen anyway. This is the 1 thing I can tell you, I have online friends none of them will care, unless I somehow bring a joke up there. I'm pretty sure nobody here will care enough either. I just want courage, please, this really sucks it's like I'm living the same agonizing day over and over again and the only way to stop it is this. I just need help, I've checked some sites for how much prozac I need to die. I just need the guts to go through with it. I know nobody will care if I go, this is not a problem since I'm not dying for anybody I'm dying for me and the fact I'm sick of everything. My household has gotten louder and my dad has gotten shittier. He does hit us sometimes and he hit my mom once too, when we were young she would run away from home for a day or two before having no money and feeling bad for us. I'm sorry if this is a scary post for anybody, the empty closets crew can delete it after it's done, I'm done.
Lets say you find the strength to survive for the next few years. When you are 18 you leave home, find a job or go to college. Who would you want to be? Imagine that there are no limitations that you can become anyone... The objective of this question is to give you something to strive for, what's your dream? For 15 years I was trapped and alone. However, I had an inner drive to grow as a person and develop. I was constantly trying new things and redefining my future depending on what I've been learning. I have survived and despite everything that I've been through I've become a person that I'm proud to be. Think about it... you have all the time in the world under your disposal, find pride and hope in the idea that you are becoming a better person despite everything that stands in your way. Even in writing here today you took you a big step forward as you improved on your ability to write and opened up to others, improving your social skills. Think of it in context of a role playing game, every time that you complete a task you gain experience and over time you become stronger and more capable of coping with the obstacles that lie in your way. The darkness is an enemy that only you can defeat, all we can do is try to hold your hand and be there for you as you stand up bravely and face the challenges that stand before you. (*hug*) Yael
Have you ever been in a support group? Like a crisis centre support group? or Emotions Anonymous? How about volunteering with an animal shelter? Giving and receiving love is lifesaving and lifegiving. Your life is worth fighting for. I find meaning and purpose in my relationship with God and in connecting with and serving others. I don't suffer from depression, but I have known devastating loss in my life which resulted in every breath and every step being painful for a stretch of time... that was like being in a pit of despair. I tried to make it through 5 minutes at a time. Eventually, I made it through the hour, the day, the month, the year. I survived. You can too. There is only one you in the whole wide world, and no one can ever replace you. Don't give up!
