I recently had a realization that, for me, relationships work out best when they form organically/spontaneously. The best experiences I've had with people occurred when I was friends with the person and we naturally started flirting with each other. This then sometimes led to sexual activity and a close friendship with them. Although the latter closely resembled an "official" relationship, the other person and I never felt the need to declare it as such. In contrast, whenever I've had any kind of experience where the relationship or the "plans" for a relationship start early on (i.e. going on dates, "we like each other, but let's take it slow", etc.), the relationship is usually doomed. I think this is because it sets up an artificial situation where a romantic air is already predetermined and I start to believe I feel things that I actually don't. I start to get confused about my feelings. Skip to this part if you want: Because of this, I look more for friendships than relationships. But a lot of people (that I barely know) will just come right out and ask me on a date or come on strongly in some other way. How do I let these people down while simultaneously starting a friendship? Also, feel free to share any similar experiences or advice regarding this.
I've never been asked out on a date by someone who wasn't a friend and all my previous relationships began organically so take this with a grain of salt. You could say something to the effect of "I'm not looking to date right now but I'd like hang out as friends" or "I'd like to be friends first and see where it goes." A lot of people might be turned off by this but then are those really the kinds of people you want to be with?
You have a point. And those sound like good responses. Thanks. =] I just hope they respect my wishes!
I personally like being friends with the person first. You know their flaws, their history with other people, and their interests. So, I think it forms a more stable relationship than when you don't know anything about the person. I personally prefer to develop trust before going into a relationship. I've only had thirteen years haha, and I'm too unpopular to be "asked out" at school, but yeah, I doubt that i would say yes in a situation if I was. I've seen many relationships that broke up in two weeks. But that's also because it's middle school, lol.
You're so young but so wise. That's pretty awesome. =] I went through high school having a bunch of meaningless two week relationships myself. loll I wish I had your insight back then. But yeah you're definitely right about being friends first. It kind of gives you a preview of what your relationship with them might be like.
I agree with you for the most part but I've never wanted to have sex without love anyway. I'm not religious and never followed any particular moral code, I just always wanted to feel something for the guy I had sex with so the experience would be more meaningful. Anyway, I know I made some of my dates feel "ripped off" by avoiding sex and they sometimes where not shy about telling me so, but I didn't feel I was leading them on, even when I was the one to ask them out. If they felt cheated that was their problem was my thinking. I did develop a reputation as someone who didn't put out but it didn't seem to slow me down. In fact I suspect it may have made me even more desirable. I think you are right that the lack of spontaneity is detracting from your dating experiences but at the same time you shouldn't feel the need to define your relationship as a friendship just to make the spontaneous experience more meaningful later on. I think it's fine to go ahead and put sex on trial right up front and let your dating partner know you plan on letting love takes its course. It's basically the same thing but a bit more titillating I think.
I can see where you are coming from with this but I have another perspective on the matter. I was sexually abused when I was a teenager. My experiences have left me very aware of personal boundaries or a lack of them. In order to be comfortable acting on my feelings it is *vital* that I know where people are coming from and what they want. Verbal consent is essential in order for me to be comfortable with physical intimacy. It is true that an organically forming relationship where things just happen can be amazing. It can also be incredibly painful because of all the communication issues that can arise. If people do not discuss what they want it can lead to major heartbreak and turmoil. I for one would prefer people to tell me very clearly what they want and not play games.
In my opinion friendships can be the next closest thing to a relationship.You learn about their positives and negatives. You learn kinda what makes them tick. It also helps them learn about you and your personality. It gives you time to trust them and them to trust you before ever getting into a romantic relationship. This way you don't have to build trust along the way its already there before the relationship ever begins. I just ended basically a 2 week relationship because I was confused about my feelings. I completely agree with you that its better for it to happen organically. But I am only 15 I still do have a lot to learn.
