My mum, my dear mother, dropped me off at a LGTBU group today. It was all very last minute, and I was really nervous - anxiety tend to get the best of me. I was there for 3 1/2 hard, draining hours. The other new kids seemed to fit in just fine, and I really wanted to be able to do the same, but my wheelchair held me back. I'm socially crippled as well as physically. Everyone was awkward around me, that was apparent, and the only conversation I had was with one of the staff, Mave, who was really nice. But I still felt like in a place where people are 'different' and don't usually fit in... I still was left on my own. MY 'different' is one they're not used to. I can't eat because of my disability, and I was left on my own at dinnertime. I just wanted to cry. I know I'll have to stick with it, but oh, I just feel so sick of it all...
With time people will get used to your presence there. In time your different will become their everyday. Humans are remarkably adaptable and resilient.
You have to take care to not to loose sight of your beauty and of what role you might play in making the world a better place. Your presence anywhere makes things better. A little easier for everyone involved. Your wheelchair is not a handicap. It doesn't prevent you from getting around, attending events like this, that you need to be at BTW. Likewise your social awkwardness is not a handicap either. You just need to learn to get around in your own skin. First, don't be so hard on yourself. Lots of us don't lean social graces when we are teenagers, myself included. Fortunately it's never too late to learn. You ever hear of those awkward teenage blues? Well, that's basically what you are experiencing (it's actually not a teenage thing, it's just that most people go through it in their teens). You don't actually "get over" or grow out of teenage blues as much as you lean a few tricks to get buy in social situations. That's what being social is all about. You can do it if you just keep trying. People turned away from you not only because they felt awkward speaking to someone in a wheelchair but also because they sensed you felt awkward too and they didn't know how to deal with that. You can help them out and make them feel more comfortable being around anyone in a wheelchair if you lean to be social. So, allow yourself to make mistakes, like the ones you made at your fist meeting. Keep trying and you will improve. Socializing is a skill and an it requires practice to get good at it. So go back to the LGTBU group as often as you can and practice, practice, practice, socializing with people. Accost them if necessary. Don't feel guilty about making a fool of yourself, it's to be expected while you are leaning a skill. Just remember, you are no less beautiful then they are no matter how awkward the situation becomes. You are just different, as you say. Make that difference make a difference. Make that your mission in life.
