Sorry about the title but I just don't really know how else to describe this. I have a few things to talk about so here goes. I don't really have too much hope for the future when it comes to sexuality and relationships. Being gay has honestly been the worst thing for me. I didn't fall for girls throughout my whole high school and college experience which made dating hard. I was too scared to visit the GSA anywhere for fear of being seen and humiliated more than I already was. I had no friend beside me to talk to, or even those scenarios where they happen to be gay to. I had to sit from afar and watch the people I had crushes on. The only time I can meet people is online, and the few who actually bothered to talk and date me a dumped because I could not believe anyone could like me. Since then it's just been a bunch of people who ditch me for not being attractive, and a bunch of anonymous sex that kills me a little more inside each time. I give up hope that sex means anything more than a mechanical process that is simply there for pleasure, being touched makes me feel dirty and wrong. Not to mention that kissing a guy feels both right and wrong at the same time. Some extremely bare thread is holding onto the idea that somehow it gets better, but the Trevor project is a lie. It doesn't get better, it's just a downward spiral. Lets not forget the problems having Aspergers adds to all of this. There's a reason I leave that out when I meet people.
You're beginning to make sense of the situation. I can see some progress. I suggest wearing a pair of sunglasses and a scarf to cover your face if you're feeling unconformable visiting the GSA. But, logically, you have little to lose anyway. Have you tried revisiting the GSA? In time like these, sex is merely a tool for you. It can only grant you temporary gratification which is not what you are truly looking for. You needn't have sex. I assume you've contacted the Trevor Project. What did they say? Do keep writing.
No I'm not, I have gotten absolutely nowhere in regards to this. How do I fix what has otherwise been a blight upon my existence and given me some of the worst memories ever. Sex being broken down to nothing at all, being made to feel my body is crap, and not to mention having guys not look twice at me for being unattractive if not the aspergers bit. How on earth do people enjoy this plague? It doesn't get better in life? All you learn is how bad the community really is. Those people at It Gets Better are delusional, they don't know the real problem is the community and not those outside it. I'm beginning to think than men were not meant to love men, that such a thing is an aberration.
The 'community' does have its own issues. However, let's forget about the community for a moment, the focus is on you. Being gay certainly adds a layer of difficulty to life. Say, if you were straight, do you honestly believe that girls would look twice at you? In fact, do girls look twice at you? People judge other people based on looks all the time. It's natural. If you want to have changes, start small. Before that, ask yourself what is it that you really want out of life. To be more attractive? To have a loving boyfriend? Be honest with yourself. And I reiterate, you needn't have sex to have a fulfilling life. Sex also need not be meaningful in some kind of spiritual ways, it can be just fun. As usual, I encourage you to write more about yourself and your upbringings. This may help us to provide better support.
