So I'm starting to feel like I'm on the verge of doing something drastic. There's no specific reason, and this has been getting progressively worse over the last few months. I'm just really tired of everything. What do I do?
I intentionally made it a euphemism because I feel like saying "I feel suicidal" is too harsh and to the point. It's a grim subject and I feel awkward talking about it, but seeing as we're already here, might as well.
Well I've been pretty depressed the past 2-3 years. Just always feeling down, always feeling crap. It had a pretty bad effect on my higher education, as I was kicked out of high school prior to my final year for bad attendance. The same then happened in my first year of college - Failed the year because I'd given up trying. Anyway, I finally decided to go and see my doctor about it last November, and I was put on Prozac (fluoxetine hydrochloride) to help me deal with my depression. It helped, but only for so long. After a while (about 6 weeks after they kicked in) I was back to feeling my crappy self again, so I came off them. Not long after I came off them did I start feeling worse than when I began taking them. I've felt this way ever since, with the exception of a few good spells here and there. Then there's the story of my best friend (is also a guy) who I fell horribly in love with back in January, only to have the piano slammed on my fingers. This was a result of getting close to him. Too close to him. We were both drunk one night, he was curious, I was gay... You get the picture. So not only did I get close to someone who didn't love be back, I also discovered that I can't really get close to a guy without having immense feelings of regret and guilt. Don't get me wrong, I myself for being who I am - I don't see anything wrong with being gay. My gut instincts, however... They like to make me know it. This has had an adverse effect on dating and socializing in general. I closed my dating profiles, and now I'm not too keen on going to parties (not that I ever was, I'm a complete introvert). Then comes finances. I'm still living at home, and aside from the £1,500 debt I'm already in (getting the boot from college), my mother and her husband are putting me under a lot of pressure to find a job. We're not the wealthiest or best-off people around, but we get by. I understand their frustration with my 0 income, and I'm trying, although maybe not my hardest, to find a job and please them. They've looked after me for almost 19 years, it's only fair that I return the favor. I've been having issues with friends too, lately. Drifting from some, falling out with others, and keeping those around that I aught to have thrown away ages ago. I had one friend cut me out of his life for almost two and half months only to start talking to me again one day as if nothing had happened - As if I hadn't sent him about 200 concerned messages. I realized how much of an asshole after that, but I still talk to him. I'm too kind to push him away, and it's cutting me up being the pushover I am. ...there's more, but I don't think it's as important as the above, so I'll save you a longer read for now.
Hi there! I'm sorry to hear that your depression had an effect on your education and has taken you off the path on which you were hoping to be on. (*hug*) What did your doctor recommend after you came off the medication? Have you had a chance to ask for a referral to someone who could help you to work through the underlying causes? Are you still speaking with your friend? It sounds like that the both of you let yourself get into something where the end result wasn't the best one, for the both of you. Don't let that one event though become a barrier to finding someone with whom it could work out. What happened, happened and you can't change it but what you can do is learn from it and make sure that something like this doesn't happen again. The benefit of hindsight is that you can recognise where things went wrong, and now you can place some boundaries in place that will help to prevent something like to happen again. I would encourage you not to close yourself off. Parties are perhaps not the best place to find someone or indeed hit it off meaningfully with someone. Have you tried joining some social or support groups in your area? Finding a job, and keeping a job, isn't easy and it can become even harder if there are other factors hovering in the background - as you might have discovered. Do you feel that you are job ready, meaning, do you feel ready to get up every morning, go to work and work your shift or hours that you are required to work? Now, depending how you feel about finding work, one thing you could try to help yourself in your job search, and if you haven't had a chance to do so yet, is trying to get an appointment with an employment counsellor, someone who can help you in your job search, and perhaps even refer you to an employer. Are you visiting your local Employment Resource Centre or Job Centre on a regular basis? If this has such a weight on you, and you feel you don't want to be a pushover, why not just say to your friend that this is not working out for you, and you need a break.
