I apologize for any spelling problems but it is 7 am and I just wanted to type this out before I go to bed. I am 15 and male in advanced in case I don't mention that. This is basically a small summary of my life. This was more for me if anything but I would be glad to maybe find help here. I just realized how much I wrote and I am sorry for that. I just thought it would be helpful for me to walk through my life and even get opinions on just me because theres something not right. Theres a reason I am not happy and I just want to find it. - Basically I know im gay now. Which is all fine but I think this is what developed a lot of the problems I have. So for one I remember being a happy kid from what I can remember. I barely remember anything but I do know I was a happy kid. I use to do shit with other boys if you catch my drift when I was like 6 maybe. Then as I got older say 2nd grade I hung out with these other boys who I really liked not sexuall because I was like "12?" but I really liked them (accually it was in a sexuall way but not like when your older)... Then I started growing my hair out and I live in the south so its not normal for a boy to have long hair like a girls so I was made fun of a lot, even by the adults. I use to get called a girl on accident by lots of people. Everyone wanted me to cut it but I wouldnt because I didnt want to do what they wanted. In 4th grade I didnt really have any friends but I wasnt alone either. I hung out with people but they never talked to me and treated me like a pest most of the time. They also thought I was like retarded because I use to day dream in class all the time and the teacher use to yell at me and shit and even said I had ADHD.... I just didnt wanna be there and that was all, I was daydreaming about being home alone away from all of that. Then in 5th grade I started hanging out with the popular girls thanks to my still best friend who made things a lot better for me. Things were getting better, but I still never really spoke to anyone because everyones stupid in middleschool... Then 6th grade I got switched to another class so new friends and shit... These kids were the ones who thought drugs and shit was cool and cut themselves and show there friends. So I started pretending to do what they claimed they did and also started cutting which turned into a thing that a did when I felt hurt.. Guess you could say I would hurt myself rather then let people be the ones to hurt me. Then in 7th grade I went back to my old class and all was well back hanging out with the popular girls and shit. Guess you could say I was really gay but had no idea I was gay even though I was starting to watch gay porn and lots of weird shit. I would read like erotic father son shit and was into the idea of older guys being with younger guys. Which hurt me a lot, I felt like what I was thinking was sick (still do). I thought young boys (I mean young) should please older men sexually and basically be there sex toys. I had the desire to pretty much be raped by older men. I also found myself attracted to some (very few) boys in school. Still didnt think I was gay idek how... But anyways I tried to find an attraction towards girls but it wasnt there. But I mean all was still good in school. I had friends. Basically the same thing in eighth except I almost got fucked by my principle I think. I got caught staring at his bulge and he grinned at me and winked, then winked at me again moments later. School was over 2 days later so nothing happened. Now its 9th grade and its turned into me (hope shit doesnt happen) watching cp. I am not into the kids though. Just the men getting pleasure from them. I am also into men raping the boys. I also still want to be raped basically and please an older man. I hate myself for it. Everytime I finish I will shake my head in shame and sometimes cry and harm myself. I hate it. I also developep almost like another voice in my head that tells me to hurt myself when im sad and tells me not to eat. Sometimes I feel evil, I want to kill people, I hate them. I want to look into someones eyes as I end there life. I watch lots and lots of gore and just love watching the people suffer. I love the idea of them knowing there about to die and the fear on there face. But then sometimes I go back to what I refer to as myself and I hate it. It makes me sad that these people died or killed themself. I just wish I could of helped them and showed that someone cared. I am about to cry writing this... I am just so deppressed now and feel so broken. All I think about is ending it. It seems like nothing is gonna get better and im just holding on by that one thread. I have isolated myself and I dont wanna leave my room. I have ditched all my friends and just found online friends. I dont know whats wrong wrong with me or why I have so much trouble remembering. I realize I am gay now and I am happier I think but I still feel completely broken. I came out to my best friend and feel better. But I a still not happy. I tried leaving my room and going out with "friends" to only find I was being used which really hurt me, I was being nothing but nice to them becuse I know what its like to feel broken and never want anyone to feel this way. I am trying to be happy because I dont wanna end it but this evil person inside me is coming out more and more and its slowly desroying me. I cant live like this and I am trying so fucking hard to change it but I just cant take it. I want to die, I want it to end. I am on my last thread and once it breaks I dont know what I will do, I guess I will just end it... I am doing everything I can to find happiness but it seems like the harder I try the deeper I fall. I just dont care anymore. I hurt mentally and phyically. I have lost all my muscle and my body just aches with pain now. I am pale af and look sick. I just want to be happy. I want to be normal. I am going to cut my hair soon and hopefully that will help me feel a bit better about myself. I just dont know anymore. I also dont feel like I am in the correct body. I feel like I have taken over someone else and this is not me. Looking in a mirror frightens me as I KNOW that that is not me. Its almost like theres 3 of us in here and I am the most in control. I find it very hard to be myself. I feel like since I am starting to come out as gay more of me is coming out. Its like I hid away in my head my entire life and I made a fake persona to live my life to feel normal. But now as I am feeling more comfortable with myself and coming out of my head this evil person is coming out with me. I just want to be happy, just to be like everyone else. Why must I be the broken one with all these problems? I also have a lot of medical issues and just had surgery which is making me question "why me" even more... I also probably could of mentioned im into bestiality. I am trying to fix myself, I hope I succeed because I really would like to live like everyone else. But I am not going to live my life like I am now. I feel like I am going in cirlces but I find it hard to be myself and even just talk about it because I dont understand everything that wrong with me either. But I feel like just being honest about myself to others will help me a lot. I would love to come out to my family but they would 100% not accept it.
I'm not a qualified professional, so first of all I think you should try to get a therapist, that is if your parents allow it. Suicidal thoughts and self harm are very serious, and you can't just ignore it because you are worth more than that. They can also help with whatever other psychological problems you are experiencing. These repressed emotions because of being in the closet and so not being able to be 100% of you can be very damaging. Secondly, I have also been in that kind of state. I put distance between everyone and ended up changing into someone else. Stop putting up walls when dealing with other people. I don't know how your friends "used" you but social interaction with good people can definitely affect how happy you are. Also, find some hobby that could take your mind off of things, whether it be a sport, drawing, writing, singing, etc. I know that this advice is pretty cookie cutter but there IS a reason for that. And remember that everyone here at EC is full of support (*hug*)
I admire your ability to express what you are going through, I would never have been able to write it down when I was your age. Sorting all this out is an almost impossible task. You can't apply a "fix" to the cutting or the father/son fantasy because there is a lot more to it than just those thoughts. The thoughts are an expression of many underlying issues. But what you can do is select the good things about you and find a way to move forward with them. It's called cognitive therapy or CT. I spent months in CT after my attempted suicide and it has helped me tremendously. I'm not "fixed" but I don't feel broken anymore either. It's almost like I've made an agreement with myself to be a better person. The bad person is still inside me but it's the good person I put forward and work with. I can't get rid of the bad behavior or bad thoughts but I can deflect them or control when I have them and that has made my life manageable. I won't lie to you, it takes a lot of effort and training and for it to work you have to be very motivated. You've already admitted to yourself you have a problem and that is a HUGE step, but honestly there is no way you can defeat this on your own. Don't continue to suffer needlessly. Get help now. If you don't, it will get worse and I'm sorry to say, it will probably be the end of you.
I have tried to get help but my parents just say its because I wont leave my room or do sports blah blah blah. I don't think I could bring myself to tell them though in full details of what exactly is effecting me. I mean how do you tell southern christian parents your gay, and then all the other stuff I wrote with older hairy men with young boys... My mom still thinks blacks should stay separated so I mean I could only imagine the reaction when she finds out im gay. Especially all the other shit. She wont even have my older sisters black boyfriend around... It also took her forever to just accept it or shall I say deal with it. This is the reason I moved to just finding friends online because I don't like the lifestyle I am in. I can relate to them better and they help me more then anyone irl could. I just want to be happy but it is starting to look like as long as im here I will never be able to find it.
I'm a son of the south as well and even though I reject a lot of the southern ideals I also realize being a southerner is not all bad. Anyway, it's a waste of time to blame them for my problems. Being 15 was one of the worst periods of my life. Things got better when I turned 17. I'm not sure why, maybe I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I tried to run away from my problems after that and did okay but as I approached my late 20's I began to break down again. By the time I turned 31 I had reached the end. By some miracle my suicide was unsuccessful and I got a second chance. So hang in there, the road ahead of you is a long one. You should easily be able to wait until you are on your own if that is your only option but don't put off getting help any longer than you have to. Definitely don't run from it like I did. I hope your online friends can continue to be of help to you. I include myself among them.
I have been thinking and I think the problem is my relationship with my dad and never being able to please him. Ever since I was little I have always annoyed him because I have never been what the definition of a boy is assumed to be. I always liked girly shit and played with like littlest pet shop. So this is possibly the reason why the split in my head has the need to please father type older men and also has a deep unnecessary hatred for my father. Since "he" could not please "his" father he developed a strong hatred towards him rather then feeling like a bad son. This also explains why he is coming out more since I am starting to come out more as myself and coming out to more people as gay. I know this will disappoint my father and I feel like he (my split) just wants to protect me but he does not realize he is actually hurting me. So now in order to heal I think I need to work on fixing this other person in my heads problems. I just don't really know where to start right now.
