My mom and I live with my grandma and her husband and our aunt/her sister. My grandma is financially helping us, and giving me a place to stay while I get some things in order. She's helped us all throughout my life and of course I feel like I owe her. I will never feel like I don't. The house gets so stressful. Her husband is a dick, my aunt (is independent but) needs enough help with things (she can't live alone), I feel like I've been a complete ass no matter how hard I try not to be, mom is constantly crying all the time, everyone is always complaining, I have an overbearing urge to come out but can't, managers at work are being assholes to everyone, I feel like I'm losing my best friend again. Our family has regular blowups what seems to be every week, give or take. This last period, my mom was driving all of us back home and, for reasons i can't remember, my grandma was already pissed off about something. My mom is driving and a guy on a motorcycle pulls out in front of us, so we swerve and avoid it, biker dude waves sorry and that was the end of that. Grandma and husband have been a total dick to my mom and doing small shit like pointing out the speed limit from the back seat. She said she was going 10 over the speed limit in a nasty tone, which I get really sick of, so I got snippy back and corrected her. She didn't like that. everyones annoyed at this point. we finally get home and shit goes off again. Now she's yelling about how she doesn't like the way we talk to her. Keep in mind, were nice to her most of the time. except for when someone starts attacking another. By the end of everything, moms being told that she doesn't do anything, and that the fact that she stays up later and sleeps later, is wrong. My grandma likes to control people, and it's obvious to anyone that lives with her. My mom doesn't have any friends at this point, she's helping take care of chores that these older folks can't do so well anymore (drive, sort meds, cook dinner) and that takes up all of her time. she constantly has to be around. she's not allowed to work because she's waiting on disability or something. I feel so ugly. Every time I look in the mirror, I hate what I see. I've honestly been really hating my male body. I feel stupid when I do anything. I'm so self-conscious, it's tearing me apart. I guess my point is that there's so much stress in the house, we can't go five minutes without somebody freaking out, or crying, or something. Everyones emotions are through the roof (except for husband's). I'm still trying to get over my last relationship and how that ended, I have to continue to slowly accept the fact that I'm gay and now I'm having overwhelming dysphoria, lasting longer and more intense than the last fit, of seeing myself as a woman instead. I'm at least gender fluid or something along that line, of which is just more new shit to have to deal with. I've always felt trapped, especially by my family, when it comes to how I want to look and act. My grandma paid me 100 dollars to take my piercings out (and keep them out), which I love, so that I could have money to pay for my last girlfriend on our trip to seattle. She told me that was all I was getting for the trip since she knew I was out of money, so I took it. What choice did I have? She trapped me in a corner and she knew what she was doing (she did it to my brother over a decade ago with his tongue ring.) With it being tense in the house, my grandma hasnt really spoken to mom or i in about 2 days. And of course I go to work last night, and I'm having a better night, only to get a call on my way telling me that grandma is freaking out and is mad that I'm not home for her appointment yet. She told my aunt at the table at dinner that she had an appointment and needed to leave at 9:40. Grandma looked at me and said that I needed to leave from work and get home so they could leave on time. I get off work at 7am. I had plenty of time. Apparently, I should've been home before because the appointment was at 9:40 and they wanted to leave at 9. Needless to say, I feel like complete and utter shit right now. I feel like this every day and just when I'm having a good day and even think to myself that I could be feeling happy again, nope. I need to leave. I need to get my own place. I feeling like I'm closer and closer to having a serious break down every day and I feel so anxious right now but I can't even register the rest of these emotions. I want to cry so bad. I feel like I can't properly express the way I'm feeling. I can't even talk about how I'm feeling half the time or more. My anxiety level has been through the roof the last two years or longer. I can't remember. Im so overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. I'm going to spend some time today looking for an apartment or studio or something. I'll make a list of things I need to buy myself so that I don't need any help from family. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I want to be my own person. I want to feel like I'm living for myself, and i never have. I hate this dark place I live in.
ToneDef, I would first like to say that I am so so sorry that you're going through all of this and are so unhappy. Secondly, I can relate somewhat. My family (Mom, sister, and I) had to go live with my grandma for a year. She never yelled at us but she was horrifically passive aggressive and controlling. She was mentally and emotionally very abusive. She was also super religious in a warped "Jesus freak" kind of way and was always using the Bible to tell us how shitty we were. It was either live with my grandma or be homeless. So we sucked it up. But let me tell you, that was one of the worst years of my whole life. One thing that helped me was driving to an abandon parking lot and crying my eyes out and screaming and doing whatever else I had to do to get all my emotions out. I did this more and more as things got worse. It did help. So maybe that's something you can do to get it all out. I think finding your own place is the best thing you can do. I know when my family and I left my grandmas house we drove across the country (MT to FL) to live in this little run down shack of a place. When we got there is was filthy and smelled bad and was tiny but it was away from my grandma and it was ours. That place might as well have been a castle filled with diamonds to us. We were finally independent again and back on our own feet. That was worth it's weight in gold to us. What I'm saying is that you should move out and into whatever you can afford right now. I'm telling you from experience, it won't matter what the place looks like or where it is. It's almost certainly going to be better than where you're living now. I think that once you take care of your mental and emotional well being that other things will start falling into place. It certainly did for us. I know you must feel like there is no hope and that you'll always be this unhappy like I did. Trust me, it gets better! Just get yourself away from those toxic people in your life and you WILL be happier. I wish you all the best. Please, take care of yourself. (*hug*) Aubrey
