At work today, I felt the pull of the closet like nothing else. All of a sudden, I felt this urge to deny everything I've worked hard at this last month, tell myself that I'm a fucking moron, this is all bullshit and I need to man up and pull myself together. Take off the stupid nail polish and act like a man my age should. It's so tempting. I've been so miserable for so, so very long, hell, what's a few more decades? In my mid forties, odds are there are fewer years ahead than behind. That hollowed out feeling inside is so familiar, why not stay? The crying and fighting take up so much energy, why fight? Inertia is the friend of the closet. If I'm not moving forward, then I feel I'm falling behind, and the doors of that closet stand agap and welcoming. It's not too late, haven't told my wife, parents or my boss/coworkers. Just some people online and my kids. But I don't want to feel hollow. I don't want to be stuck in this hell. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeding the male animal inside me, pretending to be something I'm not just because it's easier. Fuck you closet! I am woman, hear me roar! :icon_bigg God that felt very cathartic!
Good job telling that closet you are a woman. That is what you are. Earlier this year I did feel like I wanted to go back into the closet but I told myself that Going back into the closet won't help anything. Honestly I was thinking about doing it cause I was lonely and I felt the pull of the closet telling me be asexual and repress your feelings. I didn't listen to that voice cause I didn't want to pretend I was someone I wasn't. You are not alone honey, the lure of the closet can be very strong for anyone. But if it keeps going on you are doing the right thing, cause you deserve happiness and the way to get it is to embrace yourself, you are a woman and if you force yourself to be your biological gender, you won't be happy. Like I said earlier, you deserve happiness hon.
It almost got me again last night in the middle of the night after I came out to my wife. All these fears and insecurities prey on us after dark when we are tired and cannot sleep.
