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I have to pretend to be somebody else and it is killing me inside

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by CraikNakes, Jul 10, 2015.

  1. CraikNakes

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Eugene
    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, I came out to my parents a few months ago and it has been unbelievably difficult. My stepmom was born and raised in China for over 40 years and Chineese culture is very homophobic. My dad is accepting but he doesn't understand, he thinks being gay is a choice. He told me that I have to hide my homosexuality from my stepmom which is very difficult for me because I am pretty effeminate. So everyday I have to pretend to be someone else and I have become very depressed. I can't be myself in my own home and im very uncomfortable and very unhappy.

    What's worse is that we are going to China with my stepmom's family for a whole month. So I will have to pretend to be someone im not for an entire solid month with very little contact with any of my friends. What's really scary is that in Chineese culture, if there is a gay family member and anyone outside the family finds out, then anyone who knows the family will cut them off. No one will ever talk to them. So if im not careful I could responsible for ruining many peoples' lives. This trip is the single most stressful event of my life and I am freaking out. When im cooped up in my house for just a week I go to a really dark place and even almost try to hurt myself. Im afraid I might hurt myself or even kill myself on this trip.

    We are bringing my stepmom's mom back to America to live with us and my dad said she cannot find out that im gay.

    I told my dad how sucky my entire situation is and he just said things like, "I don't think it's a big deal" and "maybe you're not actually effeminate" or "you'll be so busy you won't even notice". I even told him im suicidal, but there is nothing anyone can do.

    Im 17 and have a year of highschool left and I have no idea how im going to make it through a whole year. As if the negativity from my stepmom wasn't enough, I have gotten to the point where I hate myself for being gay. Before I came out to my parents I finally loved and accepted myself but all this drama had made me start to hate myself again. I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay but no matter how hard I try I can't shake this self hatred. Im even starting to believe all the BS all these ignorant people say about it. I can't even go to my School's GSA meetings because I feel so guilty for being there. And I like to wear "women's" clothing sometimes and I wear panties every day which makes me happy but now im even starting to feel guilty about that. I have to be really careful about what I wear because my stepmom would flip out if she saw me wearing that stuff. and it's hard to avoid her seeing that stuff because my parents make me keep the door to my room open at all times. Doing laundry is the most anxiety inducing activity ever. And even though she knows im gay she flat out refuses to accept it. One time I showed her these really cute socks I got and she said they were too small and maybe I should give them to my girlfriend (im not and have never been in any sort of relatioship). It made me so upset. I have a couple of friends who are accepting and is great to spend time with them because they actually love me for who I am. But the whole time im just dreading having to go back home and flip the switch back to my genetic fake personality. I've been depressed almost all my life but it has been so terrible lately.

    I just don't know what to do. Please help me.
     
  2. Fentrion

    Regular Member

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    Hello. I'm sorry about the situation you're in.

    It does seem like you have to "hide" your homosexuality for awhile. But as far as I'm concerned, there are no right or wrong choices. Whatever happens in the future, I humbly advise that you love yourself. As for wearing "women's clothing", no one can conclusively decide which apparel belongs to which gender. All of that boils down to socially inherited bias. For the record, I would like to try some "women's apparel" too, but can't do that until I live in my own place.

    So I say again, love yourself. You have the capability to get through this, for otherwise you would not be in such a situation in the first place.

    If you want to get rid of anxiety, you can try binaural beats, meditation or exercise. Music or video games would be helpful as well, in addition to talking to your friends (online or offline).
     
    #2 Fentrion, Jul 10, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2015
  3. Feline

    Feline Guest

    As Fentrion has just said, first and foremost love yourself. Don't let their denial blind you of your own beauty, of the lovely being you are. Keep this love for yourself, you need it more than ever. And patience, a lot of patience... I also come from a homophobic culture (that is becoming more accepting as years go by, but my family won't show any signs of changing with it).

    Do you like art and perhaps theatre? Movies? The way that I cope with situations like that are imagining I'm in a theatre or in a movie, and I have to convince the audience of the character they want to see, I act for them, the way they want, and I imagine that they are paying me for it (with food, with a roof over my head, by taking me to trips to beautiful places). I try to think that all that is wrong with the family is just part of the play, I make it a game, it makes it a little more bearable. Daydream. Go to a quiet place where you can be with yourself, imagine yourself happy, imagine what you want for the future and fight for it, even if fighting now means being discreet and playing along for a while. In the mean time, if you can connect here or with your friends, you can be yourself in these safe spaces. :slight_smile: Also in the safety of your mind.

    Of course, you won't have to play this game forever. You could eventually move somewhere else, somewhere more accepting, once you're independent, and start your own life so you don't feel any guilt or fear about the family (or 'friends' of the family) to know. It's just a suggestion, there are other options, but this is what personally has been working for me.

    You got this! :slight_smile: Don't give up.
     
  4. Monraffe

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Strong-willed people are intense, complex and... wonderful. If there is one thing that defines them it is a need to be moving in a positive direction. If they don't have that they feel like they are dying. Two things are essential: to be shown respect and given a choice. Right now you have neither of them.

    So to keep you from going completely insane here you have to do some planning. As you say, your next year is basically shot so turn the lemons into lemonade and use the time to make plans for when you turn 18 a year from now. So it's not waiting a year it's planning for that year to come.

    Think about what you want your future life to be like and move in that direction. The most attractive effeminate guys have strong qualities so play that side of yourself up. Strength comes from knowledge and physical power. Use this time to do a lot of reading. Take the opportunity while in China to learn about the culture. Work out and build up your physical strength. This will be very useful to you in the future.