Okay, so this is the last support thread I'll make for a while. Anyway, here's the skinny on what's going on. My boyfriend's mom is pretty loopy. And by loopy I mean I never, ever want to take this woman around my family, much less in public. She's on disability and my boyfriend and I live with her because first off, she wants to keep her house and second, the cost of living in this city is pretty ridiculous. Not as bad as places like San Francisco, but still a little unrealistic for two students starting out. I should mention that my boyfriend and I both want to move in the near future (if things work out, hopefully before the end of the year) and are saving up to do so. My boyfriend's mom, or Susan as we'll call her (that's actually her name, but she'll never see this site), came off as a sweet woman when I first moved to California. But it seems like she became a different person as soon as she got used to having me around. Susan has a drinking problem. And because she's allegedly disabled (a back injury that doesn't stop her from sitting in extremely uncomfortable chairs, bending over, tending a garden, or even lifting anything), she's also on a slew of pain medication (which she took even before the back injury that put her on disability). I should also mention she's in her mid-50s and yet she has no teeth, we can barely trust her to drive, and she's always forgetting short-term memory things. Like she left a meal in the fridge for about three months. We left it alone to see if she would notice. I know the exact date it was put in the fridge because of what my boyfriend and I were doing that day. Three months. When my boyfriend finally got fed up and dumped it down the disposal, she complained that she had only put the left-over in the fridge "three days ago". She's also got a habit of stealing silverware from restaurants. And she's totally aware she's doing it. When we find out that an item was stolen, she'll usually smirk and say something along the lines of 'oh, I'm going to hell, aren't I?' Susan can also be a bit of a racist. She'll constantly make comments about black or Hispanic people- pretty rude comments about how "black people do this" (go on welfare, eat watermelons, etc- and other stereotypical crap) She's from the South. Thankfully, she doesn't want to wave around a Confederate flag or any garbage like that. When she found out my step-father (who was biracial- half Japanese and half white American) had died of a heart attack about two years ago, she made the comment "oh...I thought all Asians had healthy hearts". Remember the drinking thing? Well, about two or three times she's gotten so disoriented and drunk (she hides the beers or has a neighbor buy them for her!) that she's gotten violent. One time, we had to have a neighbor intervene and calm her down because she was grabbing at my boyfriend, pushing me, and scratching. Another time, she tried to choke me and I ended up calling the police on her. The next day, she apologized and cried because she thought my family was going to try to persuade me to go back up to Oregon (and believe me, I really, really, really want to go back). I don't like being near her. Even when she's in a pleasant mood, she's still...weird. She smells awful, sort of like a gym sock swam in a pool of hand sanitizer. The thing is, she doesn't shower and she washes her hair in the kitchen sink (where we prepare food!). And when she drinks, she sweats it out of her pores. But even if she doesn't drink that day, her clothes reek because she wears the same clothes for about two-three days in a row. Plus, she tells the same stories almost every day and makes rude comments about other people- her friends, our neighbors, even my own partner (and me, when I'm out of the room). Oh and she doesn't even wear underwear. How do I know? She often sleeps with her door open, which faces out into the kitchen, with her legs propped up and spread eagle. So out of habit, I actually race past her bedroom with my head down and eyes averted if I'm going to the kitchen. Susan also has a thing against fat people. It just so happens that I'm a fat guy. She'll mock and gag at fat people on television. She'll constantly make comments about how much food I eat- and I rarely eat more than one-two meals a day anymore. This is despite my boyfriend demanding that she stop criticizing me for eating. In fact, my doctor realized my blood sugar was really low despite my weight and I often feel pretty faint and light headed. I usually wait until she naps (which is thankfully often- at least three times a day) or until she goes to bed (which is around nine or ten pm) before I really eat anything. It doesn't matter if it's a sandwich, a salad, or a rice cake. Yet this is a woman who will finish off a coconut cream pie in one sitting. Sure, she's skinny, but she eats nothing but junk. Pies, candy. Once in a while, she'll eat an entire carton of cottage cheese or some fruit but that's about it. And she always, always sits in the same place in the kitchen. You can't go out and get so much as a glass of water without having to talk or deal with her. And honestly, I have a hard time dealing with her even when she's in a good mood. In fact, her highly uncomfortable bar stool at the kitchen counter even blocks all the plates, cups, and etc so you pretty much have to go through her in order to even get a cup for your glass of water. And when I'm working? She'll actually make it a point to barge into my office, without even knocking, so she can talk at me or sing. Yes, sing. Just out of the blue. And it's some dumb song she makes up, like this one I call 'Foxy Mama" where she just sings "oooh, foxy mama, ooooh, foxy mama" and she'll swing her hips. Even creepier is when she barges in either the office or the bedroom and she'll stand in the doorway, just staring at us without saying anything. She actually creeps me out half the time. And she will do this even when I have headphones in and I'm listening to music (which I usually do while I'm working). My boyfriend has played nurse for this woman for about seven years. He's pretty depressed and honestly doesn't look forward to each day around here. When it's just us, we rarely fight and we're both much more at ease. But she drives both of us crazy- to the point where it feels like she's trying to get us to fight. How do we put up with this woman until we save up enough to move?
Phew. That sounds like a lot to deal with, so first of all I just want to say I'm so sorry you have to be dealing with this. It must be so difficult to feel like you drowning under all of that stress and anxiety. Second of all, it sounds like you work from home. (Or study from home). Is there a way you can work elsewhere? Go to the library or local community college etc.? I used to have a very stressful home situation, and that's what I used to do. I'd just pack up my stuff and spend the entire day at the library. It was a little difficult, but not as difficult as it would have been to stay home. What does your boyfriend do during the day? Susan sounds like she has a lot of stuff she is dealing with, and honestly, some of the stuff you say leads me to believe she needs professional help. Have you or your partner attempted to talk to her about this? Other than that, my advice is to continue to remind yourself and your boyfriend that this is a temporary situation, and it will end. It is very difficult to remember this, especially when things feel so hopeless, but that's how I've gotten through some of the roughest times in my life. Spend as little time at home as you can - start jogging or going to the library or volunteering somewhere. The less you have to be around her or deal with her, the better. And who knows, she might be more tolerable if you don't see her all day. Once again, I'm sorry this situation has you kind of smothered :/ It sounds really rough, and I hope things start looking up soon.
Thanks Hachi. As far as working somewhere else, I'm pretty tempted. I don't drive but there's a few restaurants and cafes within walking distance and on the bus line. Honestly, I like being out of the house anyway. My boyfriend is out of work at the moment but he's job hunting. So he's home a lot of the time. For the most part, we try to either find a reason to go out or hang out in the back of the house until she goes to bed. Funny thing you mention the professional help thing. She sees about 2 psychs, a pain management doc and her general physician. Yet she'll ignore obvious medical problems- for instance, she has a bladder infection but she won't get help for it. I almost feel like she'd be better in a nursing home. She's less cognitive than my 80+ year old great grandmother was! Yeah, I'm just glad it is temporary. The sooner we move the better. If we end up moving to Oregon, I'll finally be around my family again. Plus, my partner would have better job ops (lot of demand up there for certified auto mechanics), it's a better city and even better? We won't be around Susan anymore!
