I've always been fat. After years of consultations with various doctors, psychologists and nutritionists, the general consensus seems to be that this is a result of both bad genes on my father's side (where everyone's a Dursley) and my very own depression and anxiety, which cause me to overeat (it reassures me). As a result, I have never been happy with the way I look — and if the many insults directed at me on a regular basis are any indication, neither is everyone else. The worst thing is probably when people try to pass off their insults as genuine concern. Nevermind that I am a 23-year-old who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke and has been a vegetarian for several years, people always seem to think I am on the verge of death. Like my friend's friend Denise, a cokehead who seems to think that being on an everlasting beach body quest makes her some kind of Dr. House medical genius — but don't tell her to stop smoking two packs a day, she might dislocate her jaw and swallow your whole fucking head. I don't need anyone's concern. I am already aware that I'm fat, I already know what you think of it, I already know what it entails and I am already working on thinning down. Something else I don't need, for that matter, is anyone's acceptance. I know I'm not entitled to people welcoming me with open arms. I don't wanna be "celebrated," I merely want to be tolerated. As a high schooler, my stupid teenage mind assumed that entering the holy grail known as the gay community would grant me that. A place where I could exist, be myself and not have to endure snarky remarks or mockeries. After all, it didn't seem too far-fetched: gay people are a minority, minorities preach tolerance, ergo, gays are tolerant. And if I wasn't accepted, I'd at least be tolerated. Sadly, that sophism is only one of many mistkaes I've made, because to be honnest, I was so far from the truth, I might as well have been in Far Far Away. My tribulations within the French Twink Reich have been desolating to say the least. Not only am I mocked mercilessly when I go out in gay areas or on gay dating sites*, I actually feel less welcome and more depressed in the gay "community" than at my old high school — something I never thought I'd ever say (or write). I am not entitled, I know no one owes anyone else love or friendship, but I do think everyone deserves respect (unless their actions make it impossible). It's seems a little rich that the same people who work so hard towards tolerance for themselves, would withold it from others. I hope this wasn't too depressing a read. I don't mean to pity myself, I know it's even worse for obese people (I'm only overweight, as I said) but I just really needed to get it out, and I don't have anyone who might know what it's like to be fat and gay. *People, I shit you not, have actually spontaneously messaged me to tell me how undesirable, unfuckable, unworthy of love or simply how ugly I am.
From what I've read on EC, this seems to be a recurring theme. That is, that a lot of people have encountered gay groups that are somewhat "cliquey" or solely judging based on looks. I'm not out, so I can't provide too much advice on that part, but I do know what it is like to have been overweight. Like you too, one of my parent's side of the family is all overweight or obese. Considering I take after that side, I literally have to watch what I eat pretty closely, or I gain weight quite easily. Now I'm certainly not the poster-child for healthy eating, but what I've tried to do is at least separate any emotion from eating. In other words, if you ask yourself: are you eating because (A) you're hungry or (B) just because of feelings or pressure? If you answer (B) to yourself, then you need to try to take your mind off of it. Play a game, read an EC post, watch a movie, whatever, but try to avoiding eating when you are not hungry. I still don't have a great relationship with my weight and physical image, but I'm just trying to accept that some people are framed larger than others. It's a body type thing. It doesn't mean you're bad/ugly/unhealthy. There are definitely gay guys out there who like guys with a little more weight. (*hug*)
Seems like you had bad experiences in terms of the gay community, if anything it seems more angry then depressing. ever been to a bear community? i'm pretty sure you'd be a LOT more tolerated in there then your standard skinny cheerios club. i'm positive that it would definitely change you. try looking into your local bear communities and see if there's anything that you would most likely relate to. there's a lot of guys similar to your situation and may be struggling with the same thing. I myself was the same way. I didn't mind being fat sometimes, but i do worry about my health. I'm still struggling with me being overweight. sure you shouldn't expect too much, but you are entitled to your happiness, and do what makes you feel right. as long as you can be happy with yourself, the rest would follow. yea shit sounds cheesy but it's true. dating can wait for a bit, and if it can't, the guy that denies you would live to regret it when you shine the brightest. so don't be down, keep on fighting.
Agreed. The bear community - even if you're not attracted to bears - is a great place to find comfort and non-judgement for the most part.
People in general just suck and unfortunately, being gay, our chances are slimmed in finding people who will tolerate or love us. It's a journey trying to find those people to begin with, so don't let that get you down. I don't necessarily have a defined preference but I know what I like, and I think some weight on my men is sexy. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have one of those tall, tan, handsome, muscular guys grab a hold of me but that's more of a fantasy seeing as how I don't think I could ever land someone like that. I'm also overweight and dislike my self image, so I feel what you're going through. Even fooling around with a few guys, I never felt up to par because they were skinny and pretty.
I'm liking a fat guy at the moment, and I think he's bloody attractive :icon_redf I'm pretty skinny though :lol:
in a culture built on looks and beauty and age, it's hard to feel confident about yourself when you do not mirror the message that is being forced down our throats. let's face it, straight or gay, it's hard to be overweight. the media shows images of hot bodies, ripped abs, and everyone at the club or beach or gym seem to have bodies that are perfect and you ask yourself "do they even eat??". now let's take gay culture and club scenes and online apps. people will sometimes write, no fat, no fems, no old people on their dating profiles. even if you are just a tiny bit overweight, it's like you're a great whale to some people. i know people will say 'oh that's the club scene or that's not how all gay people are....." and that's true. all gay guys are not like that. but when that seems to be all you're experiencing, it could sure feel like that. now onto the positive.....i have been overweight guys with guys with bodies that look like models. my point is, it could be rare, but it does happen. the best thing you can do is be who you are and join organizations and clubs that allow you to help others and give back or do something. i think in those situations everyone is "contributing" and it's not a meet market where people base if they want to talk to you on how you look. as far as your weight, i would challenge you to try and make healthier eating choices (not so you can be a supermodel) but so you can be healthy if you are not making good food/diet choices. working out doesn't mean you trying to be like the guys that reject you, but it means that you are trying to be the best you, that you can be. no matter what you situation, there are many of us that do not fit the ultimate "gay guy look". it could be our height, our race, our weight, our face, our bodies, our whatever. but when you are truly being the best person you can be, i think other's see your inner and outer glow.
Large, non-caucasian, old, not "masculine" or just uncomely of face... The club/app/hookup/etc scene of the gay community, which happens to be the most prevalent and easily accessible, is arguably even more superficial and discriminatory than the straight counterpart. Yes, there are the outliers who will find the unconventional attractive whether it's a fetish or true transcendence from popular opinion. But those people are few and far inbetween. For every 1 there are 10+ who need his attention. So it COULD happen, but not everyone has the emotional fortitude to bear all the rejection, loneliness and battered self-esteem until it does. For me, it's a constant struggle to not get sucked into playing the game I know people like us will never win. I'll constantly catch myself re-installing some dating app and just start internally screaming bloody murder at myself to stop because I know it will only end with me uninstalling it, reaffirmed that I am not conventionally physically attractive and I will never be in this lifetime (culture isn't changing fast enough).
Well i can relate i think,i had belly fat for years ever since childhood,because i'm such a heavy gamer even as a child i would never get off the Pc chair and my game sessions would last from 5 to 6 hours........when i entered the gay community or actully the gay scene who would i go to but queeny guys like me !!!,all of them were slim cute pale skin every hair in place and gosh would you see the look on their face i don't blame them i was a mess for sure i had no friends for god knows how long and i kinda got married to my computer ever since i was 3 years old and got to know video games,i went to the gym for one month until i got some decent hips ,i wanted to keep going but guys are annoying there either too hunky and bulky and out of control freaks ,or slimy strong guys who think i can lift any weight simply because i'm a man ...so i quit too toxic for me to handle but the decent hips and average body i got made me feel like a teenager again no offence but its good to feel pretty & young we are all supposed to be pretty and young in our youth but the toxic environment has made it quite the opposite now a days as for you, you are beautiful in a way, cause god makes no mistakes,i'm not telling you to become me i'm simply a zhang he who is obsessed with the pale skin asian skinny beauty and its just me but if you do want to get some exercises at the gym like i did go ahead its not very hard i think ,be who you want to be and make your body the way you think is the most attractive ,just don't go so hard on yourself and go out of your way,also honey please i know we haven't met yet and i know i would never judge you based on your appearance but since people will do ,why not get a new hairstyle and maybe a new look some decent new clothes ? wish for you the best of luck and remember there is nothing that can get you far but your self love,that is love yourself no matter what,it will get things better with people,as when people see a guy who doesn't trust himself or believe in himself,they immediately use that against him P.S DONT EVER STOP EATING SOMETHING OR STARVE YOURSELF i did that before yes at first i did get slim but..........i got even more fatter after that so yeah pretty much don't go to some freak diet,you can stick to whatever food you are eating just don't over eat anything as some of us use food as something to put our anger into never do that as this way your body wont warn you when you get stuffed and you will keep on eating also while i don't want to be adverstising for anyone http://slim.beyonddiet.com/ those diets are actually very good they don't cost much and if you can watch the video you don't ever have to stop whatever your eating even if its ice cream !!! and no need for the countless hours at the gym ^__^
maybe i am wrong but i just feel like you have to present that best you can present. sure not everyone is going to be skinny or gorgeous or whatever the main stream is looking for but i do think we can make the most of what we have and improve ourselves as best we can. i go to the gym and i still do not have the "perfect body" but i am trying to be the best me i can be so i can try and improve myself. also, i know what type of guys i am attracted to and if i want to attract them, i have to be able to offer what i want. sure a guy could love the inside of me and accept the outside of me, but for more people they have to find the outside attractive before they can get to know the inside. we are attracted to different types. but if you are into fit guys, then it's only fair that you get fit as well so if you do meet someone, you can offer exactly what you want/seek. but you can't be upset if fit guys do not like non-fit guys if you are not trying to get fit. again, you do not have to work out seven days a week, but we can only control what we can control and if you can control diet and exercise, why not give it a shot so you can feel better about yourself and in the process you may attract more people. i do not think that is superficial but i think its just rational. for instance. i wouldn't say i am "ugly" but i know some guys are "out of my league", but that is all in my mind. don't discount yourself. there are always couples where you see one guy that is traditionally "hot" and the other guy that is like, "?". but they love each other and they're happy. you never know what others will be attracted to but most people are attracted to happy and confident people. so do whatever you need to do to get to that place.
