Ive been feeling really down lately. I had depression really bad last year and attempted suicide. I shouldn't be alive. Im just really depressed. I fucked up he only friendship that mattered to me months ago, and I'm not allowed to talk to the one person I cared about. Its been 7 months or so, but not a day goes by where I don't think of how stupid I am. I ruined someone. I loved her. She was everything to me. And now, nothing. I have to go on, probably never seeing her again, and not being able to tell her I'm sorry. She was everything to me. And I ruined it, and now ill never have the chance to apologize. And it kills me, it really does. I will never forgive myself. My parents know about my gender and sexuality. Hell, I even told them to go on here. It is just really hard. I know they are trying and things are really difficult, but with dysphoria and depression in the mix, Im just not having a really good time. I need to be feminine. I really just want to shave all of the non head hair, but they don't seem to be on board with that. It is just so hard. I feel like if I'm seen as a male by one more person, Im going to lose it. Ive been through a lot of shit, self harm, suicide, the whole deal. But now that I've come to terms with who I am, everyday I feel the need to be more and more feminine. I am a girl, but this gods forsaken body disagrees. I just wish they would understand how hard it is to go around. I know this isn't easy for them either but its just so hard. I m f a l l i n g d o w n
I am so sorry you're going through this. You give so much good advice to the people on this site, things can really be unfair. I'm sure dysphoria can be horrible to go through. Have you ever considered getting a therapist? It might help you out. Don't ever think you deserve to die. Every person has a reason to be alive, even if you don't know yours now. At the end of every storm cloud, there is a rainbow. I'm sorry you're hurting, and I hope things get better eventually (*hug*)
I feel for you Posthuman666, I have been going thru some rough stuff as well, I kind of felt like ending things but thankfully never got that far.. I too have started therapy , I only wish things could be better for you.. hugs
I understand you're depressed. Remember: you fairly recently came out to yourself as trans - the broken old identity weighs down. What you're feeling is normal for trans people and you share a journey with so many other people in a community that's here to support you. You are not alone. As EmoOfSuburbia - you do not deserve to die. You should be here. You belong here, and in time you'll be able to see that things feel easier. About your friend, I suggest talking about it in therapy and process it - I know for myself that such things can leave deep scars. I don't know your situation with her. It sounds pretty awful, though, and I'm sorry it's like that. If you would like to explain more you can, otherwise it's okay; you don't have to, of course. Remember that transition is an on-going process. There are some big steps like SRS but mostly it's baby steps. Like, exchaning your wardrobe piece by piece. You will get there. I understand it's hard and that you feel set back if you can't shave right now, but you will be able to. Maybe not tomorrow even though you'd want to, but a little later on. Your parents seem to have been surprisingly open thus far, right? Well, on the days you feel you have the energy, you can talk to them a bit about your feelings. They will likely try to be kind. If they deny you something, try to not think about the denial in itself, but think about how to approach the subject again. Asking again will help them se that you are serious and can help them reconsider. Have you tried actively targeting your depression? For example: - Try letting your feelings out in healthy amounts rather than keeping it in until you crash. If you're feeling bad, there's no shame in just lying down to cry. And it can actually feel better afterwards. - Have you ever tried a gratitude journal? Writing down the things you are grateful for, big and small, can help. - Expressing your feelings through just writing it down on paper or through music or whatever - Rituals, for lack of a better word. Prayer or similar can help you quiet your mind - Education about depression; realizing that depression is an unrealistically negative view of the world and having it confirmed by psychologists in the field, brings insight. - Relaxation exercises, e.g. meditation, listening to calm, soothing music, etc. - Scheduling activities. Having activities such as martial arts or something creative, or just writing down things such as "on Wednesday I want to read in this book", can help to feel you have things to do. I would like you to search for "I had a black dog" on youtube and click the top link. It's a good video and helps put things in perspective a little bit. Also, make sure you are safe. Make sure your therapist knows if you have thoughts of self-harm, and that if it comes to that, make sure you have the number of a hotline so that you can call. I think this one is right (though not sure). Lifeline Remember, we are all here for you. You don't deserve to feel as bad as you do and we're here to help you get through it. (*hug*)
