So, Ive been seeing this girl... and having a hard time being myself around her and "coming out my shell" etc.. ive been questioning my sexualilty and figured im probably bisexual up until about 20 minutes ago... There is this guy who I use to get on the same bus as, and i see him sometimes round town sometimes,... and he knocked at my house for my brother (around same age as me) with a few of his mates to get my brother out... When I saw him I just felt alive. MY mind was racing but i kept my cool and walked past him to my car and back... but when i got back in i just felt a rush of... just...happiness i guess. I dont know what really :S just keep thinking of him and it makes me happy for a change Ive went from feeling angst and worry about this girl who im still talkin to.... to just feeling... giddy i spose... I guess im gay then? i wanna just, see what hes all about... talk to him... and all that. But realisticly it couldnt happen. My god, This is so much better than with girls >< I guess my skepticism just kept me on the edge until i saw someone that just makes me want more out of them..... I still feel like im bisexual.. but i dont know if that's just because i have a internal dislike of "gays"... which i think given that i live in england, its quiet easy to say "i go for whatever", not many people here are that hung up on labels really. I guess ill have to just figure that out in time
I totally understand. I've always known I was bi but the last year or more, I've seriously questioned my sexuality. I can't get past this barrier to accept that I'm gay. I think it's because I spent 20+ years as a straight male and I feel like deciding on my orientation altogether is a finalization I'm not quite ready for ( telling others anyway.) I just don't even feel about girls the way I did before, or thought I did anyway. I don't even have an urge to kiss girls. I don't even flirt with them anymore.
Welcome, Damien! It's awesome that you're opening up to your feelings and exploring yourself. Based on what you've described, most likely, what you are feeling is less bisexuality per se, and more about processing the acceptance of being gay. When we process any form of loss -- in this case, loss of perception as straight -- there are stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. The "Well, I like guys but I still don't think I want to be in a relationship" thing is very, very common and is sort of a mix between the denial and bargaining stages. This isn't to say there aren't people who are genuinely bisexual -- most certainly there are -- but from your description, it sounds more like not wanting to let go of the straight identity, and the idea that perhaps you could "bargain" -- have both your gay attractions and an attachment to "normal" life. Of course, only you can know for sure what your attraction and orientation is. But hopefully as you spend more time, things will become clearer for you one way or another.
Let your experiences define your orientation and feel free to update all labels as you go. That's my advice. When I was about 15 I assumed I was straight but in truth I never had feelings one way or the other. I started to hang out with another kid my age who had a much better athletic record than mine. I envied him and wondered what it was about him that made him so much better than me. We were both big guys but he looked like he might have a slightly larger chest than mine so one day in the locker room as I was leaving and he was coming in I walked over to his locker and chatted with him while he got undressed so I could check him out. I had absolutely no sexual thoughts leading up to this moment but as he took off his shirt I had a very powerful and unexpected reaction to seeing his bare chest. My heart was pounding and I had trouble speaking. Later I saw boy making out in his girlfriend and I realized the look on his face matched what I had been feeling. But I still wasn't sure if that meant I was gay. Later that summer I was camping with friends and sharing a tent with a different guy this time who leaned up against me in the middle of the night. He was sound asleep and his touch was incidental but it felt really good and i laid there awake with him touching my arm for at least an hour. The next morning my skin was extra sensitive all over and the blood in my arm where he was touching me felt like it was burning in my veins. It felt like that for hours. I knew then I just had to be gay or at least bi but I hated the idea of it and it would be another 15 years before I came out and had real sex with an actual guy for the first time. It was then I started to develop an attraction for girls for the first time. I never did feel completely gay but I was surprised to discover such a strong attraction to girls. I think I must of surpassed it along with my gay suppression and as I came out so did the straight side of me. But after dating a few girls I found I was not bonding well with them and after a long romantic period with this one woman I realized I was never going to be able to make it work with a women. So now I'm back to thinking of myself as gay.
Thanks for replies, obviously as this is fairly secretive (well, it feels like everyone else already knows - but its just not spoken about ) its great to know someone else has read my thoughts.. I just had to come update this.. So, yeah, ive felt basicly just like ive had peace of mind all day. Just understanding myself fully and understanding that "Yes, I do like guys, its not just in my head".... But if im honest... i still feel like i want to get close with men and women. Right now, tbh, i just want to get with this guy i saw yesterday... but Im also talking to this girl and i really feel like i can be myself with her. Even tho i accept myself as someone attracted to the same sex - i still want to get close with her? wtf? THis is so confusing. WE havent spoken on messanger since yesterday - but she messaged me about half hour ago and i just naturally started speaking to her... and felt happy and exciting she was talking to me... (bare in mind, this is the first time ever... every other time before this i have felt worry and angst just by speaking to her) Then i sort of remember - oh yeah - i like guys. and guilt set in of how I cant carry on with this because it will just end in disaister and ill be the monster who knew it was a dead end... But in all honesty, RIGHT NOW IN THIS TIME. I feel like im bisexual - but it feels so horrible to anyone i get in a relationship with. If i am with a guy, i feel like he might think im lying to him. and if im with a girl, i feel like its depriving her of a 100% straight male partner. Right now, i feel very clear headed and maybe I am bisexual but feel guilty about not being able to be fully dedicated to one sex? OR maybe the need to not be gay is strong enough to allow me to carry lying to myself internally? who knows - sorry for the rant.. hope you all understand will be back on later and reply to comments above ^^ :S
One possibility is you like her as a friend at the same time you are having a sexual attraction toward the guy but because you are talking to the girl now and haven't yet made a move toward the guy, some of the sexual tension is causing those feelings to be conflated with your budding friendship with the girl. One of many possibilities.
At this point of questioning yourself, nobody can advise you to go into any relationship. You have to work out your own problems first before looking for a girlfriend/boyfriend. Just relax a bit, go with the flow, and try not to rationalize your thoughts and actions or you might accidentally confuse yourself with double negative reverse psychology. Once you've worked it all out, life will get easier.
Thanks for comments. OVer the weekend I havnt really spoken to this girl much over the weekend. Ive ignored most people and isolated myself (gotta work on that :L ). Last night I spoke to this girl again but we didn't talk for long :s I just feel like I don't know. everytime I start speakign to her and think about taking her somewhere or going to see her, I feel like im a bad person. I feel great about talking to her again and looking forward to getting to see her... but then I feel like I HAVE to tell her I have same-sex attractions before we start seeing each other more often. I don't feel like anyone else in my life needs to know (but i wont deny it if asked in private - in public I might naturally brush it off just by habit) but with her I feel like its kinda her business if I have been having these thoughts. Just feel like i mention something. I couldnt imagine she would look at me the same way though - id be friendzoned immediately. But Id feel like I could be myself a bit more and not feel like Im leading her on for my own "experiment" because we'd talk about it. Sorry, had to type that out. /brain.dump.complete
