First off, anyone with the patience to read this essay-length post, thank you! I mean it. I need some kind of advice. I should be happy, since I'm going bowling with my friends today, and my birthday is next week. But I'm just irritated and unmotivated. I have to get exercise hours in for this virtual gym class I'm doing to free up first period, which is great since it allows more flexibility. But it was originally so I could have time to go to figure skating practice in the morning without being late, and while skating is amazing and something not many people get to do, I think I'm mostly done with sports. I'm very athletic and enjoy many types of sports, but I'm gonna be honest here. I have a very hard time being 'fully dedicated' to one thing; I love skating and competing for the enjoyment, but hate when practice and such is required. I have to go to two practice sessions on my friggin birthday to get the hours in, and while I like being out on the ice, that's one day I just wanted to myself... Then there's the fact that I'm having issues staying closeted about my gender identity. I think I'm in the 'bargaining' stage, because while I know deep down that I don't see myself as female, I can't tell my parents without getting some kind of backlash, so I still feel like I'm not living true to myself. I really don't need that kind of horribly stressful awkwardness to happen again (I tried telling my mom in the summer before 8th grade started, and she freaked out). I felt like a sort of outcast in my own house; she tried acting like I never said anything, and I was too crushed to even bring it up again. What really sucks is that I can't even do basic things without being self-conscious. I always adjust my (loose-fitting) tees during the day to make sure I look flat, and since I just sleep in a tee shirt at night, it takes me forever to get to sleep comfortably because of my...chest. There's not much there but I'm still painfully aware of my body not quite being how I want it to be. I feel a burning resentment and longing whenever I see guys' clothes, shirtless guys at the pool, etc. and feel like that will never truly be me. Even if I do transition, there will still be all these years of childhood and teenhood spent trying to figure this crap out, and there's no getting it back. I can't even imagine being an adult who is closeted or living in an everything-phobic house; I'm a week short of 15 with somewhat accepting parents and I already feel like it's been too long sorting out this bs. To add onto this, our three dogs are getting older. On one hand I can't wait to move out, start my career, and live authentically, but on the other hand I don't know if my 'siblings' are gonna live during my college+ years, and it's horrible to think about life without them. So for their sake, I'm trying my hardest not to 'wish time away' (and cry while typing those last few sentences). They're older middle age but still, sad as it is, no one is immortal, no matter how healthy and happy. It sickens me to think that I'm stuck between wanting to rush time to start living how I want to, and wanting to slow it all down for the sake of my dogs...that shouldn't even be something I have to think about! I should just be able to enjoy my life and not worry about things like that. I really hate the fact that I have to 'make do' with larger sized womens' surf clothes on my birthday vacation. I should just be able to wear whatever the hell I want to, and enjoy that one special day without any of this crap. I'm also probably gonna get 'birthday girl' cards, and while people just mean to wish me a happy birthday, it's actually just going to rub in the sad fact that I can't fully enjoy my own birthday. I'm also going to have to answer a bunch of relatives' phone calls and respond to things like 'how's the birthday girl doing?". I should not have to put on a fake smile and act like this is all just fine on my birthday. This may sound like I'm being a complete spoiled ass here, but it's frustrating. And a birthday is both a blessing and a curse, because on one hand it's fun, but on the other it marks my being born (and assigned female). I'm into working out, and I hate thinking that because of the body I was born into, my muscles may never have quite the capacity I wish for, no matter how hard I work. Note: Will edit later. I have to leave to go bowling in a minute!
Aw, sounds like you're having a rough time (*hug*) Especially since it's your birthday, and everyone will be midge seeing you all day. Honestly, I think you're so stressed that maybe the only thing you can do is come out. If your parents are the accepting type, I can imagine it would bring you a lot of peace. Don't feel bad about letting out your frustration, it happens to all of us from time to time. Happy early birthday, and I hope all works out
Edit: Wow this is another long post. I need to work on my summarizing skills, apparently. Dankies. If everything else is annoying still, I at least get to pig out on cake and junk food all day lol. I actually am going to come out to one of my close friends soon the next time I see her, but parents sadly aren't an option. That would make for quite an awkward vacation! Though I wish I could. I'm kinda planning on transitioning once I'm living on my own (like college or an apartment), then telling them. That way it will already be done and they either have to accept the blatant truth they see or look silly denying it. Sounds douchey but it's not like they could do anything about it. Luckily my mom asked for my birthday list, and some of the things I want are clothes, and she didn't say "oh that's a guy shirt." So looks like I'll at least be getting some more guy clothes and such at least! I'm an evil genius, they're probably giving up trying to convince me to wear girl clothes and/or don't want to have to re-order all my stuff before we leave for vacation. :badgrin:
