1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to treat someone who hasn't come out to you personally

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by sierpinski, Jul 28, 2015.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. sierpinski

    sierpinski
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2015
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Over the hill and far away
    Hi everyone. So this might be a sort of weird question, in sense of "why worry about that?" but I'm actually quite concerned.

    A few months ago I realized a good friend (ca. 45 years old) of mine was gay. Though I don't have problems with that, as I am myself, I got a pretty good shock because I had always thought this man was my aunt's boyfriend and thus my uncle, but now I've realized they are just good friends.

    I haven't seen him in a long time, but we write regularly, and it took me embarrassingly lo notice, even though he often mentioned his boyfriend, calling him his "compagnon" (he's French) I never understood that meant boyfriend.

    Now to the actual question. I would like to write concerning this, and come out to him myself, but I am not sure how to bring it up. What would you expect from someone you haven't come out to? Would you prefer he asked first, like, "You're gay, aren't you?", or just mention it like it's no deal, or would you prefer to come out to someone yourself, so I shouldn't mention it at all?

    Or doesn't it matter at all? (I know I'm probably exaggerating the earnestness, but I'm really quite clueless)

    Thanks in advance.
     
    #1 sierpinski, Jul 28, 2015
  2. justin88

    justin88
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2015
    Messages:
    2,118
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Southern Ontario, Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I have a similar story but it was with my older cousin who's in his mid 40's. I wasn't out to anyone at the time and I found out that he was gay through some family members so I decided to communicate with him by instant message.

    I told him I needed someone to talk to and I eventually came out to him, after a few replies he admitted he was gay as well. I felt relieved and happy at the same time because it gave me someone to talk to. :slight_smile:

    As for advice I can't say for sure on how you can bring it up. It's an unusual situation to be in but I just wanted to let you know that I had something similar to share.
     
    #2 justin88, Jul 28, 2015
  3. fern96

    fern96
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2015
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I would honestly prefer to come out to someone myself. Whether it's a formal announcement or a casual remark about my partner. Don't worry too much, but treat it like you would any other nice secret. Don't speculate with others, just keep it between you and him.
     
    #3 fern96, Jul 29, 2015
  4. sierpinski

    sierpinski
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2015
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Over the hill and far away
    Thankyou for the responses. I think I will try to come out to him, and see how he reacts, as justin88 said.

    I'm convinced fern96 is right in most cases, but mine is a bit different, because I think he thinks I already know.
     
    #4 sierpinski, Jul 29, 2015
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)