I really don't like opening up to a lot of personal issues here but lately my depression has been on and off so much that my suicidal tendencies have increased. I just can't handle with what is going on with my life that I'm left alone internalising all by myself. My depression leads me to getting easily irritated by people who wants to talk to me like my sister was just asking how my training job went and I'm pissed because I don't feel like talking lmao. I also seem to have trouble concentrating reading a book so much that I have to keep reading one paragraph over and over (So it could be that I'm just plainly dumb). But that's like the petty part of what I'm going through because right now I've been meaning to write a suicide note to my family and even planned how to kill myself and I didn't want it to bepainful but kind of cool way to die but it shouldn't be messy because it will take time for crime scene to clean the mess I made lmao. I feel such a let down and a burden to my parents because they wasted so much shit on me and I just blame it on me for having an Anxiety Disorder. Even though I have "moved on" from my 3 year relationship with my ex-bf, I always dwell on how I completely destroyed our commitment to each other and I needed to distract myself from it that I went to hook up sites just so I can prove myself that I can ease my mind off of it and only end up having a guy making me uncomfortable by touching all over me 5 minutes after we just met and a 35 year old creep forcefully giving me hickies all over when I specifically told him not to. (Not discouraging anyone, I met few decent ones too) Not to mention how I can't open up to any of these shit because I've been meaning to come out without the depression part but I can't handle it anymore when your father is a pastor and the rest of the family are conservative as hell and everyone is so annoyingly close-minded. I basically have no people around me and I mostly treat them as acquaintances and nothing more and I thought that was cool but I guess it would be nice for someone who I can talk to in real life. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I was teary-eyed while walking home from the park lmao (Still not as worse as me crying like a bitch while I was running ,lol) So Tl;dr Nothing new here, just saying how my life is basically fucked up (again)
Don't do this to yourself... Some people in other countries , don't have to eat , water and a home to stay... Discussion is the key to solve everything, talk to your parents and your sister about your problem... I know that the UNCOMPLETED LOVES can hurt you.... and nobody is dumb... when a person isn't well he cant concentrate.... and please don't cry ..... I wished I could met you because I am not good in writing.... but , , don't do this... If you talk to your parents you will not let them down because they will understand that you trust them.
It's been almost a month since I've posted this one and I didn't feel like updating this thread but I think it's important that I have slowly gotten better. Weeks after I wrote this, my exboyfriend contacted me and we both finally patched things up. While it hasn't gotten rid of my depression completely, our communication has made it a lot easier for me. We've said our sorry's to each other and we both hope for the best. I'm writing this because I would like people who suffer depression know that there is help out there and while it might not be easy, we do not let ourselves give up from whatever circumstances we go through.
