I've been lurking around EC for around a year/year and a half and created an account a few months ago with the plan to post and ask for advice. I ended up deciding that my problem wasn't really a problem and just continued lurking. So I guess some background might be good: I think I always knew that I was different, but it took me until ~my Sophomore year of high school to actually consider the fact that I might be gay. Suffice it to say, I suppressed the thought and pretended to be straight for a few more years. It probably took until my Sophomore year of college to admit it to myself which was definitely the hardest part. But by then, I had already resolved that I didn't want to come out of the closet. I was happy knowing what I was and dating had never really appealed to me. And if I didn't tell anyone, people couldn't not be friends with me based off of my sexuality. I'm also a private person and believe that your private life should be kept private and not broadcast to everybody and their mother. So there's that too... I met my Freshman year college roommate a few months before I started school, lived with him all four years of college and have remained best friends with him since. He's the kind of person that you can chill out in the same room without saying anything and everything's just cool. On the flip side, we both enjoy sports, are competitive, like to go out and have a good time, and just be goofy. After a few years of college I started feeling guilty about not telling a few of my close friends about my sexuality. My mindset is that it doesn't matter and shouldn't matter and that it's my private life. There's no need to burden someone with that, especially if they have a problem with it. But I just got tired of the pronoun game and the lying and dodging questions about if I had a crush on someone or why I didn't do anything about that girl that totally had the hots for me or something. It took me another year, graduating, and everybody moving to different cities across the country for me to get over most of the anxiety. Logically, I knew that none of my close friends would have a problem with it but there was still that lingering doubt that somebody wouldn't approve. But that's also why I waited until after we all moved: so I wouldn't have to deal with any direct repercussions of my coming out because we are all thousands of miles apart. I did all of my coming out either over Skype or in person because I did not think that texts or phone calls provided the amount of gravity for the situation. I told him first and then my other friends in the inner circle. Of course, nobody had a problem with it, but the anxiety and the butterflies were still there. To be honest, it was actually pretty anti-climactic. Everyone just smiled and said okay. That was it. No questions. Just, okay, and onto the next topic. I had read everywhere that coming out was a liberating experience and that it was "the best thing I ever did!" But I just didn't (and still don't) feel that way. I misread the anxiety as, "you just need to tell more people. Rip the band-aid off!" and ended up telling the outer circle of friends, and my best friend from high school, and my sister, but I still felt weird and guarded. It took me seven months (this was last April) to properly identify what I was feeling. I care (often, too much) about what other people think. I always want to make people happy, take their stress and burdens, and not burden other people with my own issues. What I was feeling was a fear of people treating me differently - to an extreme. Honestly, girls don't really care if you're gay or not, but what I'm afraid of is telling a guy (specifically my best friend) that I'm gay and then being treated differently because of it. My friend told me when I came out, that I didn't have anything to worry about and that nothing changed and that we were still best friends, but to me, it feels like everything has changed. I feel like I cannot be myself around him or when I talk to him on the phone, because I don't want to come on strong or say anything that could be weird. I've seen him twice, in person, since I told him and I just do not feel comfortable in my own skin. I know that it is irrational and illogical and I shouldn't have to worry about anything, but I do. I've considered talking to him about it and telling him that he kind of scares me and I feel like I cannot be myself when I talk to him, but that just seems like a good way to hurt him and not really resolve any issues. I've tried dealing with it on my own and also just hoping that it will go away, but it's started seeping into other areas of my life where I have a hard time talking to any guys - even in a platonic, friendly manner - because I think that I fear that somebody will find out and then I won't have any friends in this new city. I'm sorry for the long sap story and potentially incoherent thoughts. I just kind of feel like I'm drowning and barely staying afloat and would really appreciate some honest third party advice on what I should do..
First of all, welcome to EC. Your problem is not a trivial one and I'm really pleased you decided to create this thread. Even though your friends reassured you that nothing has changed and that everything is fine, you remain doubtful and seem to be convincing yourself that the relationships have changed. It's like you are looking for something that really isn't there. You know it's irrational and makes no sense, but you can't let go of the idea, so you are going through this emotional loop with it all. I don't mean this to sound unkind, but the problem rests with you and not with them. Talking to your friends about it may help a little, but the fundamental issue (how you feel about your sexuality and self) will remain and you may need some help and support to address that, especially if it's seeping into other areas of your life. Have you given serious thought about speaking to a therapist? I really think it would help. While all of this remains unresolved you are going to have limited relationships with everyone you meet -- everyone will be kept at arms length, including the friends you care about. I'm sure you don't want that to happen.
Hi src and welcome to EC. Happy that you found the courage to write about what is troubling you and congrats on coming out to your friends. I agree with what Patrick says and to me it seems that you just need to trust those around you more and to open yourself to the world around you. I understand your fears and need to want to protect yourself. You seem to have a really good set of souls in your world. Yes, you will get hurt or life will knock you around, but that happens to everyone, gay or not, we just have to take the risk of life and living on the chin, Building walls around oneself also have the tendency to keep out the good, the passion, the love and the laughter. A good therapist will certainly help you find your way out. I send you much positivity as you find your place among those that love you just for who you are
That isn't unkind at all. It's something that I have already realized and it's a hurdle that I am trying to leap. I think that I am just having a hard time accepting. I have given it a little thought, but I'm still not entirely sure that I need one. I don't have any problem with therapists/professional help and I know that they can be really helpful, but I just don't think that my issue is really that big. I think that I just need better coping mechanisms and/or to learn to accept myself more. Thank you for your kind words, Faazi. And I'm just trying to take everything day by day. I know that I have built walls, but they're there for a reason. When I graduated high school, I pretty much left everything behind and basically started off fresh. I didn't really build a new person for myself, but I had a new start. A clean slate, if you will. It was hard enough doing it once, finding new friends and a group of people that I could trust. I think that my fears stem from the fact that I don't want my friends to reject me again and that's why I'm seeing things that just aren't there. I think that I am scared to lose people that I care about because of something that I cannot control...
