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yearning and security

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by 9satur9nights, Aug 3, 2015.

  1. 9satur9nights

    Regular Member

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    Hello everybody. I'm just going to write...so there.

    I am a 28 year old gay male. A musician. Extremely passionate...sometimes to my own detriment. I am bipolar and i am currently in a relationship.
    Much like the majority of the male homosexual folks my love life and my sexual life have been sought out and explored with cloak and dagger. Unlike the majority however, i have probably been much less fivolous...not that that's a bad thing, nor is it a particularily bad thing to be sexually frivolous, it can be a good thing, for sure.
    I have never really learned to understand and acknowledge what i want or what i need, so i think this puts me in a position of knowing less about what i have, and what this means to me in terms of internal fulfillment and such.
    i have a question...a question that have been burning like a cinder in my mind for the last couple of years. what is more important? to live a passionate, potentially dangerous life, or to live a mild and secure life?...
    you see, i am extremely sexual, i know this, despite the fact that i have not been living that life. i met a guy 3 years ago. i left everything i had, left my hometown and my family without saying a word and spent 3 months with him before he asked me to move in. i just said yes...i thought at the time, like "why not?" it's not like have anything or anyone that needs me to do anything or to be anywhere. he needed me, so i stayed.
    i love him. that's the truth. in theory he gives me profound comfort and security. i know that i can be myself. i can be weird, unemployed, poetic, disturbing and insane...he just loves me all the same. and it's not like we have a bad sex life, it works. that's all. but there is no passion...that strange symphony of emotions. that all-encompassing yearning...the horniness. i am at a crossroads. i don't know what is right. a substantial part of me wants to stay here, forever, and just let time slip me by, reading novels and watching netflix all day long, cooking good food...sometimes have perfectly decent sex.
    but there is this unknown yearning inside of me, the voices of variations of myself that long to breathe and live...they want passion. they want to meet new people and be appreciated in different ways and to appreciate others. they want to have deep, deep mind blowing sex...they want to party all night and experiment with how deep and how lost in this world and in my mind i can become. so if i go, i really have nowhere to turn, and i might never find a home that is as secure as this, or ever find anyone that will take me with all my madness and still find me attractive. i am a very attractive man...that's just the truth, it's always been this way. please don't misunderstand. this is how the world reacts to me. so i am constantly bombarded with alluring glances and i know there are a lot of poeple in this world who wants to be with me sexually...but i need more than that. i need passionate sex beyond compare, but i also need a secure home afterwards...i don't want to cheat. i have pondered this in silence for two years and it is out of the question. i really, truly want this to work. but i'm scared to death that i will never experience the thrill of life, the drug of mysterious skin against mine. i am young but i have never put myself out there, i'm dying inside...so, what's more important? a slow and steady fire that burns unnoticeably yet endlessly, or a grand orchestra of fireworks!!! ...i want to burn, but i also need to be loved. this is so strange. i am literally suffering, and this is besides my depression. i'm not sure if the man i am with now will ever make me feel the way i want to feel, or need to feel...wich makes me hate him. but he doesn't deserve that because he gives me everything else!!!! so..i ask agian. what do you guys think is the most important thing? to yearn for phantom pleasures for an eternity in silence but with a partner that loves you until the end of time, or to forsake the one constant in your life in order to delve into the deepest parts of the world in order for a chance to find atlantis, knowing that it might not even exist.....please help me. maby i'm actually allready happy. maby i'm a fucking nymphomaniac. maby i need to isolate myself because i'm constantly being distracted by the attention i get...and it makes me confused, when i allready know that i am where i want to be. again...passion...or a home...? passion...or a home...?

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2015 at 11:04 AM ----------

    i know i should talk to my therapist...not because she is a therapist, but because she is a wise woman...but i bet there are wise and kind people in here too. i don't expect anybody to relieve my pain with words alone, but something tells me it would help. i know that people find themselves in existential dilemmas such as this all the time, sometimes without even being conciously aware of it. but i am. and i just felt like spilling the beans, as it were....
     
  2. Seagypsy

    Regular Member

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    As a girl, I would say that if you crave love then you want to hold onto that. Nothing would be worse than exploring and then realising you can't stop exploring new people in order to be with one special person because you need constant variety, you could become really depressed because you gave that up. I know a lot of people like this...But it all depends on your circumstances, if u are married to a woman but u crave men, I don't know what to advise for the best, so sending hugs.