Hi, I'm new to this forum. I hope that someone could help me because I feel trapped and lost. Before we start, I would like to apologize for my poor English as it's my second language. I remember that I was attracted to males ever since I was a kid. It is actually not just that I was attracted to males, I actually felt I was a female in a male body. I think this is called "Gender identity disorder." I remember when I was a kid I knew that this wasn't normal and tried to hide it. I used to watch gay porn and was always attracted to older males, age 30 or older. My fantasies were about being dominated by those older males so I was always the bottom. I was always attracted to my male teachers back in middle school and high school and one of them actually noticed and told me this was a "scandal" and no one should ever know about this sick attraction. He kept it a secret and we forgot about it. But this was only the beginning of a much worse jorney. I don't actually remember the order of those events of my past life as I have socially isolated myself for years and lost track of many things. Anyway, I should note that I come from a Muslim and Arab country that embraces manliness and of course demonizes and despises homosexuals and even straight women. Femininity is seen as inferior and weak and homosexuality is viewed in an even worse manner as they are considered as people who are less than animals. If a homosexual was killed in a Muslim country the population would applaud without the slightest feeling of sympathy. Back to my story, I was always in this state of fear and confusion as I didn't know why I was the way I was. I always tried to hide it from everyone and I did my best and watched my moves. But unfortunately, I wasn't smart enough. People started to suspect and some of them told my father that I was acting a bit feminine. My father is actually not a bad person he's quite understanding except when it comes to this subject. He was always distant from me and we never really had a bond. He said that he didn't want to control me and wanted me to be the person that I want, not the person he wanted me to be. Thus he didn't intervene in my life at all except for giving me money. As a kid I viewed this as "he doesn't care about me." We never really had any sort of relationship, unlike my mother who loved me unconditionally and always looked after me. After months of reading I came to the conclusion that this might be the root cause of the problem. Back to the story, my father was told that I was acting feminine and he didn't like it. He didn't like it at all to the point where he actually tried to kill me and said some harsh words for a 11 or 12 years old boy to hear. He took me to the sea on a boat with him and at that time I had no idea what was about to happen. I didn't know what was being told behind my back and that people started to notice. He then asked why I acted feminine. I didn't know what to say and then things started to get worse as he started beating me. He never looked so angry and hateful and he said things like "do you want me to dress you up like a girl and walk you down the street so everyone would see you?" " what did I do to deserve someone like you to be my son" and "I wish you weren't my son and that -my cousin's name- was my son" and then he grabbed my head with his hands and tried to drown me in the sea while telling me that he wanted me to die and that he was so ashamed to have someone like me to be his son. I almost died as I had a difficult time trying to breath he was putting my head in and out of the water and the last time he did that I almost started to let the water into my lungs and give up but this guy who works for us tried to stop my father. This guy was there with us the whole time and he was scared to death from what he saw. I remember getting back home that day feeling scared and not knowing what to do. This was the trauma that I believe was the reason for me having a difficult time accepting my sexuality. Now I'm 22 years old. I have a disorder called depersonalization/derealization which is a dissociative disorder caused by severe anxiety. I don't believe in God or religion. I don't have a sense of self anymore and whenever I try to restore it and accept myself I feel this rejection that I can't change. Whenever I feel the slightest thing about being a female in a male's body I freak out and I can't believe that I'm like that. I'm really lost and confused and for the first time I'm having serious suicide thoughts. I don't have any friends and I feel like I want to stay socially isolated but I'm afraid it's going to damage me more. I honestly don't know whether I should accept myself, which is something I cannot do, or try ex-gay therapy or just simply commit suicide. I know sexual oriantation cannot be changed but I like to stay hopeful about this. Sometimes I wish I was never born into this hellhole. I really don't know what I'm going to do in life and I'm stuck in this collage and major that I don't even like. I think I've been stuck in my mind for a long time and I need some fresh ideas. I hope there's someone out there who can offer a helpful advice.
Hello, the outsider. I'm sorry about thwat you went through. What a horrifying experience. I have no words. If these are your three options, accepting yourself will be the most pleasant, and the most likely to succeed. Ex-gay therapy does not work, just like your father's violence did not work. These things cannot change who you are, they can only make you feel more ashamed of yourself when there is nothing to be ashamed of. And please, please, don't try to kill yourself. I repeat, you have nothing, absolutely nothing, to be ashamed of, the outsider. I am so very sorry for what happened to you, but it was not your fault. I assume you're still living and going to college in the same country you grew up in? I think at this point, your best option is to start looking for a way out. The place is poisonous for you. You're young. If you leave now or in a couple years, you'll have a chance at a real life somewhere else. You'll need money and some time to plan this out, but I really think you need to get out. And when you do, you can seek help from a professional who knows what they're talking about.
hi welcome to EC... i hope you can get a lot of benefit from support on this forum (*hug*) What happened when you were 12 is terrible and you need to 'heal' from that experience. By focusing on your career it can actually be your passport to a new life in another country - or just away from your family so you can be your true self. Derealisation is also awful but maybe you can recover from that or learn to control it. Ex-gay therapy is a dead loss - it will just make things worse. It is better if you work on accepting yourself and building up your self-esteem to get yourself in to a position of strength You seem to very bright and articulate and there is a whole world out there for you. So start planning, and saving money, and think of a better future because it will be yours.
*massive hugs* I'm so so sorry for what you've gone through and what you are going through now. Like the other two said, ex-gay therapy not only doesn't work, its traumatizes people and make them worse. There have also been many scandals of people being physically or sexually abused in these "therapies". It's not your fault how you are, and there's nothing wrong with you. There is however, something very wrong with many societies. It was wrong what your dad did to you, and I'm glad you survived. Now from what you've said, you've hinted that you may not just be gay, but male to female trans. I don't know how much research you've done or if you know the difference, but if not you might want to look that up and see what feels more "right" to you about who you are. I don't know what country you're from but I've heard that Iran, while very homophobic like most of the Middle East, is oddly accepting of trans people and does a lot of sex changes. Are you by any chance Iranian? If you feel you might really be trans, perhaps you could go there to get some counseling for it. Although the current political issues might cause problems. All in all, I think you need to get out. You need to get out of that country. Try to transfer to a college in the UK, US, Canada, Europe, or maybe even South Africa or Australia. Maybe we can even see if there are programs to help you get out. Just talk to us, make some friends, and you'll see there's nothing wrong with you. You can be yourself, even if it's just in a safe space online. Meanwhile work in the real world to move abroad where you will be safer and happier.
Hi everyone, thanks for replying! Yes, I'm not just gay. I used to feel like a female, but after the incident there was a part of me that rejected this identity. Whenever I think about the fact that my real identity is a female I freak out and start shaking uncontrollably. I then try to avoid it and over time this became a huge source of anxiety. I'm actually shaking like hell right now and I can't stop it I don't know how to accept this. To be honest I feel so ashamed of this and I don't want to accept it. I know for a fact that I didn't choose this. But it feels like a curse that will haunt me for the rest of my life. To be clear I don't hate being gay, I hate the fact that I'm a bottom. I believe that being top is acceptable as it is natural for males. Is it possible to accept my identity without being filled with feelings of self-contempt? I would like to hear your thoughts on this specific point. I really appreciate your comforting replies
Some people are dominant and some are submissive. There are some straight man who are very submissive with 'bottom' personalities. There's nothing wrong with that, even if your upbringing and culture says so. And really, you're the only one who can tell us if you can accept yourself. No one else can do that for you. They can help but ultimately you are the one who must make peace with yourself.
I'm really sorry for what you have gone through. It was really horrible What I know is that sexual orientation can't be changed and all you can do to make things better is to accept yourself. This is not immediate and you will need time. I've tried to make myself straight but it had only make things worse. I eventually accepted my sexuality and I started to feel so much better. It seems that your country is not an ideal place for LGBT and if you would like you could actually plan to leave your country and live somewhere else (if possible). It's not easy but it will definitely worth it. If you want to someone to talk to feel free to chat with me. I'm glad that you joined EC by the way! (*hug*)
Thank you guys for replaying You have opened my eyes to some new facts about being submissive. This kind of information. Is what I am looking for. Moving to another country is very difficult, but I might do it in the future. I still haven't considered this and I might do it if I feel I have no other choice. Moreover, the reason why I stayed hopeful about sexual orientation being changeable is because it happened before. I remember a few years back I was at home with my father and my cousins were there, we were talking about something that I can't recall. While we were having this conversation my father gave me some sort of strong approval or encouragement. I don't remember exactly what he did. After that I felt something, I felt my body being filled with a feeling of being super confident and competitive. I'm not sure exactly how to describe it. I felt that my legs were as strong as a rock (psychologically). I remember then I went straight to my room and opened my lap top. I opened this Facebook page which had a man's face picture on it. I immediately realized that something was missing. I didn't feel something that I normally would when seeing a picture like that. It was sexual attraction. It was actually the first time for me to realize that I felt sexually attracted to men in normal pictures, I used to think I only felt it when watching porn. Then when I began to realize what was happening I looked for pictures of naked women. And you guessed it, I was attracted to the. It felt different from my normal feelings tward men. When I looked at a picture of a naked women I felt like I wanted to squeeze her breasts and bottom. I felt like I despised her and she was there only to please me. my sexuality changed for about 20 to 30 minutes as far as I remember. Because of this experience I used to have hope, but then a few months ago I came across some studies that differentiate between temporary changes in sexuality and other changes that last for a whole life. This discovery devastated me. What do you guys thing of this experience? Also, I've decided to seek professional help and I'm having a brain scan in 2 days. My other question is: is it possible for a doctor to determine my sexuality by looking at my brain? I'm scared that they might find out. My next step is to check my glands and if there's nothing wrong with my brain or glands then I'll see a psychiatrist and see what happens.
I hate to tell you but sexuality can't be changed. It sounds like you were hyped up and feeling proud and feeling full of your father's encouragement and did everything you could think of that was masculine. That wasn't your sexuality changing, that sounds a lot more like sexual aggression, which isn't a good thing. The fact you said you despised the women and just wanted to squeeze or hurt them and use them for your own pleasure...that's not good at all!!! No one of any sexuality should look at other people like that. Even if your culture says that's ok and normal, it's not ok to objectify people and want to use them sexually. I also notice you didn't say you wanted to do anything sexual with women, but that they disgusted you and you wanted to hurt them. That's not the same as sexual attraction. You can't change your sexuality by force or will or hope or prayer. And no, sexuality cannot be seen in the brain by a simple brain scan. Also, I hate to say 'don't get peofessional help' but in your country they very likely won't help you. I don't think you should bother unless they are LGBT friendly, which they are probably not. And I also don't think you'll find anything but else wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. You're just gay or trans.
