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lost.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by usagi, Aug 4, 2015.

  1. usagi

    Regular Member

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    I'm going to be completely honest and open. Right now things are not going my way. It makes me feel trapped and I have been thinking of committing suicide more and more. I have tried twice before, years ago in my early teens and once about four or five years ago. I feel like I don't belong here and the only way for me to be free is to make an exit. Lol sorry for the terrible analogy. I am trying hard to fight off these feelings but every night they Manifest again. What is wrong with me? Bad things that happen to me feel ten times worse then they should. I guess I lived in a fantasy world and hoped things would happen like the movies. The real world is just too harsh. Being gay and a minority in America. I don't drink or smoke plus I'm a virgin. I usually get negative responses when asked about these things when I feel like it's just one way out of many to live My life and it's the one I chose. You can imagine, trying to date is one of the worst experiences ever. Especially When your expected to get physical with someone you hardly know and like no time at all. I feel like I'm wasting my time with school and traveling feels pointless. I wish I was like everyone else sometimes but I'm not. Before this felt like a good thing because I thought that when I got older I'll meet more people with whom I would relate. It just feels like I'm growing farther away from the rest of the world.
     
  2. Cedar

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    You should really seek help for what ails you, it isn't healthy or right to constantly be in a dark place like that. When I used to live in an apartment building, I was going to throw myself off(It was about eight stories high). I was so hysterical at the time that I didn't realize that the screen door was locked, if I knew that at the time I'd probably be dead by now(I probably would have just cut through the screen but I didn't want to leave behind any property damage). A few years later, I spent four hours crying in a bathtub writing a rather long suicide note(which I still have to remind me) ready to both cut and drown myself. I honestly don't know what stopped me from doing that, I just kept telling myself, "just try one more day" even though my days seemed to have gotten worse after that. Two years later, I'm a lot better. It isn't a good feeling to go through and I can sympathize with you on that. So please, get the help you need. Acting upon suicidal ideation will not solve your problems. We're here for you, should you need us.

    As for not smoking, not drinking and being a virgin. There's nothing to be ashamed of in those regards. Not smoking or drinking should be good things, they aren't good for you in the first place(maybe a little bit of alcohol is alright, just not too much). It's just the way things are. Just because you're gay does not mean you'll have less likely a chance of finding someone that gives you a meaningful relationship. I personally choose to avoid people that only expect sex out of me, if you're not going to even want to talk to me and get to know me, spend some meaningful time with me, you're not worth my time. There's nothing wrong with wanting more than a sexual relationship with someone, I'm sure a lot of people feel the same way about it as you do. Besides, it's none of their damned business and you don't have to explain yourself to those people that would mock you for your choices.

    Schooling and traveling are two great things, you get to see the world, experience new things, etc. Don't give up on the world, I'm sure it hasn't given up on you. Don't try to force yourself to be like other people, you're fine the way you are and there's nothing wrong with being yourself. Don't be ashamed of the choices you make just because they might not fit with other people's standard.
     
  3. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

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    It's not unusual to get very dark thoughts when you feel so overwhelmed and alone and it doesn't make you a bad person either. You are struggling to cope with life - as so many people do, but try not to lose hope.

    You said:
    Have you completely resigned yourself to the idea that things will never change, or is it, as you say, right now? What can you tell us about the things that are not going your way?

    It is hard to fight against suicidal feelings, but you have been brave enough to do it before.. not just once, but twice. Give yourself a lot of credit for that. What was it that helped you, in the past, to fight against those despairing thoughts? Could you do it again?

    Sometimes, when we are feeling overwhelmed by life, it's really difficult to put our cards in order and see a way forward. When everything is circling around in our mind there seems to be little hope or clarity and that's why it's a good idea to find an outlet for it all and share it with other people. In posting this thread you have made a positive start. It may have been difficult, be we all care about you.

    Graduating from school may open up a lot of opportunities for you. It could be the key to the lock, if you want an analogy. I don't know exactly where you are in America, but could your grades help you to achieve long term career goals that would help you to relocate to a more tolerant part of the country -- a place where you can be more free? The relationship considerations may follow on from that, so if you are putting cards in order that may be the way to try to think about it. One step at a time, rather than everything together.

    You sound really defeated by everything right now and I can tell from the words you are using that it feels hopeless to you, but many of us reading your post would have a different take on it. Will you hear us out?

    I'm really not denying the reality of your feelings and I'm not deliberately challenging you either, but I do hope you will continue to talk things through with us and consider an alternative perspective. You are welcome to respond to me in this thread or privately, if you wish.

    Remember - we care. (*hug*)