Background: I am a 20 year old trans-girl. I've thought about the idea of suicide probably longer than any other topic or idea that has entered my mind. I'm not out everywhere, really, I just have work left. Suicide to me has always seemed like a beautiful thing. In the last two years I've actually thought about going ahead and committing suicide. I don't really like the word "committing", it sounds like you are making a pact. When the concept of suicide is more about breaking one. More recently no matter who I am with, I have felt utterly alone. People feel like they are simply ghosts surrounding me. It's been an oddly rough day today, so I wrote this. Hope you enjoy. ~ Semicolon ~ Sometimes an uneventful life is greater than an eventful one. Sometimes the choice to do nothing is more painful than the choice to act. Sometimes years can seem like a single, endless, shadowy night. Sometimes you see the sun rising but all you feel is your own cold emptiness within. Sometimes your heart wants to cry but your eyes are too empty to break because... There are times in everyone's life when all cheerfulness has been eradicated. There are times when the corner of a dark, cold, empty room feels like your only ally. There are times when the pain of continuous grief has all but killed you. Sometimes the sorrow grows and destroys the hollow shell that was so carefully crafted for so long. Sometimes the agony of life stops your heart, if even for a moment. Sometimes that moment never ends. People will view you as weak, insecure, or just crazy for believing that you have anything to be sad about. People won't understand that you don't need to have a reason to be sad. People will try to coach you through a life that they could never understand. Because their eyes lack the emptiness that yours are filled with. Because their mind lacks the companionship of solitude that yours seems to cherish. Sometimes people are able to push through the night. Sometimes people are able to finally see the sunrise of happiness. The beautiful glow as the light touches the Earth after a cold, lingering night. The emptiness within seems to be sucked out and joy is all that remains. Life will be difficult. Life will make you wish you had never encountered its company. Sometimes the sun rises and.. Sometimes the sun seems to have been forever lost in the vastness of space. Today is a day where the sun never rose. Perhaps tomorrow I will feel the touch of light; again.
Holy shit. I am in a depressive spot right now, and this is just like... I know this. These are the feelings I have on a regular basis. Im going to a catholic school, and can't tell anyone about being trans or queer, and having to hide. I have only one friend going there, and my anxiety is in overdrive right now. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to hurt again. And the last time I made a friend, I always went to her when I was suicidal and eventually she couldn't take it anymore and now I'm not allowed to talk to the only person I cared about. Self harm urges won't go away, they always come back stronger. I feel like such a bad person all the time, and then having these horrible male parts, and everyone always calling him/he and its so fucking hard just to get through the day. Everything I do feels so wrong. This body I have, its not mine I know this pain, for it is my own. If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me.
