Internalised homophobia and self-hatred

Okay, nobody is born with the attitude that homosexuality is an abomination, in the same way as nobody is born with racial prejudice. It always comes from someone or somewhere and that's as true for you as it is anyone else. You didn't simply arrive at the idea that homosexuality is an abomination, so this probably has more to do with what your religion apparently says about homosexuality. I emphasise the word apparently, because it is not universally accepted by people of all religions that homosexuality is in fact an abomination. You have it within you to reject that idea, if you want to. I'm not saying it will happen without help and support, but you admitted that you need help, so this might be your starting point. You definitely can move away from that narrow view about homosexuality.

I don't know where you live, but societal attitudes towards homosexual relationships vary widely from country to country and region to region. If you have been exposed to very negative comments and attitudes towards the LGBT community for years and years it will undoubtedly corrode how you feel about yourself. From the remarks you made, it's very clear that you are dealing with a lot of self hate and shame.

What do you see as "homo-sex" and what, specifically, do you find gross about it?

You mentioned your family and it would seem that you are considering their opinion as much as anything else, but what is their opinion?

As for HIV and AIDS statistics; what are they, as far as you are aware?

If you can accept that sexism and racism is wrong, you need to at least consider the possibility that you are wrong in your views about homosexuality. You also need to consider the possibility that many of the people you share your life with are wrong too. Just because the majority of people [in your life] say something, it doesn't mean they are right. If you really want to overcome this self hatred and get help, you need to put in some groundwork and open your mind to different ideas, even if other people are not so willing. It will be a sign of greater maturity on your part.

Moving from this position will not be easy - it will be a journey, but it can be done. You can start by reading some of the items in our resources area about self acceptance, coming out and sex and sexual health: Empty Closets - Resources

Finally, be careful with how you describe your feelings. The power of what you say and how you describe things should not be underestimated. If you use catastrophic language you will drag yourself down even more.

 

Hating your self for your race or your gender is something that can happen, you would not necessarily feel confident that you are right in those situations either btw.

Sex being gross is a problem that even straight people have, you don't have to equate liking sex to being ok with your sexuality. A lot of people don't participate in sex for so many reasons. A lot of men can be quiet inappropriate in their conduct, and gay guys sometimes mistake being ok with being gay, with being irresponsible with their new found freedom, or even define their lives by having sex, to the extent they are willing to risk their health for it (your HIV concern).

Not hanging around certain gay guys does not have to mean you are homophobic, sometimes you want someone who is not like you to make you get out of your head. And a lot of gay guys are just plain not nice.

What I am trying to say, don't put too much pressure on your self regarding what you should be 'doing' with being gay, just focus on being ok that your attractions are towards men, period, but don't beat yourself over other stuff, because life is hard no matter what, so don't fixate on that if only you were not gay things would be magical. Weigh your choices risks, and go for it, but don't do stuff just to be 'gay'...if that makes sense. Love your self, but understand that your sexuality is not all you are, and it can misjudge and put you in bad situations, so wield it wisely.

 

You have the same kind of attitude as my Dad towards homosexuality, but the way I see it is that's it's very unhealthy to feel so disgusted by something which cannot be helped. It's far better to accept your own feelings even if you're not wanting to act on them. Sexuality can cause pain and depression if we get into complicated situations and hurt others by playing around, but if we are sensible about our sexuality and how we act, this can be avoided... And the first step to being ready for a responsible adult relationship is to accept our own feelings.