Comfortable on EC, Uncomfortable in the real world

It's definitely hard to get the ball rolling when you feel this way.

Honestly I think the best way to get over it is exposure but you have to force yourself to do that so it makes it pretty challenging. Try to always remember that people generally aren't that perceptive when they are out as they are usually focused on something else like talking to someone or checking stuff on their phone, or even just eating. It isn't the easiest, especially if you aren't comfortable with your orientation personally but it is certainly possible.

You should try going out with that friend again, even somewhere a little louder so people won't hear you as well or choose a place to sit that's a little more isolated so you'll feel a little more comfortable talking.

I imagine that this is fairly common, even for people that don't get support online. Sort of like a defense mechanism to prevent being outed. The difference of comfort likely comes from the anonymity of chatting online along with being able to fully flesh out your thoughts before posting.

 

I think I'm basically right where you are Code. I'm totally fine with talking about being gay online. But I'm basically in the closet in real life. And I think KayJay hit the nail on the head there. The anonymity of it all makes it easier. It's like 'There's a really good chance I'm not gonna meet this guy I'm talking to in real life so I don't really mind that he knows this stuff.' In real life it's more like 'uh oh they're standing in front of me and I don't know how they're gonna react. Maybe it's easier if I don't tell em.' But that's just me. I'm pretty introverted too so it's kinda tough for me to tell people. It felt awesome when I did tell someone but for me it's few and far between and a slow process. Thankfully I haven't had any negative reactions yet. I never know how to end these posts so I guess I'll just say thanks for reading my wall of text

 

I don't know, it's probably normal. You feel secure behind the computer and you can express yourself more freely and not thinking about how those around you may perceive you. You'll feel more comfortable sooner and you will not care that someone may hear you talk about gay stuff with your buddies.

I sometimes lower my voice a little bit when talking about gay stuff when I'm out with someone if I don't want other people around us to hear what we're talking about (cause sometimes it's inapporpriate), but I usually don't care.

 

I can really relate to this, for me it's also the stupid fear of ridicule and rejection which I've had since I was smaller. I did notice huge progress in the last month though, but still long way to go. A month ago when I first started accepting that I might be gay I remember going out with (straight) friends and had the feeling that everybody around me noticed that I'm gay and they were judging me. All this was only a reflection of my own judgement I think.

Now I'm at the point where I could accept that I'm gay (or bisexual? Having labeling issues ) and when I go out with a female friend of mine (who I got a crush on though pretty sure she's straight) I don't feel uncomfortable when more or less flirting with her in public. Though this depends again on how much I'm accepting towards myself that day. Some days I feel so confident, other days want to stick my head into the ground

I'm terrified though for some reason or another to go to LGBT places and events and not even sure if I'm afraid of the reaction of straight people or maybe I'm more aftaid of the reaction of LGBT people. Of not fitting in or something.

Though interestingly I'm extremely comfortable online (which I haven't always been) and I am able to write about myself going into small details on this forum usually. I think it's because I don't anticipate the rejection the same way I do in the "real" world.

There is this book (or more books) from Brene Brown, she writes about shame and vulnerability, about embracing your vulnerability to be able to get over all the internal shame we gathered. Shame is a poison which is growing exponentially in us if we don't talk about it, keep it a secret. And of course shame makes you believe that this is your only choice, to hide it. But in the moment we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we are doing the biggest favour to ourselves - though in the very moment it might seem like willingly throwing yourself into the pit.
She has a famous Ted talk (or more) as well.
I'm planning to continue reading her book - started around a year ago but made me feel uncomfortable (Oh, the irony :icon_bigg) so I stopped.
I think it's really helpful and her work is based on a lot of research and studies, but still very approachable.

 

I wrote this above while still half asleep in the morning and I forgot to add to the Brene Brown part that she was at one point talking about that feeling when before putting yourself out there you imagine that dreadful picture of you being in the middle of an arena and everybody is laughing and pointing fingers at you.
But when you finally embrace your vulnerability you realize it's not like that at all.

Well, I have this arena-image a lot of times in my head and it helps to remember that everybody or almost everybody has gone through this at one point.

 

Try this.

Put the shoe on your foot. If someone expressed this fear or shame to you, how would you react?

I assume you would be kind, compassionate and accepting.

So if a person does not act like that towards you, why do you care about them at all? People who are judgemental, narrow minded and mean spirited should not be given any consideration. They should be quickly dismissed from your life. Stop giving them power. They deserve nothing.

Surround yourself with supportive and kind people.

You haven't done anything wrong, or anything you need to be ashamed about. You can love who you need to love to be happy and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.