I've lived in Wisconsin my whole life and most of my family is in the same small town. But my sister Danny had just gotten a better job and she's moving from New Orleans to Omaha And she offered to have me move with her because she travels and need someone to watch her house and dog. My family household in wi is falling apart we can't go a day without fighting about something. I spend my days locked in my room. It sounds bad but I can't talk to my other sister Sam because we are just so incomparable despite the fact we use to be close. I'm scared and excited to move but mostly scared out of my mind. I'm inersexual and I just started my estrogen and testosterone blockers. My friends are all here and my family wants me to make more friends and join a transgender or lgbt support group but I don't know I'm so shy and what if they hate me? What if I can't make friends and I'm alone in a new state. None of my doctors have told me of any they work with down there and like so I'm doctor hunting while packing and saying goodbye to everything I've ever known. I'm to far in to say I don't want to move now and I don't know if I made the right choice. I feel like this is the biggest moment in my life I'm finally going to be a girl who looks like a girl but has male parts and my friends and family will be thousands of miles away. I'm already so emotional I'm worried about how the hormones and the new environment will make me act. 2 weeks ago someone told me I was bad at a game online and I got so depressed I cried and didn't touch my computer for a whole week and when my bf said its just a person being a dick I broke down again. I feel like I'm trapped in Rapids that throw me from side to side without a care but last time I was on anti depressants pills my family didn't tell me and I feel Horrible I won't let them put poison In me again I'm not crazy I just I don't know how to explain it i just wake up sometimes and feel so repulsed by myself I just want to go away. But I can't tell anyone because they'd throw me in the hospital again I still have nightmares about that place. The therapist asked me when I decided to be gay and go against gods will. Is that what I am to people a sin or something? I won't go to a hospital to be insulted and have pills thrown at me. I can't go to church because i never had faith in God or humanity every time I go to a church they just don't want me like I'm a plague like because I was born in the wrong body it's my fault I didn't do anything I hate them so much for what they did to me I grow up hearing about how different I am how God hates me and condensed me to hell I heard that for the first ten years of my life every Damn Sunday. People laughed at me classmates made fun of me one even pushed me down a flight of stairs and called me a faggot when I was a freshman. I have no where to turn when I move I have no one here I'm alone where every I end up. My family is a mess we are broken far behind repair. My friends are in the dark I have 1 friend in real life who knows I'm transgender and taking hormones everyone else is the dark about it I don't know how to tell them I can't lose my only friends I only have 4 friends in all. I detest the church and God and the hospitals don't care they just want to give me pills that make me feel weird I didn't know what was happening for months I woke up in a fog that lasted the whole day because they drugged me. Where do I go now that I'm alone alone in a state I've never been. I feel like I jumped into the water and forget how to swim. I feel so confused sometimes it feels like it would be easier if my boyfriend didn't call the cops that time I took those pills
When I was younger, I moved around a lot. Like, I would be in one school for a year and be in a new one the next. I even had to stay in school for another year just to catch up with the requirements that the school I finally graduated from had. Considering the environment you’re in now, this might be a good opportunity to take up(though it seems you’ve already taken it up, which may be a step in the right direction). You never know, you might just have a great time and be able to make some new friends. I’m sure the school you might end up going to may have a GSA in it or something along those lines. Starting a new life in a new area can be scary but I know you can make it through. Just give it a chance. Don’t let harsh words get to you so easily, I know they hurt but they only hurt you as much as you allow them to. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person and if people don’t give you a chance, they’re the ones missing out. Not you. As for your doctors, they should be able to set up your prescriptions in a way that they will last until you find other doctors that will work with you so that you don’t run out of your meds in a month or something. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure your sister could check up on doctors in the area you plan on moving to to find a doctor that will work with you, a bit of team effort, as it were. If you’re still having issues with depression, you can always ask your sister to try to find a therapist you can work with, I know that being institutionalized is no fun and it really isn’t something that I’d want to go through again either but you should really consider working with someone about feeling depressed, no one should feel that way. I take anti-depressants myself, along with some other things and I take them to help with imbalances in my brain so that I could function properly, it isn’t poison. A good doctor should be able and willing to work with their patient to find the right meds for them that don’t make you feel funny. That “therapist” was wrong to tell you what they did, there is nothing wrong with being gay, they have no right helping people if they’re going to be that way towards the people that they were supposed to help. Some people are just outright assholes and you shouldn’t let them get you down like that, don’t let their hateful words win. Don’t feel ashamed in not going to church or not having faith in God. You don’t need those things to live a happy life. Again, don’t let other people’s hateful and nasty words hurt you, those words are rubbish and belong in a bin. This is your chance to be someone new, your family and the people you may know now only know you for who you are now. I always viewed moving to somewhere new as a way to re-invent yourself or at least to add onto what you already are in a (hopefully) positive way. I’m not saying that you should start doing crazy stuff or something completely out of field for you but test your comfort zone. Maybe go try and talk to a group of people you’ve never met before and see what happens. If it doesn’t go well, just shrug it off and move on. I don’t really think you should start regretting the choice to take up your sister’s offer to move in with her, this is a great opportunity for you. Don’t worry so much on the details, take a breather and take it one problem at a time, don’t let it all bombard you at the same time. I’m sure your sister can help you out so that the move will be easier on your end, it might seem like you’re asking a lot out of her but that’s what family is for right? Helping people out? If you know that your friends are going to reject you for being who you are, why are you still being friends with them? If they make you feel like crap, you shouldn’t be hanging out with them in the first place. Seriously, you should really consider finding a therapist in your new area that will work with you on your problems. Maybe try finding a psychologist, since they aren’t the ones that prescribe medication. You may not want to right now and that’s okay, all-in-all, it’s your choice to make and that choice should be respected. Being suicidal is not fun though, so I’m urging you to try seeking help in your new area if you don’t want to deal with all that mess that’s in your hometown. Moving is one thing, having all these other issues on your mind isn’t helping you in the slightest. I hope your move goes well. I know how much of a pain in the butt it is to pack all your things and say goodbye to people but in this day and age of technology, you can still keep up with people from your hometown. Or you can make people your penpals and just write letters to one another, that’s okay too. You can always visit them too, so it really isn’t like you’ll be losing them forever.
I'm sorry you have so much to deal with. Moving is hard, leaving those friends you do have is hard. But it sounds like most of the people where you have been living in Wisconsin have been making life harder for you. Could this move be new beginning for you? It sounds like you need to find a new therapist anyways if the one you see asked when you "decided to be gay and go against gods will" which is absolutely inappropriate. When I need to find a new doctor in a new city after moving I look up nearby clinics or try to find one where they have something good to say about treating lgbt spectrum people. That way your new doctor is more likely to be supportive and understanding. Then just make an appointment and see how it goes. I am doing a lot better where I am now because I feel like I can trust my doctors, that they listen to me and explain what a medication is before they proscribe it and give me a chance to ask questions and make the final decision. It takes time but you could fine the right doctors and have a good relationship with them too. And if one isn't working for you you can change doctors too. It's hard for me to do that, but sometimes itcanmake a huge difference in the care you receive. It is defiantly hard to meet new people in a new place. My only advice is to chose an activity - be it a sport, craft, or other activity you like or have always wanted to learn and take a class. For me this is bookbinding and I've found a lot of people in those classes are friendly and talk to me. With time I become friends with a couple of them. I am quite shy as well and it isn't easy, but it works in my experience. In this new place people won't have known you your entire life so you can start with a clean slate and be who you want to be. You can use a name you prefer if you have one and those around you won't know you went by something else. Depending on how far you are in transitioning, you don't have to tell people you are Trans if you don't want to. I know it's hard and overwhelming to think about, but take one step at a time and keep going. I wish you the best of luck in your adventure. And if you have more questions I and others here will do our best to offer suggestions.
