I am in the most frustrating situation imaginable I really really love and care for a very special girl, she is my soulmate, we have had some great moments together this week but now, as always she is sinking into a depression fuelled by her own internalised homophobia and fears about her sexuality. When we were alone together today, she seemed quite down and I felt unsure of how close she wanted me to get to her. I get the impression that when she feels insecure, she needs someone to make a move on her, and then she feels ok again, because the onus is on the other woman and not on her, so she feels its ok for her to have gay feelings - but when she is feeling this shy and awkward, it makes me feel shy and awkward too. How can I get her to see this is a sign of my respect and love for her, it's because I DO love her that I feel like this, not because I don't! This is how she ends up sleeping with so many people who she's not even really into, because she's not shy with them and they're not shy with her. Sadly this means she is being taken advantage of by so many people, when she deserves so much better How can I take the lead and at least kiss her or hug when we are alone, if I feel shy? Bearing in mind our alone time is very fleeting and unexpected so I am never feeling prepared??
Oddly enough sometimes we need someone other than the one we care about to talk about our feelings too. I would suggest you help her realize she needs to discuss her feelings and tell her that it doesn't have to be you. A professional mental health counselor can be a good neutral sounding board that can suggest ways to help her deal with her depression. In your case mental prepping can be a good strategy to be ready to deal with a multitude of situations. Just remember if a missed opportunity occurs minimize your guilt be affirming to try better next time. Practice mentally how to respond to different scenarios. However, I don't know you or her personally and I can't comment on if her shyness and depression can be waylaid with you being more direct. However think twice before you actually are in anyway intimate with her (whether it be kiss or hug or whatever) because you said she has had people being more direct with her and taken advantage of her. She may not apprieate such directness. Maybe she needs a little space with some clossness. A balance of sorts. I hope that helps.
I agree she needs professional help, but she seems to prefer sex with a random someone over actually talking about her issues. And she seems to like the sexual directness of other people, and doesn't even realise they're taking advantage of her. I am sure most of these random people don't really care about her or her state of mind, as they have mostly nothing in common with her! She is such a mess and I truly care for her but she will not let me help her
I can see why she behaves like this really. After she has a really good day connecting with a special girl, or usually me, the next day she grows very insecure, like the more good vibes she has and the more gay attraction she feels, the more she pushes away from It the next day. She goes distant, cold and sometimes says hurtful things. It's involuntary for her, internalised homophobia. So sex with someone she doesn't fancy makes her feel safe as she doesn't get the negative yang to match the positive yin. The less she fancies the girl, the less scary it is. Like it affirms that she is not really gay. But how to break the cycle??
