How Can I Stop Being So Resentful Towards My Mother?

Hi, Zen. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with your relationship with your mom. I might not be able to give you much advice, since I'm pretty much in the same situation myself.

When some shit happened in my childhood my mom dragged me to therapy. I begged her no. She still did it, and I lost a lot of respect and mostly trust for her.
Also now that I've come out as trans, although she's been accepting, she keeps misgendering me etc., making me not want to be with her.
I'm discussing it in therapy. I don't know whether that could help you or whether you feel you need it.

Something that helps me sometimes is that, even though I might have some bitter feelings toward her now... she's still my mom. And I remember the good times, which helps me be a bit closer to her now.

Hope that helps at all.
Take care!

(*hug*)

 

It's not your fault, Zen... (*hug*)

My mother also tends to use trump cards or more often making herself look like the victim when I am trying to discuss something about how I want her to treat me or so.

It can be hard to stay positive. As for me, I'm mostly holding out for that time will bring fortune... it's not like I want to have a distant relationship with my mom, more like... it's just hard to be close, because of many things...

~lots of love

 

Let me have a go at this. You might not agree with me but I think you have to hear this. To get a better insight on your current situation.

Let's begin with your Mother and how she "outed" you to your Dad...

As you mentioned you came out to your mom and that she had kept it a secret from your dad for about a year. I assume you were in agreement that she keep it a secret? Marriage is a completely different world when it comes to relationships. With marriage honesty fosters a strong marriage as Husband and Wife (in your family's case) are essentially ONE. Spouses have somewhat of an obligation to share matters concerning the family and each of its members. When spouses start to keep secrets from each other it is the start of the undoing of the marriage. Think of it this way secrets kept from spouses are like arsenic, poison. Too much and it becomes lethal.

If you think about it your mom kept the secret for as long as she could. It obviously shows that she did make a conscious effort to keep your sexuality a secret. Maybe this secret put unnecessary strain on her well-being, caused her stress, sleepless nights, etc. Maybe that one year was her breaking point she needed to finally share it with your dad to relieve the strain and finally have someone to share the weight of the matter regarding their son.

Was it fair for you to get hurt by her action? Yes. But to say you have "massively" lost respect for her is really unnecessary if not uncalled for. You say you forgave her but the truth of the matter is based on reading your post you have really held on to the resentment and anger. Why did she not accept your "forgiveness" letter? Because in her world she did nothing wrong, simple as that. She doesn't view the matter through your eyes.

I'd also like to discuss the matter of her attitude in general and how it relates to her Health (heart attack, high blood)...

Do you know that in Medical School we were taught how to cope up with patients with attitude problems (angry, obnoxious, catty, over-sensitive, etc.)? Yes a high number of patients or ill persons in general experience a shift or change in their mood, emotions and attitudes because of the stress of having an illness. Your mother is not alone at this, and she is not a unique case of using her illness as you say a "trump card" or an excuse for her attitude. It only goes to show she is aware that her illness is causing her stress, and the stress in turn causes her bad attitude.

As for calling it a "trump card" or an excuse. You cannot say that what she says is not valid. You cannot simply assume that she uses her illness as an excuse. Why? because you haven't had the experience of having a heart attack or having high blood pressure. Even if you give massive loads of empathy (which in your case is somewhat absent) you cannot say that you know what she feels or doesn't feel because you haven't had the same experience, condition or situation as hers.

If you want my advice on how to be less resentful. It's as simple as being true to yourself, you haven't forgiven her. Let go of the anger, let go of the resentment, and forgiveness will follow.

 

I am sorry, but there are several issues to this.

A parent's loyalty lies first with a child. There is absolutely no excuse for revealing information about your child that could put their safety and well-being in danger. Even in the case that she genuinely felt bothered by not telling the husband, then she should have come to her child and told them that they need to sit down with their father and come out to him. She should have allowed them to do it on their terms and emotionally prepare themselves. Not reveal something that their child entrusted them with on a whim.

Not being LGBTQ is not an excuse for outing people. You may not be entirely aware of the damage that you can cause by outing someone from a heterosexual perspective; however, feeling as though it is still not a serious issues after your child opened themselves up to you and made you aware of the fact that your actions nearly pushed them to suicide shows either an extreme lack of empathy for their well-being or more likely an extremely level of stubbornness to admit when one has caused other harm.

His behavior is not resentful in nature as he already stated that the issue is not that she outed him, rather the fact that she continues to belittle his feelings and has never showed remorse for any of the damage that she has done. That is not resentful. That is acknowledging that you would rather not open up yourself to someone who is still displaying the same behavior that cause you harm in the first place.

Blood pressure and heart troubles can absolutely factor into mood swings and aggressive behavior, but it does not hinder one's judgment. If this were a situations where she was snapping at him then coming back later and apologizing, then blaming her health would be a valid excuse. However, that is not the behavior that she is displaying. She is displaying a lack of accountability in addressing the ways that her actions effort others. Patients who suffer from mood swings come to feel apologetic and display reasonable emotions after they have calm themselves down and thought the situation over.

She is either convinced that she has done nothing wrong or knows that she has but is too stubborn to apologize and admit a mistake to her child. Health can effect mental health, but it is not an excuse for selective bad behavior or judgment.

 

First I'd like to mention this is the first time someone has rebuffed me in a thread. I actually really appreciate it. I value whenever someone wants me to reassess my concepts and thoughts on a matter.

I am sorry, but there are several issues to this.

A parent's loyalty lies first with a child. There is absolutely no excuse for revealing information about your child that could put their safety and well-being in danger. Even in the case that she genuinely felt bothered by not telling the husband, then she should have come to her child and told them that they need to sit down with their father and come out to him. She should have allowed them to do it on their terms and emotionally prepare themselves. Not reveal something that their child entrusted them with on a whim.

I have several issues with this statement...

First of all the Mother in this case is not solely a mother. She is a spouse, a spouse before she even became a mother. The problem lies wherein the child or the OP expects loyalty which he views as an emotional quality of relationships that can and must be shared UNEQUALLY, to be biased towards him. However as you said "A parent's loyalty lies first with a child." I believe this simply is no the case.

If you read on Psychiatric Books on the Psychology of Distressed Families. You can be loyal to both child and spouse however the most successful marriages have partners who transfer their primary loyalties to their new partner. Mom-Child (OP) still be core relationships, but if there is any important conflict, decision, schedule, or issue to decide, the default must move to the spouse and couple. (except in the case of abuse, violence, rape etc.)

Another point that was not taken in to consideration here is that they come from a "strict Nigerian upbringing". Nigerian families are also guided by the strict system of seniority. The issue of seniority cuts across the nation and it is so clear that it is mostly guided by male egoistic ideology. Married woman are forced to continue with the family norm of seniority. Therefor with the father/husband being essentially the most "senior" in the family, the mother in this case might be obligated to render her loyalty to her husband above everyone else. We simply cannot enforce unto them our Westernized notions of "children first" because it's a whole different culture. Shall we say a cultural divide.

In my previous post I had mentioned that yes the OP had the right to get hurt. After all yes it was a betreyal of trust. I just said that losing "massive" respect for your mother is another thing. I did not absolve the mother for her actions. I simply gave basis or tried to explain why she may have did it.

And you're quite on point on how she might have approached it better.

Not being LGBTQ is not an excuse for outing people. You may not be entirely aware of the damage that you can cause by outing someone from a heterosexual perspective; however, feeling as though it is still not a serious issues after your child opened themselves up to you and made you aware of the fact that your actions nearly pushed them to suicide shows either an extreme lack of empathy for their well-being or more likely an extremely level of stubbornness to admit when one has caused other harm.

His behavior is not resentful in nature as he already stated that the issue is not that she outed him, rather the fact that she continues to belittle his feelings and has never showed remorse for any of the damage that she has done. That is not resentful. That is acknowledging that you would rather not open up yourself to someone who is still displaying the same behavior that cause you harm in the first place.

As I have mentioned in my previous post. Let us give credit to the mom. She did in the longest time she could (which was a year) held onto the secret of her child. We are simply looking into the ends and not the means. Yes eventually what she did was wrong and yes I found that valid in my previous post.

I cannot debate or at the very least give my insight to what had happened between the father and the OP because he was pretty vague on the matter. He just said he had almost caused him suicide. Without the facts of the matter I cannot give my opinion.

The OP's behavior is not resentful? It's in the title of the thread itself--- How Can I Stop Being So Resentful Towards My Mother?

Other examples--- I have lost masses of respect for her because of what has happened. I don't like spending time with her, I don't like telling her about my problems, I don't want to bond with her, I don't even like speaking to her really. One part of me tells me I'm being petty and I just need to get over it, but I can't do that because I have little respect left for her, and because of how apathetic and cold she was to everyone involved in this incident. I don't know what to do, I want to stop being so angry but this is in my way.

Blood pressure and heart troubles can absolutely factor into mood swings and aggressive behavior, but it does not hinder one's judgment. If this were a situations where she was snapping at him then coming back later and apologizing, then blaming her health would be a valid excuse. However, that is not the behavior that she is displaying. She is displaying a lack of accountability in addressing the ways that her actions effort others. Patients who suffer from mood swings come to feel apologetic and display reasonable emotions after they have calm themselves down and thought the situation over.

She is either convinced that she has done nothing wrong or knows that she has but is too stubborn to apologize and admit a mistake to her child. Health can effect mental health, but it is not an excuse for selective bad behavior or judgment.

For someone who has been in the hospital setting handling patients in different capacities for more than 11yrs (I was a BSN for my undergraduate) this statement "Patients who suffer from mood swings come to feel apologetic and display reasonable emotions after they have calm themselves down and thought the situation over." is untrue.

I've had geriatric patients spit on me. I've had colleagues who were punched. Colleagues who were slapped. And No they never said sorry. And they were not mentally ill patients either.

And again what I will say to you is what I said to the OP. You cannot say that what she says is not valid. You cannot simply assume that she uses her illness as an excuse. Why? because you haven't had the experience of having a heart attack or having high blood pressure. Even if you give massive loads of empathy you cannot say that you know what she feels or doesn't feel because you haven't had the same experience, condition or situation as hers.

 

You have all the reason to feel misunderstood and mistreated by your father and your mother, Zen. I am so sorry that happened to you.

hugs

 

It sounds like a terrible situation and I'm genuinely sorry you had to go through it. But on this one I have to agree with Blue787Bunny. I think you should cut your mother some slack. I think we have a tendency to forget that the whole coming out drama doesn't just happen to us but happens to those around us, especially those who care about us. To be honest I don't think it's fair to expect someone to keep something, especially something big that affects them, from their spouse. I just don't--that's not how relationships, at least the good ones, work.

I remember I came out to my mother and I told her not to tell my father. She agreed but then a couple days later she came to me and said that she had to tell my father if I couldn't. I protested, and I'll never forget what she said. She said that she was happy that I felt like I could confide in her, that I could come to her when I was scared or unsure what to do. But then she said that what she did when she was scared or unsure what do was to talk to her husband and I had to let her do that, because while this thing wasn't happening to her in the same way it was happening to me, it was happening in her life too and I had to let her deal with it the way she dealt with challenging things in her life. I agreed and we told him.

Could your mother have handled it better? Sure. She probably should have come to you and asked your permission. But be honest with yourself--is there any way you would have given it? Is there any way she would have thought you would give it? Yeah, she could have handled it better. If there aren't three times in a day where I could have handled something better I didn't do a lot that day. She could have handled it a lot worse. To be honest it boggles my mind that she made it a whole year.

Look, obviously you feel whatever you feel, but if it bothers you that there is this new distance between you and your mother all you can do is suck it up, try to see it from her perspective and try to bridge the gap. Take it from someone who has lost both their parents within the last three years. If you have a parent that you think you might like to have a closer relationship with, don't waste any time.